Things Granny Told Jacinda

Today's guest columnist in the Slowly Sinking Tabloid's Hone section is Jacinda Ardern where she writes a letter in - Things I Should Tell My Granny

Jacinda's Granny has been given the right of reply on this blog.

Dear Jacinda

George, you remember him? The nice guy down the road who used to own the Four Square before the Chinese bought it at a mortgagee sale and turned it into a $2 shop? Well George dropped the paper off and highlighted your letter. Imagine my surprise young lady at our private correspondence being shared in such a public fashion? No wonder Margery at the Bridge Club couldn't look me in the eye this afternoon.

It is however so nice to finally hear from you but I sense condescension that I haven’t heard since your Morrinsville College days when I told you that you should be wearing skirts because you have such a lovely figure. I know you are awfully busy and under stress in your new hometown of Auckland, or are you still looking after the greater Waikato in Tauranga or Rotorua "Backing the Bay" as well for your bosses? I cannot keep up. As you would have heard on the family gossip line because you have the taxpayer helping you out, I have not only used part of your inheritance to buy a computer I have also signed up to one of those nice plans where I can surf the internet all day watching what you are up to down in Wellington in addition to the Sky TV I installed last year. Can’t say I am much impressed really, the darn thing keeps freezing up when your Boss speaks. A nice man from Nigeria keeps asking me about an investment, don't really know what to do so I sent it to your Finance Spokesperson Mr Cunliffe who seems so knowledgeable about spending other people's money I am sure he will help. Winston seems to know him well as they are neighbours.

While we are on the topic of television, that lovely Simon is taking you to town on Breakfast. It hasn’t been the same since Paul left but for heaven’s sake Dear, stop agreeing with everything everyone says. You need to be more assertive and have some ideas of your own. I know your parents spent a fortune on your schooling but you need to stop saying how privileged you are.

So how are you getting on with prospective suitors? My heart did flutter for a moment when I saw you in the social pages standing next to that gorgeous Richie McCaw but I did think suitable that young man you work with, Darren wasn’t it? He is so fabulous and I was so looking forward to you matching up with him, I am confused though what did happen there? I do think the next best option is that young Chris Hipkins. I have attached that nice picture of the two of you here in the email, Betty taught me after Bridge last week. You remember Betty? She's the one so smug about the South Canterbury Finance bailout. That's right, so now she's looking around to invest in something else "too big to fail".

Chris seems to to look at you with the attention you need, not the desperation those old men do when I see them on parliamentary TV. I think apart from the financial concerns these days women like yourself are delaying babies and marriage because your previous Boss has emasculated men so much that they are indeed turning into women. The modern day New Zealand man would not have captured my attention, he is too much of a sook.

Your comments are of course duly noted, however I see that the young people today expect everything. They expect a University education, something that I was told I could never have because like most people in my class I was not smart enough. So only the smartest students went on to University. The modern student also expects interest free loans while they are there? This is ridiculous. The students I see on the television have so much time to protest and complain Dear they can’t possibly be studying. When they finish University they expect to be paid as much as you do only in the private sector and then demand low interest mortgages. I remember double-digit mortgages Jacinda. I remember taking years to save for a deposit. I remember prices increasing so rapidly that I couldn’t keep up. I also remember when taxes were so high that we kept less than we gave to the government. We did this because we then knew bright young bucks like yourselves would also pay high taxes to support us to our deaths. It was all part of what you call the social contract.

The problem with your generation is that they want everything for free, and to not ever have to pay later. Every one of your friends have over-leveraged homes that they are selling to each other, they have hire purchase and repayments to make on these flash gadgets like i-phones. I mean what on earth can that thing actually do that you cannot achieve by picking up a phone by the wall and talking into it? And good heavens they cost a fortune. Perhaps you can flick me your old one when the taxpayer gets you a brand new one?

I have seen your salary and wonder quite why you are worried about home ownership like people your age cannot afford it? I could afford a home because it was modest and it was paid for with my own sweat equity. You too can afford a home Dear so please stop pretending you cannot.

When students these days do not even pay for their education how on earth can they expect any money left for their retirement? I struggle by Jacinda with my savings and Super, and have had to cut back my donations to Winston so now he’s only getting $100 a week from me on autopay. If New Zealand is to have a future it too needs to cut back its spending and start earning more income. If it cannot produce more income from assets it owns, then surely it is like a badly run family business and would be better not to sell those assets and perhaps buy some more or pay back the massive debts run from years of over-spending by your Party? I don't think you are in the right Party to take a brave look at these problems, perhaps I can have a chat to Winston about a deputy Leadership role for you?

Sadly you cannot use the wagon this year Dear, a nice man from Winston’s Party came and borrowed it. I decided that because you earn so much money and can afford your own wagon, I thought that we should assist those poorer than us this time. I trust you agree with my philosophy. As for the loud hailer I pawned it to a nice guy called Mr Minto who said he knew you.

Well I must go as I have plenty of black and white balloons to blow up for the conference. I am looking forward to your meetings with Nikki Kaye. You could learn a lot from her Dear, she is so positive and happy, always smiling so if you get angry you are going to look and sound just like your old Boss. Bitter. So keep smiling Dear like that lovely Nikki Kaye as it shows off your best assets.

Love

G-ma