Men of the Earthquake Day 4 and 5

The Herald has answered the call and created a photo slideshow of Rescue Heroes from all over the world. Nice.

This weekend's rescue effort money-man hero is this man. Who has singlehandedly shamed one of New Zealand's largest corporates Fongterra by donating a cool $1 million of his own money towards Christchurch's recovery.



Glenn's generosity is legendary. Not only has he funded an entire business school, political parties but now after all the controversy and hatred directed towards him by our politicians, he has stuck his hand into his pocket and contributed when it would have been easier to just ignore New Zealand for a while.

John Key's first act should be to look at that Honorary Counsel to Monaco position that Glenn so desperately wanted. Just give it to him JK.

But this weekend's Man of the Earthquake pin-up poster boy is the Incredibro Hulk Samoan powered Ahsei Sopoaga, who acted as a human digger throwing slabs of concrete around with his bare hands only to go right back in after an aftershock.



"I saw some of them struggling to get a couple of the big blocks off," Ahsei says. "Not many people came and helped so I just had to get in there. I just instinctively got in there and pulled those out. I was concerned about the guy because his sister was yelling out for him." Suzanne says an aftershock hit, sending most of the rescuers scrambling for cover, but her husband ran back in.

Again, an incredible show of masculinity and brute force that has seen the Incredibro Hulk earn his own Facebook page and a stream of female and male admirers. Awesome. Made doubly awesome that he was in town to attend a parenting course.

Men of the Earthquake Day 3

Again from John Key's Facebook. He has the best shots. Thanks Frank.

Female readers will enjoy this shot. Loving the chap on the left but hello how about the hottie on the right?

And congratulations to Emma Howard and Chris Greenslade for going ahead with their wedding after Emma had a miracle moment of survival. Weddings to me are the beginning to the end of your life however this one surely must be a keeper and it is nice to hear some good news this week amidst the gloom.



And finally this is the Friday Man of the Earthquake - Joseph Tehau Pohio who died a hero trying to save an injured woman.

Born with a hole in his heart, he had gone through several surgeries as a child.

His neck was broken two months out from his 21st birthday when he was hit by a car in Wellington on his way to an AC/DC concert. "We nearly lost him four times," Mrs Pohio said.

For all those who knew this good Kiwi bloke, Tēnā rāwā atu koe i tō aituā nui.

Sadly this is just going to be one of the many tragic stories of the Christchurch earthquake. There will be hundreds. We can only hope that the media report with respect to those families and friends who have lost their mates however we will read about each person who has been killed so do not stop printing their stories.

I was asked by a New Zealand media commentator and broadcaster when this week will end. We agreed that it will not, and neither should it be until each person tragically killed gets to have their story told should their family wish it to be.

Kiwiblog Correction

My good friend David Farrar has deemed me a "tax expert".

Compared to No Right Thought I guess I am an expert in most things, however in the profession I respectfully reject this tag.

a) there are very few "tax experts" in New Zealand. They are the ones with square eyes from constantly reading legislative updates and can memorise the lettered and old numbered sections of the Income Tax Act. They are also almost always very old because it is fucking difficult. I am definitely not one.

b) I haven't prepared a tax return since I left New Zealand. Calling me a tax expert is a bit like claiming a bald doctor can be an expert in hair transplants.

How Low Can The Stranded Go?

In the "wtf" category can we all have a moments silence, or even better a year in the sin-bin, for the worst blog at the moment in the history of the whole fucking world.

No, not Red Alert, they have been careful in what they write as they are adults. Even Trevor Mallard and Grant Robertson have managed not to politicise anything in their posts.

I am talking about their childish paid lap-bloggers.

The Stranded who have this week used the Christchurch earthquake to push their own agendas (tax increases), slag off the National Coalition Government, the prior efforts in Christchurch after September, a Minister in charge of fixing it all (Gerry Brownlee) and in a twisted post where they seem to argue something that the right in politics has never argued against in the first place - that taxes are used to pay for essential services such as Police, Civil defence, army and search and rescue.

They've just trotted along as usual with nasty bitter left-wing hate speech all week. Discussed meaningless junk such as Hone Harawira and tried to sensationalise the welfare working group recommendations as "eugenics". I mean for christ's sake how out of touch is this bunch of idiot babies?

This week New Zealand doesn't want to talk about that shit.

Whaleoil, with all his detachment disorders, depressive illness and unusual lack of empathy hasn't even come out with posts quite this fucking awful. I mean even I hit "Like" on John Key's Facebook page this week. He's doing his best in the worst and most trying circumstances in New Zealand's history. This will be New Zealand's worst disaster in terms of life lost and damage to buildings.

And lets not forget all the lost pets.

The Stranded are just a bunch of cunts.

On the right we have always known that but this week they are just proving it to everyone else.

There's no place to include them in the New Zealand blogosphere community.

I hereby move that they are booted immediately out of the NZ Bloggers Union for being cunts during earthquake week. No more linking. No more referencing. Ignore them.

Men of The Earthquake Day 2

Today it is the NSW and Japanese support teams. Japan didn't fuck around they sent over their own people.

The special target was the CTV building and the Japanese students trapped in there.

I imagine their mission in the CTV building was one of totally anguish but they did everything they could, as did their country to bring home their people alive.



Here are the NSW crew. Many of these guys have been in Queensland dealing with floods according to reports. New Zealand's best mates are Aussies. There's 500 of them in Christchurch currently. All doing their blokey best.

Men of the Earthquake

The difference between men and women is no better illustrated in disaster.

Men go and do stuff that all but a few women cannot, they lift heavy shit and rescue people.

Today's "Men of Earthquake" are these blokes coming back from doing blokey stuff. This one from John Key's Facebook (because most media outlets have irritating "sideshows" which are not blogger friendly).



We encourage photography of rescuers so everyone can celebrate their bravery.

Fongterra Playing Nicer

$1 million, some of your water and 1:1 donations with farmers

CEO Andrew Ferrier said: “We have also launched a Fonterra Earthquake Relief Fund to enable our 10,500 farmer-shareholders and 16,000 staff to make personal donations. Fonterra will match what they give, dollar for dollar, up to a further $1 million.

Given they only gave $1 million last time, another $1 million is a tad light given the enormity of what has happened now and their record payout yesterday.

Anyway, it is a start.

Stubborn Sexist Old Coot

Rupert Murdoch that is.



For years we have seen his two sons tweedle dumb and tweedle dumber fight over who is going to succeed him. Neither have achieved much out of the shadow of Pops.

Then there was the daughter, Elisabeth. She went away and set up her own company and direction. That company is now being bought by Murdoch and she has reportedly made £200 million.

Ms Murdoch started Shine in 2001. She has built the company up through acquisitions, and its annual report of 2009 records £257 million in revenue and £2 million in profit.

That should be game over for tweedle dumb and dumber as the sister is clearly the winner at actually making money rather than coming along for the ride while the old man calls the shots from a structure he largely built up.

