Leaked Labour Camp Schedule

As part of the Vast Right Wing and Non Labour Left Wing Conspiracy (VRWNLLWC) I bring to you this official schedule for the Labour Summer Camp.

Documents that have been leaked to me however suggest that this schedule is just a front for what is really happening at the Labour Training Camp.

PROGRAMME

THEME: How the F**k Did We Lose So Many Votes To The Hippies?

FRIDAY 20 JANUARY 2012

3.30PM Arrival and time for you to confess and repent swearing on the grave of Michael Joseph Savage with new Dunedin North Labour MP Rev. David Clark if you did indeed split your vote and tick the Hippies.

5.30PM Summer School Opening Address

Jordan Carter - Introduction To The Enemy. Hippies and David P. Farrar

Policy Council Secretary and Representative to New Zealand Council. Labour candidate in 2008 and 2011. Jordan was instrumental in organizing Summer School as an annual event on the Labour calendar since 2003.

In this in-depth speech Jordan will explore the weaknesses and strengths of the two most evil forces against Labour in 2011. The Green Party and David P. Farrar. Jordan knows David P. Farrar better than any Labour Party member and has been chastised internally for hugging the Penguin. However today Jordan shares his decade of knowledge on the most evil force known to New Zealand politics.

5.45PM Housekeeping

Here Charles Chauvel will show you all how to make your bed properly. So you can tell the staff to do it for you later.

6.00PM Dinner

Our scrumptious three course meal will be prepared by in-house Chefs from the Auckland City Mission. Jacinda Ardern, fresh from a refresher course from her two day stint in New York almost a decade ago, will serve your meal. Entertainment from James Sleep and Michael Wood who will share with you the secrets of how to extract funding from your friendly corporate sponsors - the CTU/Maritime Union. Darien Fenton will be putting in a guest appearance showing you how to work a picket line while waiting for a handout.

7.00PM Welfare Reform

We have canned the guest speaker and instead will just watch a re-run of Inside New Zealand documentary commissioned especially for the Labour campaign by our mates.

8.30PM Debrief with David Shearer

David arrives refreshed from his mornings meeting with Garry Parsloe head of our corporate sponsor the Maritime Union and will be available to explain just how he became Leader when the membership really wanted David Cunliffe. It promises to be a stunningly open session where you can learn of David's time in Somalia fighting the evils of poverty by feeding the poor the skins of fresh fruit.

SATURDAY 21 JANUARY 2012

4.30AM Compulsory Bike Ride

Part-time Lower Hutt MP and Professional Cyclist Trevor Mallard will take you all for a compulsory bike ride through the roughest terrain he can find. Those of you who didn't bring bikes and instead took the one hour trip by car, can walk. This carbon friendly trail will show you the sort of discipline our Hippie friends had to win at the 2011 election.

5AM Coping With Loss

David Cunliffe will speak on his time dealing with disappointment. We haven't told him (or Greg Presland) yet but you will all be away biking with Trevor at the same time except those of you in wheelchairs or who are heavily physically impaired.

8.00AM Breakfast

If you still can stand after the compulsory bike ride our esteemed Deputy Leader Grant Robertson will serve you a Blanketman breakfast in honor of his favorite constituent. Just to get you all going for the day on a high.

9.00AM Dead At The Centre: The Third Way and Party Reform

Here Hayden Munro will bore and confuse the shit out of you all so no one will be left believing we can possibly prosper hogging National's centre ground. We are a left-wing party and proud!! Blair's bullshit has been exposed and he uses tax havens. Class traitor!

10.00AM Labour's Organisational Review

Our esteemed President Moira Coatsworth will explain how the Hippies infiltrated our core constituency, stole our donors, votes and volunteers. Input from Clare Curran. With SMOG advice from Darien Fenton. Our guest will be the anonymous authors of The Standard who always have a lot to say on this subject.

10.30AM Morning Tea

Enjoy your smoke while you still can. Discussion on Asset sales where CEO of Port of Tauranga explains how you can sell an asset and end up with way more than when you started. Quick session as we don't want mutiny!

10.45AM Beyond Migration - Multiculturalism in New Zealand

Dr Kathy Smits

Senior Lecturer in the Department of Political Science at the University of Auckland. Kathy’s research include political theory, identity politics, nationalism, and multiculturalism.

Kathy will explain to us why Labour shed votes to Mana and the Maori Party.

Wai Ho

Activist focussing on the place of minority cultures in New Zealand. Wai is interested in the dynamics of internalised racism, the benefits and harms of playing off “ethnic” versus “indigenous”, and the pitfalls of the model minority myth.

Wai will explain why Asians love making and spending money and cannot understand Labour policy or the opposition to the Crafar farm sale.