If the old man wasn't such a stubborn sexist old coot that is.

Air NZ v Fonterra PR Departments

Not mine!

I have just viewed the last of today's online footage of the Christchurch earthquake. Many people used the word "warzone" in September after the first one. Which I thought was a tad pathetic because no one died. Well today Christchurch actually did resemble one.

The pictures and coverage were astonishing. Hopefully people show a bit more respect to not post and circulate some of the images I have seen from those gaining their cellphone and video disaster-trophy shots while the good (mostly) men of Christchurch had their hands full actually moving brick to save people in the best show of masculinity that New Zealand women have seen off the sportsfield in decades.

Speaking of reactions let us compare two New Zealand corporates with "special" (protected) positions in the marketplace thanks to all manner of legislative assistance and intervention:

Air New Zealand

Air New Zealand didn't disappoint with their special airfare and lack of exploiting supply and demand at this time. At midnight Tuesday NZ, Wednesday was booked out but you could fly with 2 bags as well from Christchurch to Auckland or Wellington on Thursday for just $48 one way. A jubilant generous Facebook friend managed to secure three seats for his close family to repatriate them to Auckland.

An "adopt a Cantabrian" scheme needs to take place where families around New Zealand simply relocate their relatives from Christchurch where they can. Air New Zealand has helped this FB friend achieve such a goal.

Let us compare the excellent emergency response of Air NZ with that of another heavily PR'ed "special" corporate in New Zealand:

Fongterra

Today Fonterra announced amid the rubble more payout 60 cents to bring the average farmer payout to $1 million. It also received a boost from a 1 cent dive in the dollar the moment news spread of the quake.

Back in September, Fonterra donated a pathetic $1 million to Christchurch's first earthquake. So the real question will be what will Fonterra do the day after the big earthquake? Because they've missed out on the day it happened. Perhaps they were too busy feeling smug with their payout news to bother. Payout announcements that are starting to have all the crass PR hype attached that farmers complain of Aucklanders having. Farmers have truly become the new New Zealand wankers and today it showed up with the backdrop to their jubilant trumpeting PR news of more money in their own pockets - Christchurch was devastated.

Reports in are that farms in the region escaped the worst brunt of the real quake. But farmers know too well of the generosity of the New Zealand taxpayer when they have their once in every hundred year drought every couple of years or other natural disasters they never seem to have insurance cover for. Not to mention the Kyoto bill that the taxpayer is going to fork out for on their behalf for signing up to the stupid scheme.

So big question Fonterra, will you withhold a large chunk of that 60 cent payout today for Canterbury? Or will you plead more pathetic poverty yourselves and we see a token attempt at charity such as the "freeze" in the price of milk for this year on the just 5% of your total production that is consumed in New Zealand?

Watching and waiting.

And in the meantime enjoying the show online from rescuers who are just doing an awesome job in terribly difficult circumstances. It is easy to criticise the emergency response from a safe desks 500 kms away and give opinion, but everyone is more than trying their best. And most on the ground assisting the trained professionals will be risking their own lives to save people and pull out bodies, with no training to deal with the physical or mental anguish attached.



Keep it up boys!

No Right Thought

Thee who doesn't allow comments



The often cut-and-pasted doyen of the left has completed some excellent indepth analysis (sarcasm) on how little tax selected NZ corporates pay. Labelling them all under the heading "Tax Cheats".

To do so he has gone to the huge effort of merely looking up the annual reports and taken two raw figures without even reading the notes to the reports, let alone related commentary.

• Abano Healthcare Group Limited reported a 2010 pretax profit of $81.5 million, but paid only $2.6 million in tax - an effective rate of 3.19%.
• Ryman Healthcare Limited [PDF] reported a 2010 pretax profit of $83.8 million, but paid only $5.4 million in tax - an effective rate of 6.5%
• Infratil [PDF] reported a pretax profit of $106 million, but paid only $11 million in tax - an effective rate of 10.4%
• The NZX [PDF] itself reported $43.4 million in profit, but paid only $4.7 in tax - a rate of 10.9%.

NRT is not alone in not understanding tax accounting and tax audit work and the concepts of deferred and current tax balances and adjustments. But here the lack of understanding is truly awful.

It is late at night and I am tired so I will carefully explain just one because the Red Alerters have used the post to run off about closing loopholes, tax avoidance and offshore structures when the figures that NRT has used represent nothing of the sort. All they represent is a basic lack of understanding of a large corporate and their reporting that we have come to expect from the left.

If you click on Infratil's accounts for example (they are the only one I could find with a comprehensive explanation of their tax balances) on page 53 you will see that here they take the net profit before tax and show a line-by-line adjustment on the tax numbers. The explanation of deferred and current tax is even made by the company in its accounts at page 45 in relatively simple terms.

The explanation for Infratil not paying the full company tax rate is a massive $30.4 million write-back in the "Net investment realisations/impairment".

It had absolutely nothing to do with tax avoidance, evasion, shirking of their duty or offshore structuring. No cheating. All accounts are audited and signed off by professionals using NZ accounting standards.

For Infratil most of the adjustment seems to be due to a dud investment that isn't as worth as much as they thought it would be. The nature of Infratil's business activity suggests that it is in the business of reasonably large swings in valuations through their accounts. When the valuations go the other way equal adjustments are made with differing tax results.

If NRT looked at pg 53 he will see that for the 2009 year Infratil made a net loss of $93.8 million before tax, yet had a tax expense of $34.6 million? How can a company making a loss NRT and pay all that tax? Based on the raw presentation of his data this makes no sense at all does it? Why? Because you have to read the data contained in the tax reconciliation and interpreted what has happened in the company.

Perhaps before No Right Thought engaged his fingers defaming a very wide range of directors in New Zealand as "cheating" on company taxes, he may just like to learn how to read and engage his brain and find out just why each corporate hasn't paid the full tax rate for that particular year.

Even repeaters manage to generally get this correct come annual reporting season.

How About Those Discount Books Kerre?

In the review of sensationalist Hotchin stories the HoS didn't disappoint with today's tabloid efforts.

"Spin Doctor Goes From Tobacco to Hotchin"

Or as I can rename it:

"Non-smoker who six years ago represented tobacco sets up media appointments for Hotchin because he can't do that himself"

An expose from newbie Kathryn Powley of Carrick Graham. Graham's crime is representing Hotchin in arranging his media bookings. So alike are Hotchin and Graham that the print HoS required a circle around Graham so we could differentiate between them. We are reminded who Graham's father is, and that he crashed a Ministerial car when he was 23.

There was absolutely no point to this piece other than to attempt to smear everyone related to Mark Hotchin. But it wasn't as silly as this next piece where a body language expert from Sydney was called in to opine. What was the problem, couldn't they afford to call Lie To Me makers and get Dr Cal Lightman to opine?

Expert: Hotchin Came Across As Cold

or as I can rename it "Australian waffly thinker opines on corporate and calls him cold"

Let me ask you, how on earth was Hotchin meant to behave in the Sainsbury piece? Break down in tears like Hone Harawira?

"You would think he would have a lot more empathy for people who have lost their life-savings," he said.

Perhaps so but once again, these investors didn't all lose their life-savings. Far from it. The one example the Weekend Herald came up with yesterday lost as much as it costs for a fortnight boarding at Kings.

It was a case of damned if you do damned if you don't.

Kelly said Hotchin appeared uncomfortable and nervous during the interview but it was ultimately like he was in a board meeting.

Worse than that. He's in a seat looking at bright lights which explains the blinking, with make-up smeared on his face and forehead, sweating like a rapist from the heat of the studio for half an hour full dressed in a suit. If you have ever had the pleasure of visiting a TV set you will know that it is not as pretty as it looks on television. Mark Sainsbury does this every night. His guests do not. Hotchin was never a flamboyant CEO in the mould of Rob Fyfe who makes love to the camera every time he gets near it. He isn't Paul Reynolds. And there are precious few leaders of corporates who can look fun and empathetic on television. They are not trained to be and the personality type demands skills that are not television friendly.

All and all a pathetic piece from Rachel Grunwell. Isn't she the reporter who shares stories with the gossip section?

Then we couldn't resist could we Kerre? Social commentator Woodham had a go at business commentary with:

"Protests won't wash until hurt, losses are put right"

Or as I name it "Hotchin should pay everyone back but I won't be refunding those who bought my book at full price"

Woodham reaches into the bottom of the morality basket with this one. Although she doesn't make judgment on the criminal fraud matters she somehow again is under the perception that investors "who lost their shirts". Sadly for Kerre and her talkback ranters, very few investors "lost their shirts". As discussed ad nauseum per investor their losses were negligible.

In the days when businessmen sold stuff, tangible goods, not drawings of apartments yet to be built and not promises of high returns, LV Martin was the standard bearer. He had a famous catchphrase, "it's the putting right that counts".

And until such time that Mark Hotchin is able to square things away with his hurt and angry investors, to put right the enormous losses - he'll have a hard job convincing them that he's a victim too.

If she wants an LV Martin sort of guarantee that is impossible because the failure of Hanover was caused by a downturn in the property market. The names McKenna, David Henderson x 2, Sereposis, Krukziener mean anything to her? All developed these projects that were financed by lending and couldn't pay it back because people stopped buying their projects. The blame is much wider to spread than Hotchin. The blame is even wider to spread than developers going under. Not even the might of Kerre Woodham can fight a property downturn.

The finance industry isn't the same as selling televisions. If the television doesn't work you can replace it with another. If a finance company doesn't work, you can't refund the monies invested because guess what? There isn't anything there.

Oh that's right you can - if the finance company was guaranteed like SCF. But again unlike SCF, Hanover and Mark Hotchin has not cost the taxpayer a cent because they were not part of the guarantee scheme.

Asking Hotchin to refund all the losses in Hanover, especially after investors voted to take Allied shares, is as absurd as asking Kerre to refund all those who have purchased her book at Whitcoulls (that's another post in itself isn't it?) for $29.95 when Whitcoulls sticks it in the bargain bin and flogs it off for $4.95. Do readers complain to her personally to ask her to refund the $25 they over paid for the product?

All and all three stupid stories today in HoS.

So the scorecard is now HoS -3, NBR -2, Fairfax (Stuff) 0, Herald 2

Herald on Hotchin

And yes today the Weekend Herald had an absolute exhausting round-up of Hotchin stories to cap off the week. So let me give these a rating as well.

Mark Hotchin's Comeback Plan

This piece by Karyn Scherer discusses Hotchin's current and future plans to as he puts it:

Mr Hotchin said he was "just trying to earn a buck", and it was not realistic for Hanover investors to expect him to stop "eating or working".

It had been almost three years "since Hanover was earning".

"I can't just stop and have the family starve. I've got to keep moving ... I need to get on with my life, the same as everybody else has to ..."

Overall it is an interviewed fair piece of reporting which is the scene setter to the other articles in the Weekender.

Mark Hotchin: The Man Behind The Money

This piece by Phil Taylor is a little more sludgey delving back into Hotchin's upbringing and family. The piece does however shed light on what most of us already know, but Hanover investors seem loathe to accept:

"Carving up and building on residential sections relied on borrowing. He used finance companies, an industry that got its oxygen from a lack of competition in the banking industry. There were plenty of investors looking for a better return than 6 per cent being offered by banks. Finance companies scooped up demand from those outside of the bank's lending criteria commonly, developers.

"Mark came to realise that if he owned the finance company, he could control all angles," says the friend. "At a time when the price of assets [property] was going up because anyone could get credit, it was easy money."

The piece gets a bit confused when mid-way it delves back into brother John's enemy list. Quite why that is relevant here is a mystery other than to tarnish the more famous brother with the same brush of what the brother is alleged to have done.

The piece does discuss the importance of the law allowing and requiring capitalisation of loans. This concept that not many lay people either accept or understand:

"The answer - and this is common not just to Hanover but many finance companies operating in the property sector - is loans were capitalised, meaning income was earned on paper by the way it was accounted for. A developer would not have to repay a loan, or interest accruing on it, until an agreed date, such as when the project was completed and the developer had made his profit. But interest would be recorded on the books, consistent with our accounting standards, as income".

There is one stupid inflammatory quote from Brian Gaynor:

Business commentator Brian Gaynor has noted that the result, though unintended, has the same effect as a Ponzi scheme. Interest on debentures, repayment of debentures and dividends to the finance company owners were all sourced from new debenture money.

Welfare is a Ponzi scheme also if that is the case as are dividends of publicly listed companies where the asset valuations were later found out to be too optimistic due to unforseen movement in the market. The flagrant mis-use of the negative "Ponzi" term is silliness. I would take issue with this claim as well:

In addition, "it appears a number of owners of finance companies sold properties to developers at vastly inflated prices and these purchases were 100 per cent funded by a finance company owned by the vendors."

You mean like plenty of banks did at the time with residential property? What is an "inflated price"? Inflated compared to now, but at the time of the property boom created with increasing bank liquidity this was common place in New Zealand. Developments were sold based on expected future earnings. The market could have gone up and therefore these values wouldn't comparative be inflated?

The piece portrays Hotchin quite differently from his persona in the social pages. He seems far more Kiwi bloke from the wrong side of town than the suit, tie standing next to the ballroom gowned wife.

Allied Chairman Hits Back at Hotchin Bad News Claims

This piece was allocated to Anne Gibson to get Allied's side of the story. They are in obvious disarray presently and have silenced the contingent liability that is Rob Alloway for his previous stupid comments. The best Mr Garry Bluett, could come up with was a rather limp:

When told in detail of Hotchin's criticisms against Allied, Bluett responded: "He would say that, wouldn't he? We're not the ones being investigated." "We didn't do the deals," Bluett said of the many disastrous loans extended by Hanover/United.