Neelam Choudary

Needs no introduction. How to catch sleazy Tories in a honey trap. Neelam did more damage to National in the last term than any Labour MP could manage.

12 NOON Lunch

Sandwiches. Suitably bland as we don't want to be seen enjoying ourselves.

Election Vote debrief - discussion on conspiracy of how we ended up on November 26th with the exact same percentage as people in the world who believe that lightsabers in Star Wars are real.

1.30PM The Future of Government

Dr Chris Eichbaum

Deputy Head of the Victoria University School of Government and member of the board of the Reserve Bank of New Zealand.

Dr Eichbaum will explain why less government in our lives is good for citizens but bad for Labour.

2.30PM Occupy: Symptom of what?

Dr Campbell Jones

Senior Lecturer in the Department of Sociology at the Univerisity of Auckland and is the spokesperson for Occupy New Zealand.

Dr Jones will explain why only 50 dirty hippies decided to camp at Aotea Square and the Greens and Mana picked up their vote anyway so we shouldn't bother about them. Not even Blanketman wanted to join Occupy.

3.45PM Afternoon Tea

More cigarettes. Spud will be in attendance and deliver a quick session during the break explaining how to use emoticons to say absolutely nothing and irritate Clare Curran all at once. Special use of "lol" explained.

4.15PM Crisis/Opportunity - Labour, climate and the end of environmentalism

Steve Abel

Environmental activist and a singer-songwriter based in Auckland with leading involvement in numerous environmental campaigns.

Steve comes along as an example of what we have to do to pick up the Hippie vote. Paul Watson to join as Special Guest explaining Environmental terrorism and how to scare the voters back to us in removing once and for all the Hippie myth that Green is good.

5.15PM Rebuilding Christchurch

Megan Woods, MP for Wigram.

Megan will speak about Christchurch and the relevance of hope in the rebuilding of our entire electorate organization down there after the decimation on 26th November where even Aaron Gilmore whopped our arse in the Party vote.

6.00PM Dinner - Sausages on BBQ sponsored by The Mad Butcher

Indepth after dinner conversation on "Traitors in the media" featuring John Pagani and Chris Trotter with comparisons to "Thee Who Can't be Named" from the pre 1990 era and Mad Dog Prebble. Guest historian Judith Tizard and Michael Bassett.

Prayers to Dear Former Leader Rt Hon Helen Clark and Skype to NYC. Followed by a bit of social media training to explain the phenomenon of Whaleoil and how to combat him. Alcohol will be provided so please bring a plastic cup.

SUNDAY 22 JANUARY 2012

4.30AM Compulsory Bike Ride - as Saturday

5AM There Is No "I" In Team

David Cunliffe will explain to Greg Presland and Lynn Prentice while you are all on Trevor's compulsory bike ride, that "there is a "me" if you look hard enough". And politics is all about "me". Please note we have not told this trio that you will all be on Trevor's bike ride during this time slot so please - Chatham House rules apply.

8.30AM Breakfast - Sponsored again leftovers from the Mad Butcher

9.30AM Drug laws kill. Why can’t we have better ones?

Nandor Tanczos

We canned the official speaker and Nandor will come and show you all how to roll some good ones. A not to be missed session. By then you will be needing it!

10.30AM Morning Tea

Save your tea bags from yesterday please - think of the planet. And the Labour Party campaign funds.

11.00AM Open leadership selections

Grant Robertson

Deputy Leader of the Labour Party. Grant will speak in favour of reforming the leadership selection process to formally recognise the role of members. Grant will also explain how one day he was firmly behind David Parker and nek minnit, running for David Shearer. Grant will also explain how you can be a part of a failed campaign committee and still end up Deputy Leader with future Leadership ambitions.

Trevor Mallard

Labour MP for Hutt South. Trevor will facilitate a discussion about a new concept - an open leadership selection process, outlining various options and opening the floor to discussion and input from the membership. Trevor will then share some of the secrets in how to roll one leader out and get your own candidate in to keep another out. A not to be missed opportunity to learn the true craft of the leadership coup from the Master.

12 NOON Lunch

Skype to Dear Former Leader in NYC.

1.30PM Closing comments and debrief

Conrad Reyners

Member of the Labour Party Policy Council. Conrad will lead a discussion on how the weekend’s sessions relate, and how they will not affect Labour one little bit in the approaching years as we will continue to use policies of envy and spite.

Ella Hardy

President of Young Labour. Ella will officially close Summer School 2012. That is if Trevor hasn't performed a coup over the weekend and installed his own preferred candidate in the role in which case they will be closing the camp.

Pack up - leave it as you found it. Remove all listening devices and hidden cameras from factional walls and send to Leaders Office for future blackmail attempts.

3.00PM - Depart back to spread the word about Labour Camp