"Disasterous loans" you mean the one's Allied were in court over the previous week arguing that they were not sham loans and that Hanover Finance and Property were arms-length? The reason Allied are not being investigated is simple - Hanover haven't reported them to the SFO, yet. Their four months of due diligence appears a giant fraud.

The piece of Gibson's is reasonable and relevant shedding light from both parties about their involvement and offering Allied a right of reply.

Allied versus Hanover

This not-named authored piece must sit with the other article in the print version as online I cannot see the context for it. It merely summarises in simple terms what has happened to date.

Hotchin's $76m 'Favour' Nothing of The Sort, says Shareholder Association

This piece is jointly attributed to Fran O'Sullivan and Karyn Scherer. They have sought to report the views of the Shareholders Association predominantly. The Association that former head Bruce Sheppard could only get one aggrieved Hanover investor to sign up to to, causing him to throw in the towel helping them.

The current head makes the accusation that only $10 million in cash was put back into Hanover by Watson and Hotchin and the rest was in property. Even if this claim is true, it shows that again there is a misunderstanding of what precisely Hanover did, it financed property. Property developers in general are cash poor in terms of their portfolios. They put their gains back into property, when they pay for something they look to trade a property for part-payment, their tax bills come not necessarily with cash. Their positions are hard to calculate based on this. When Mark Hotchin says he doesn't know his net-wealth at present I believe him. Life isn't as simple as adding up cash + property because the property is a "position", not a cash position. It is not a measurable market position as would be owning 100,000 Telecom shares. O'Sullivan and Scherer have done us all a favour and found this gem of a disgruntled investor

"I was sceptical about the deal from day one and sold my Allied Farmers shares on the first available trading day for 10.5c, leaving me with a loss of about $2950 on my original $5000 investment," said Mr Hepburn. "Sadly, some 90 per cent or so of the original Hanover secured depositors still hold their shares now trading at 1.8c."

Mr Hepburn now wants to go on Close Up and "really challenge Mr Hotchin" (or Hanover chairman David Henry) on the comments made on nationwide television on Thursday.

So Mr Hepburn lost a grand total of $2,950 from a piddly $5,000 investment and he's crying to the Herald. The value of his house has probably dropped that in a week at some point. I am not blaming the Herald for finding this time wasting muppet but Mr Hepburn really needs to take a look at himself and perhaps redirect his anger towards someone more deserving, like the Herald delivery paperboy for coming 5 minutes late in the morning. He's the kind of GOC that would ring the Herald Editor and blame him for the paperboy being late.

It is time that the myth was debunked that these "Ma and Pa Investors" lost life savings. If $5,000 is a man's life savings then he has about a trillion things to be angry about really. As I have previously published, $500 million divided by 16,000 investors is an average loss of just $31,250, many I assume were corporates as well that skewed this average upwards. And the Herald is giving wind to a trumped up idiot losing $2,950.

Hepburn wants a platform then write to me at cactus.kate at hotmail.com and tell me how his life has been ruined by the loss of a grand total of $2,950 and I will publish his concerns.

Summary:

All and all the best balance of reporting in one day's paper thus far. Allied's concerns were addressed, the shareholders association concerns were covered, a disgruntled grumpy old man was quoted and the history of Hotchin's other businesses were also discussed. The headlines were reasonable and lacked sensationalism and the nature and tone of the rest was rational, reasonable debate. Will greatly upset Hanover investors I am sure, who demand sensationalism.

So the scorecard as it stands now is: NBR -2, Stuff 0, Herald 2

We look forward to HoS to see what the tabloid will come up with.

Anti-Hotchin Campaigners Tactics Revealed

I have received two pieces of correspondence from anonymous cowards in relation to the Hanover story reviews I am compiling. Probably from the same person unhappy that I am reporting the reasonableness of media. As Brian Edwards knows NFWAB, because our forum allows us to confront and front-foot anything directed at us.

The first was an email in a threatening tone that accused me of all sorts of related party matters to Hotchin and Hanover with a family connection. All absolute bullshit.

The next is easier to address because it summarises the email above:

The comment that I have published under the heading post "Owner of Hotchin's Neighbour's Cousin's Dog Bankrupted"

"Cactus when are you going to make a disclosure about your family interest in Vomo?".

The allegation is some related connection about as strong as the neighbour's cousin's dog. Hotchin has stated this week he didn't even pay for the 50th party on Vomo but again this is the one thing these disgruntled mad nutters bring up everytime as an example of his apparent excessive spending.

The shocking truth is that my future brother-in-law is one of the owners of Vomo. My interest in Vomo? Quite simple - none. Well if there was an entire Island of hot men there without their wives or girlfriends then I could have some interest in the Island.

I have never been to Vomo but if I go there I am expected to pay a price , just like everyone else, that per night I could spend five nights in Venice presently.

If the twit sending me these messages is a disgruntled nutcase of an investor then they could at the least use their own name and send me something legible enough to publish.

Owner of Hotchin's Neighbour's Cousin's Dog Bankrupted!!!

There's been a healthy competitive spirit emerging in the battle for the worst Hotchin stories.

Insiders at Stuff are clearly not happy at being 0-1 down to the NBR so have alerted me to these pieces. In fairness I will now have to oblige in ritual dissection.

The first today by Jock Anderson headed

"Hotchin's Shadowy Link Bankrupted"

Or as I have termed it:

"Owner of Hotchin's Neighbour's Cousin's Dog bankrupted!!"

It is all so juicy with Hotchy's name in the headline of course that they've put it behind the paywall to tempt you all to fork out the $89 for 6 months or $178 for 12 months to read it.

The irony of course being that below this expose of Jock's is David Henderson's (Auckland) bid to fend off bankruptcy. and a bankrupt complaining the IRD forced his wife to kill herself.

Given the NBR have dutifully reported pretty much every property developer/dealer going bankrupt in the past two years, chances are more than a couple have close or even distant relationships with Hanover, Bridgecorp, Strategic and SCF. After all, these guys rolling over are most of the reason the finance companies have indeed failed and investors have lost their money in the first place.

That is finance companies were lending to property dealers and developers to build these projects. It was well knwon that they were all lending to finance property.

Mr Brown was involved (or a sexy term "fronted") with Coromandel Investment Trustees that BOUGHT the Kinloch golf course development off Hanover pre-Allied sale.

In an entirely superflous paragraph, Brown also was "closely associated" with another bankrupt Ethnik Krasniqi who worked previously with Hotchin and was at Kinloch. Errr wouldn't he have worked with Hotchin if he ran Kinloch because err pre-2008 Hanover owned it?!

Brown's separate company Coastal Asset Management went tits up last March as in March 2010. He's going tits up. If he's merely "fronting" something it shouldn't be an issue as it means his failure won't affect the company will it? Jock's having a hack both ways using the journalistic allure of the word "fronting" with an attempt to link the bankruptcy of the alleged "frontman" to the strength of the company"s finances.

Ignoring of course all the time that companies are a separate legal entity to a natural person and the concept of limited liability.

Allied if they due diligenced the relationship of the names of directors and shareholders behind the loans should have realised this was the case and had a discount for taking on the debt given its nature if required.

Again:

a) New Zealand is a pisspot tiny country. Almost EVERYONE knows or has worked with everyone else in the property development/finance scene at one or more times.

b) when one goes tits up if its large enough the ripple through effect makes them eventually all go tits up.

The next NBR headline was this beauty from Duncan Bridgeman

"Cosy Queen St deal nothing to do with me - Hotchin" or as I put this one:

"Two businessmen decide to buy absolute fucking eyesore - should be given New Years Honours"

Again use of the key search term "Hotchin" in the headline.

Hotchin is here smeared with the same brush as his wife's brother in law Mr Alan Copeman who worked for Hanover at one point.

Again it is very common especially in Auckland for people to work for developers and then branch out on their own. No one is tarring Jimmy Kirkpatrick with Andrew Krukziener's financial troubles for example? Andrew worked for Jimmy and their wives are sisters. Rather like a variation of what is here.

In Auckland the social scene is very inbred as well. Rich men date good looking women who have sisters. These sisters don't marry just any smelly bum off the street, they are introduced to and marry other upwardly mobile well-dressed men who can provide them with a nice lifestyle. And guess what? Most have loads of property or have dabbled in developing/trading land and buildings. Because in New Zealand traditionally property is how you got rich.

It's also on a downturn how you get poor if you are left holding lots of it highly leveraged.

Copeman sent a statement firmly denying the link with a "such associations are detrimental to my business and must cease forth with". Too damn right they are damaging. Hotchin being as welcome as herpes presently thanks to sensationalist reporting targeted at the unkempt masses such as this.

The other partner of Copeman's Murray Smith is linked to the above bankrupt Brown because the companies "share the same address". No further reporting distinguished quite what that meant. Hello, registered address at the companies office perhaps? One accountant, registered office or lawyer could act as office for hundreds even thousands of companies.

There's no suggestion that these two men have money worries, but a mischievous poke that they may be fronting for Hotchin to buy a complete eyesore of a building.

And rounding it off with the spectacular irony of this headline.

"Hanover legacy at Jacks Point for auction".

Where a real estate agent Bas Smith is given a basic advertorial to hawk off land at half its rateable value to those seeking low entry prices for high capital gains. "Lucky people" they are called. Lucky?

This is where "unlucky" Hanover investors money really went...it was lost in property due to a decline in the marketability of these raw sections.

Now some "lucky" people are going to buy it?

Shoudn't Hanover investors be going after these lucky people profiting from their misfortune and ask for a share in the sale of eventual capital gains from their purchasers?

Nope, it's far easier to whack up another headline and blame Hotchin.

The Hotchin media sensationalism scorecard now stands Stuff 0, NBR (loses 3 points for above) -2.

Why Government Cannot Create Jobs

$317,000 for a pumpkin patch.

$334,000 to sew linen for a marae.

All interviewed. All have one thing in common that of course we cannot talk about.

Oh dear.....

Wait for even more unsupervised and unadulterated Whanau Ora from the Maori Party, a Party who solves its own problems such as Honest Hone by agreeing not to further talk about them. This will be just awesome.

Jacinda Ardern can take the piss however aren't these the left-wing style tree hugging "government and agencies linked to it can create jobs" solutions of the left anyway? They started the rot with the $26k hip-hop tour for two.

The only people getting rich off these "create a job" schemes are the providers.

Faux jobs are no substitute for real ones and the only sector that creates such jobs is the private one.

Meanwhile boot camps are showing a re-offending rate of 47 per cent. Namby pamby left-wing hate speech panty waisters like Martyn Bradbury say that's a sign they don't work and should be canned so 100% of participants can re-offend.

Here at Asian Invasion we can simply comment along the Oswald Bastable school of thought and say that the courses should be made 47% tougher for the little shits.

Get Your Popcorn Ready Thursday 7pm

For all those whingers complaining about the lack of front:

Hotchin live and unedited on Close Up

"Close Up has one of those don't miss moments on Thursday as Mark Hotchin fronts up in the studio for a live and unedited interview.

The former owner of Hanover Finance has been pilloried for living it up while investors lose their savings but he has got his own questions about Hanover, claiming Allied Farmers have wrecked it and wasted it.

Close Up has its own questions for Hotchin and nothing is off the table.

And as Mark Sainsbury says, whatever you think of Hotchin he has shown some grit by appearing live on the show".

Allied Argues Hanover Business No Sham

There has been so much bias towards nothing really but sensationalism in reporting thus far from less-thinking business reporters and commentators into Hanover and with it Mark Hotchin.

I now feel obliged to take it upon myself to put all NZ media on notice that the home for the ritual dissection of every single piece of sensationalist crap reporting shall be housed here.

Obviously I am hoping for more accurate and contextually honest reporting by competing outlets so we can compare and contrast styles of media.

So today was a perfect start as we have two conflicting samples in a case that can be known colloquially from now on as Allied v Gapes or Gapes v Allied depending on your viewpoint. Yes the same Allied that also has a case pending, well many probably, both against it and then against Hanover suggesting Hanover's practices were less than acceptable to them and the same Allied that has used taxpayer funds via the SFO as an offensive weapon to complain about their either poor purchase/misuse of assets since. And yes, this is the same Gapes, Deborah Hill-Cone infamously denounced as a "kitten drowner" who has apparently already purchased former Hanover assets off Allied here in parts of Five Mile. And according to some allegations from the comments hounds on NBR, this is the same Gapes reportedly at Hotchin's infamous 50th party that his friends paid for who is actually fronting for Hotchin in these buy-backs.

Ex Mr 5 Mile - Hendo in happier times

Confused yet? You will be more so on reading the articles I have linked here.

In short, Allied in buying the selected net assets of Hanover in Hanover Finance now have to go to court and argue that Hanover Finance's agreements and separations stand-up while at the same time bitching to the SFO about the inter-related loans and the like in the running of the company. How delicious is that?

And how delicious is Gapes argument bitching and whinging about related party transactions when allegations of his closeness to Hotchin circulate? Or that loans are fictions when if true, he would actually be a known party to the alleged fiction?

Sample 1 from the NBR - Related Party Smear as Hanover and Gapes Battle it out

It is of course Allied battling with Gapes, not Hanover however in doing so Gapes has roundhoused on Hanover:

Ms Grant said Fenton’s struggle to claim for loss demonstrated the way Hanover would interchange companies within the group to suit the joint venture and demonstrated how Hanover did not treat its finance and property arms as separate entities.

In other words quite deliciously again, for the opponent Gapes, the lawyer Ms Grant is arguing the substance of what Allied will probably argue later in cases against Hanover. Allied have had to argue against this in this case.

Nathan Gedye, the lawyer for Allied Farmers Investments, which took over the assets of Hanover Finance in 2009, said Hanover Finance – a separate legal entity – was not party to the joint venture and the loan was a normal, stand alone agreement which was in no way part of the joint venture.

Sample 2 from Stuff - Hanover Loan Papers 'Fiction'

Apart from the headline, I will pull out the sensationalist material here with narrative in brackets:

She said the property was held by Fenton Projects as trustee for the JV to avoid the loan being seen as a related party loan.

''The primary loan documents were a fiction,'' said Grant. (Gapes lawyer)

''It's a sham?'' asked associate judge Jeremy Doogue.

''That would be one characteristic of it, Sir,'' said Grant (Gapes lawyer).

Hanover Property, she said, wanted the loan documents with Hanover Finance drafted in such a way as to avoid them being tainted as related party loans.

The facts of this case are not that important and neither report has extensively covered the finer detail for us to draw a conclusion on the matter. Let's face it in sample 2 they sure as hell aren't. I am looking at the court reporting styles between a specialist business paper and a pack of toadies who send unlucky muppets to sit in court all day.

Now a friend of mine to keep his anonymity who we shall call "Ed" has more degrees than a triangle so academically he's not a complete idiot with an average reading age of 12 as most of the readership of Stuff and NZ Herald are. "Ed" posted this on my Facebook.

no no no....about 50 lines down:
"''The primary loan documents were a fiction,'' said Grant.

''It's a sham?'' asked associate judge Jeremy Doogue.

...''That would be one characteristic of it, Sir,'' said Grant. "

Not only that but the counsel says they are "a fiction"...and the Judge elaborates further on behalf of them, by adding that they are a "sham".

I think there is a big leap from a paid-up counsel calling something "a fiction" and an impartial judge immediately calling something a "sham".

I corrected him and like a thinking person "Ed" went back and read the report again and realised that he was wrong, rescinded and learned his lesson.

The Judge didn't say any such thing he asked if it was a sham in discussion with Counsel. The Stuff report mischievously inserted the Judge's discussion with the opposing Counsel.

Thing is, for most reading the article past the header their mind is already made up. This is the "power" of MSM. Idiots don't and can't read contextually or many times at all. The MSM publishers know that at least 75% of their readership are idiots.

How about we change the headline like I have to "Allied Argues Hanover Business No Sham"? That's far more accurate and would completely alter the tone of the whole piece. As well as any future commentary that Allied are arguing that they bought a dog they didn't know about or arguably are running it into the ground. Or their argument about related party lending when they've gone to court and tried to argue that a loan has successfully distanced Hanover Finance from Hanover Property:

But Gedye strongly rejected the argument and said it was tantamount to an accusation of fraud or deceit and was based on hearsay.

''There is no evidence of a sham. Even if the sham argument was accepted as tenable, it's a matter between the defendant and Hanover Property,'' Gedye said.

Nathan Gedye, the lawyer for Allied Farmers Investments, which took over the assets of Hanover Finance in 2009, said Hanover Finance – a separate legal entity – was not party to the joint venture and the loan was a normal, stand alone agreement which was in no way part of the joint venture.

Publishers must love court reporting because it is generally excluded from possible Press Council complaint and other proceedings because the court is public. If you study court reporting in any depth to a case you are familiar with because you have sat in court everyday with them during it, you will analyse just how the reporter and the publisher can stretch this to mould public opinion and their own sensationalist messages by either using selective quotes from Judges and lawyers or even the evidence given in the open court.

Any reporter is trained to write facts in many differing fashions to create a quasi-opinion or editorial that is wanted, usually to sell papers rather than advance any particular principled bias. A reporter could re-write this Allied v Gapes today to not make any mention of Hanover and focus on the actual parties, Allied and Gapes and more on the actual document in question.

In the Hanover reporting most editors seem to be looking for sensationalism in many forms rather than impartially analysing and then stating what is, a highly complicated set of business transactions that the SFO, Securities and Commerce Commissions and probably even Hanover's own lawyers who have picked the case file up as they have gone on, will struggle to get their heads around. So what chance a journalist who doesn't even have all the background papers?

Just like every structure ever put together. Reporting is a mere snapshot at best based on piecemeal information fed to the reporter and other external sourced information and intelligence they can find, most sources with their own agendas.

Why are structures created like that? Business isn't straight-forward and most of the time never can be. When you have a set of companies their inter-relationship is complicated. Many a lawyer spends hours interpreting structure diagrams for large companies, pity the fools who have to create them in the first place.

Gapes here is being taken to task by Allied when only months ago he was reported as buying part of Five Mile off them. Why on earth he didn't factor this litigation into the deal buying his part of Five Mile is anyone's guess. That's complicated enough in itself. Factor in everything else that's happened and that finance companies aren't like taking loans with banks, by definition, else you would go to the bank and sign a straight forward transaction. Finance companies are used when the banks don't want to loan the money themselves or will do but at higher rates. Property transactions partially finance are also almost always complex.

Loans are structured for a purpose according to the law, there is prima facie nothing illegal about structuring loans with various parties for all sorts of commercial reasons. "Sham" in itself is more than one characteristic as Gapes counsel even stated when she replied to the Judge just the "one" characteristic.

Look at any structure, especially complex tax cases that have made it to court and you will see many pages in judgments about sham. In New Zealand's largest tax case Accent Management Ltd & Ors v Commissioner of Inland Revenue [2007] NZCA 230, even though he wanted to, the Judge didn't even go as far as calling it a sham, stating "while the forestry arrangements may have been highly artificial and contrived, they were not a sham".

So watch the court reporting in newspapers and read them with these factors in mind. A good court report accurately disseminates information about proceedings in a completely impartial way that the public in absentia can be educated with. Most court reports however cross the line and end up when read being less than impartial because they mix sensationalist and often misleading headlines and facts that are reported in court with those opinions and hearsay comments made out of court. It is obviously a skill to write them this way for newspapers and get away with it as many push the boundaries.

So today I can rank NBR 1 Stuff 0. NBR's report, while not perfect, all and all far more neutral and non-prejudicial. The NBR comments hounds on the other hand!!

Wendyl Goes Back To Paris

But we've been there!

Tour Diary - Introduction

Cheeky bird and Matilda first on to my BA seat.

I have just got back from a rather quick but llllloooong trip. This time I spent less than three days in each place. Admittedly not a nice way to travel compared to spending weeks at a time in one pleasant location.

As explained this trip I brought along two very special New Zealanders. One has her own column which I am sure has been fabricated the past fortnight, she writes:

"I recently spent several nights in the caravan alone knitting and listening to National Radio. I listened as a blind man travelled through India recording his exciting adventures. These mainly involved disgusting smells on streets and walking into cows, during which I knitted three washcloths in green, blue and brown and two dishcloths in blue and grey tones."

Which is impossible because Wendyl and Matilda were with me the entire trip through Heathrow and Gatwick to Florence, Rheims, Paris, Barbados, Zurich, Milan and her beloved Venice. I have the pictures to prove it. How could I leave for Venice without Wendyl and Matilda? It was Wendyl who inspired the whole bloody tour.

Tour Diary - Milan

Just sucks. Don't bother going there. Day trip to the fashion outlets when you stay in Rome, Florence or Venice.

There's nothing in the city. Even the shopping is crap. Which is I know oxymoronic to some extent but the good shopping isn't in Milan. Even the hen and Wendyl were keen to get out of there and on to the train as soon as possible.

Seriously stay in bed and reach under the blanket and play with yourself, or give your boyfriend blowies for 5 solid hours and it will still be more satisfying than a day in Milan. I haven't been more bored and in dire need of class A drugs since attending PwC conferences at Wairakei Resort.

And I used to leave those early to drive to visit Ginger the cat in the past due date deep fried vat of shit that is Matamata.

Milan is worse than all of that.

ENDS.

Tour Diary - Florence

I admit I came to Florence solely for the leather. My worldwide search for a decent leather and fur lined jacket has taken me without luck to New York, New Zealand, Hong Kong, London and now to Italy. You would think New Zealand could come up with something better than white leathers at the Chinese run duty free outlets. You know given the amount of animal furs and leathers in New Zealand and all? Every retailer I spoke with about the issue last trip blamed the recession. Tourists visiting New Zealand clearly haven't had a large hit have they? Can't understand that logic.

The train trip from Milan, where I based myself, disappointingly was very non-eventful with not much to see on the way. Apart from some snow in Bologna and endless graffiti that seems a national problem. The countryside very much like New Zealand, with of course much older construction of sheds, homes and other buildings. The train station in Milan is a sight to behold. Limited security, and as cold as you can believe a building made with storeys high ceiling. Not a single homeless person or beggar in sight. Too bloody cold to sit around I guess. To warm up I sat briefly by two giant Armani billboards of a topless Rafael Nadal and another of Ronaldo (Cristiano). There's no lounge, nowhere really to sit and thus most people arrive to the platform within seconds before the train leaves. Arriving an hour before the train leaves doesn't make any sense at all. Note to self.

Florence itself was surprisingly more than leather. Even through the bitterly cold wind swept streets Florence has something indescribable to a tourist that you had to be there and walk around to experience it.

There are very few cars, just taxis. For women in nice shoes walking on the road is a better option than hobbling over stones. Italian men are equal opportunity, they seem to stare at every woman they walk by. Make eye contact with any and you get a slutty smile from their faces.

Like all Italian cities and towns Florence has large monuments to small flacid penises, religion and overgrown, out of control restoration projects that would make Night Mayor Len Brown's town hall project seem like chump change.

The streets of Florence are paved with little pockets of interesting quirky stores and eating places. The day I was there the streets were also rather empty. Stores hang signs that my phrasebook said closed for lunch. Little sole operators sell from locally owned shops.

I was greeted much to my amusement with what looked like a Union demonstration up the main streets. Thousands of people marched past shouting slogans of course, just like New Zealand's Unionists, I had no idea what they actually wanted and cared even less.

The leather market itself is a testament to manufactured confusion. Streets of stalls leading to shops behind the stalls. Here you can buy every kind of leather and fur imaginable. It repeats on itself somewhat. The jackets are not that cheap. Bargaining not that welcome from clearly recession hit PIIGS yocals. Expect to pay a couple of hundred Euros for a plain leather jacket, up to 4-500 for one tailored with fur. Its not really a matter of comparison because literally there's very few places in the world you can now buy this sort of stuff with this sort of quality and workmanship. The best you can do now everywhere else seems to be something grown in another country but made in China.

After emptying cash out of my wallet much to the delight of one store owner, I decided to go in search of food. Unlike Milan, there's plenty of selection, only issue being that most restaurants, cafes or "bars" seem to have next to no seats inside and large outdoor seated areas barely heated with help. It was cold. Not like a cold day in Auckland at Soul when the heaters are blasting, but arctic windswept tunnels sort of cold. I decide on a tortellini pasta dish. Mildly awesome flavours and I notice Italians, most I've seen tend to be on the slim side, serve smaller portions than we would with pasta.

Italians like what we call squares of space to sit around, watch pigeons crap and beggars to sit.

Florence doesn't have many such persons in the main city and the day I was there to my delight it also seem devoid of children. Hallelujah to that. Its probably not a tourist place you would bring kids.

It is impossible to go a day in Italy without being confronted with dollops of beautiful gelato tanatalisingly close to you. No matter how cold it is outside, inside is always warm enough to suck back a cone.

I snuck into a shop in the centre of Florence selling the most divine furs I had seen. Prices ridiculous, however the lady was insistent I try one on, "we have sale, we are moving out to make some renovations". Heard that one before. Renovations probably meant closing for good. I never try something on unless there's a pretty good chance of buying it. Sanity prevailed and a €20,000 mink coat is probably not what I need in my wardrobe, even at that price it was "50% off" ("just for you Keewee very cheap"). I told the desperate vendor I was too young to buy such a coat, but would definitely be back in ten years.

I end the day with a drink, huddled to a heater in a square surrounded by beautiful monuments to David's penis, nuns and Italian police. The waiter takes the piss out of my Italian and flirts. I look for champagne but that's French, like many places in proud Italy the best I can do is a very nice blend of prosecco. I order a large glass full of strawberries and bruschetta. All taste superb and are fresh. As I go inside to pay the ever-increasing bill I ask for a hot chocolate, it was like everything in Italy, rich, pure and 100% chocolate. That went right through me. Definitely one order too much.

Florence should be on your bucket list, even if just for a day.

Tour Diary - Venice

The Queen and Wendyl aboard boat

Wendyl and Matilda's favourite day.

I never had any burning ambition at all to visit Venice. Until I saw The Tourist, and it mildly caught my interest, coupled with the thought I'd rather slit my wrists or gnaw off my arm than spend another day walking round Milan. So I booked tickets for a full day and off we went. To see if it is worth columns of Wendyttle hype. Well....you got me.....

Forget everything you read about Venice, too touristy, too expensive, too tutti. Just fucking GO! It should be on everyone's bucket list because with sea levels rising from natural phenomenons that greenies call "climate change" and "global warming" you may outlive Venice.

I've spent the past now seven years as an expat travelling, mostly combined with business trips and mostly on my own almost always to quite notably glamourous and otherwise totally awesome places. My one day from 9.22am to 6.20pm in Venice counts as the single most enjoyable day as a tourist in my life. It was better than my Hangover style 72 hour bender in Vegas or same in Monaco. It was pound for pound better than the first time I discovered a love of New York. I wish I'd stayed there at least a night.

Sure Venice is expensive if you worry about a cafe diet coke costing 6 euros or 18 euros for a glass of champagne, but can also be accessible to the stupid and infirm if they sit at the back of the train and just walk Venice. Wear sneakers, I don't know how those Venetian women elegantly float round in heels. Don't fool yourself, you can't.

Venice is pretty easy. Forget a map. You'll spend all day reading it. Simply get to Venice train station and go right outside where you will find boats. Their tube system are boats. For 16 Euros buy a 12 hour pass to use every boat you can find with a tube style number on it and get on it. Even if you stuff up badly the boat will circle back to where you came from. I had a little bout of geographical dyslexia getting to Murano which cost me an hour but gained me a full circle ride with locals travelling in to the more expensive centre.

Later when you've walked everywhere you can and things are repeating, sort yourself a gondola ride. It will cost you 100 euro including tip for 45 minutes and you'll be bullshitted and conned all the way, but if you are with a chick, she will totally give head after being on it. Very romantic. If on your own like I was, the "driver" will flirt with you and his friend at the station will jump in and pretend to be your boyfriend. The problem is getting rid of him.



The downside of my trip was that it was arctic. January is definitely not the optimal season, yet saying that there were minimal tourists and it didn't smell too bad. I wore a rug style lined fur coat, jeans, thermal pants, 2 layers of icebreaker and thermal shirt, an icebreaker beanie and gloves, a pair of gold top socks underneath a pair of therlos. And I was still freezing.

Matilda didn't like being left behind in Venice

I didn't study much history or classics at school, too busy with subjects that ensured I could afford to visit historic sites such as ones in Venice. Friends of mine who are Eurofiles hate me for it when I send them a picture with narration such as "standing in front of another FBC "fucking big church". When I visit a new place I only look at two things a) the bar life and b) what the locals do.

pest control? Never.

Walking in the alleys of Venice is akin at times to being stuck in a maze. I found following a local (ie. Well dressed woman with dog) the best way to get around.

The locals are easy to spot. Like any place worth living because other people want to live there, rent and real estate here are hideous. Therefore poor people are prohibited solely to being in the service industry. It is a lot like Monaco in that respect so very safe. If you can't afford to live in Venice you won't be in Venice. I found a real estate agent window and prices are worse than Hong Kong. When you see the real estate foundations you giggle at how long that 1 million euro shoebox will be lasting and what the body corporate fees are.

I was on a boat heading ultimately after a few drink stops to the train, with a group of five 60+ year old local women off to dinner or the theatre. All were dressed head to foot in almost identical mink. I don't know where their husbands were. Probably off working to pay for it all.

Venetians don't have cars or bicycles. Some have boats as in The American and others use water taxis.

The naffest part of Venice is behind Hotel Monaco at Venice where boutique shops such as Prada, Louis Vuitton and Hermes litter the shopping centres. All of course hidden in old style charade frontages. Gorgeously tall dark handsome men wonder around aimlessly stealing the eye of every woman coming past them. One laughs at me as he realises I am checking out a man walking in a different direction.



While on your tour on the gondola you can see when Venice floods the water leakage into the lower floors of buildings. For this reason the basements are at the sea level, people delicately propped above the canal. Leaky building syndrome is not such a worry here obviously.

When taken down the side canals you can experience the loudness in your head of absolute quietness.

I couldn't imagine how cool it would be to actually live here. But it makes being loaded totally worthwhile if you could stop working and spend 2 months a year living here. When the cold stops biting and before the thronging hoards of nasty tour groups come through in July/August.

I am the mistress of understatement when it comes to tourism. Not much makes me go wow.

a Little prosecco roadie


I agree with Wendylttle, Venice is wow squared.

Tour Diary - Zurich

I stopped only briefly in Zurich, it seems I am not alone. The late night BA flights are chocker with businessmen and women walking right from meetings to the 10 minute train ride to the airport and then the laborious amount of walking inside the bowels of the complex.

Zurich is a pleasant city noted for its efficient tram system...when of course you can work out how to find the English option on the ticket machine to complete the purchase. Venice has boats, London has the underground, Zurich does trams.

For a city relying on banking it was quite a surprise to me the lack of ATM machines I could find. The buildings are all quite beautiful low rises and naturally everyone I spoke to complained about rents and guess what? Affordable housing and rents. This whinging lasted as long as it took me to state they've got nothing on Hong Kong and at least their places seem larger than a shoebox.

The city is ridiculously clean and tidy. Even the train station seems a model citizen in that regard. The nightlife however seemed a bit stale and the shops were as fun as watching Top Gear backwards with a Mongolian voiceover.



Up in bankers row round Credit Suisse and UBS you can witness the seemingly thousands of tall, dark and handsome men trotting out for lunches. I would still think bonus season has done its tricks here despite banking requirements of customers that basically now require blood samples along with a passport and address proof. I sat at a cafe and watched them exit one by one enjoying a moment to reflect that all was still looking good in banking.

Everyone I met in Zurich seems to like skiing. Which is good I guess as in winter its freezing and I can't think around the city there's actually anything else to do but huddle round central heating and talk about the effects of lifting the veil of banking secrecy.

Zurich is a pleasant place to visit, but looks as dull to live as a one month ocean cruise accompanied by a dud root.

Tour Diary - Barbados

I had a quick stop in Barbados for one night en route to the Caribbean for four nights. The power stop in Barbados was exercised with precision.

Barbados people are very friendly and welcoming sorts. They are one of the wealthier Caribbean countries thanks to an international airport that caters for planeloads of mainly British and Canadian tourists coming in off direct daily flights. The key to tourism attraction in my view, large planes capable of flying direct daily to your destination. Most Caribbean destinations suffer from not having this advantage. After an 8 or 9 hour flight it is the 2-3 hour wait for your next poorly air conditioned 45 minute flight in worse airport facilities that kills particularly the older tourist. It can bring even a big strong older man to near tears. I've witnessed a couple of examples travelling with me. Men who barely made it! Meltdowns in airports from children are commonplace.



The infrastructure of the Island is pretty good but even basic accommodation is severely over-priced and the facilities at most hotels poor however there are several key features of Barbados, Sandy Lane Resort, its Boardwalk and beaches. Well and its weather.

I have travelled enough in the Caribbean to know that Barbados isn't all that, unless you have an aversion to small planes, getting away from it all and supremely fresh quality food, I would say Barbados is not the best place to be. I would rather go to Thailand and visit Koh Samui. And in the Caribbean Anguilla is better value for your large dollar.

The highlight really was seeing this KFC



Connoisseurs of fast food will appreciate the uniqueness of this shop. It pre-dates the re-brand to KFC. Or does it post-date the re-brand back from KFC? Wiki confuses the issue slightly.

And highlight #2 was a Survivor style bar next to it



To give you an idea about the wealth here created by tourism, this lady is a trained pharmacist. She chucked that in to have her own small beach bar and earns more money from that. To her credit she can work a blender like no bartender I have consumed from, awesome daiquiris.





Joan's drinks aside, I say the only reason I will be going back to Barbados is to leave it again to fly to the smaller Caribbean islands.

Wendyl and Matilda wanted out as well