CK Christmas Message - Parents Leave Those Kids Alone!!
The NZ school year ends in December. Most of the rest of the world keeps chugging on however with a split year. I feel the need for a timely reminder about tagging your child for greatness before they've really achieved a single thing.
The pushy parent is a horrible beast. I've observed thousands through gritted teeth. Some of the worst are in HK. You know the sort "well my xxxxx is sitting exams to get into xxxx, he's very good at maths you know", "well my xxxx will be an All Black", "well I have to move my xxxx because you know the class he's in at the moment just isn't extending him academically". Oh vomit. It happens in Auckland I know, as even the provinces.
Nowadays it seems the more cut backs parents have had to make to their own materialistic lifestyles, the more it seems parents have transferred that energy to bragging how smart or gifted their children are.
Just STOP!!
The worst aspect of parental boasting is that the child starts to actually believe the hype. This is the danger. Because there's a reason for the word "average". Most children are average. They will always be average. They will all lead average reasonable happy lives. If you live in a "nice" part of town then you will only be surrounded by above-average sorts, therefore you may suffer from thoughts that your child is below average. They won't be.
A well-adjusted intelligent child knows they are good. They don't have to be told or overhear it at dinner parties. They know how smart children are whom they are competing against Nationally or even Internationally. Leave them the hell alone. I recall my mother being excited at the prospect of myself entering the Australian Maths Competition. Despite being an A student right through school in maths and then statistics and calculus there's no way I was going to win the competition. I told her so to dampen these silly expectations of mathematical greatness. I think I was thirteen at the time, it was my initiation in managing silly parental expectations.
A child has enough to worry about without an adult telling them they can do better than they are potentially able to do. Examples that I've seen;
- parents bragging their 9 yo child will be a future All Black and talent scouts have already shown an interest.
That child is a member of the HK Football club and would be run over and around by any random barefoot child in a village in Apia. Including the girls. I've seen the child play rugby, and the others at the HKFC. There are no talent scouts.
- parents who make a 3 yo study 7 days a week with only 20 minutes a night of TV.
The child is 3. Enough said. Bordering on child abuse.
- parents with a child who is 15 yo and 6 foot tall. Parents are bragging the NBA scouts are already after him.
The parents are in Hong Kong. The supposed talent scouts were feeder scouts to Chinese basketball. The child isn't even in the top team in HK for his age. He's tall but can't shoot to save himself.
- parents who got excited with a child who at 17yo got some A grades.
The child wishes to study a BA in History, the parents made the child apply to Med School. The child won't get into Med School.
Situations like this are not uncommon to the middle and upper classes and incomed and I know when in the parenting zone its perfectly normal aspirational behaviour to be encouraged wrapped in positivity. To those of us outside that zone, its just plain weird.
If your child is below average or has a genuine learning disability I can see the need to motivate and assist that child from a low base. Those children may need special schools or closer tuition. Put them to one side.
But if your child is average there's no need for excuses. Diagnosing your own child among your social set with dyslexia, bipolar, ADHD or even autism just looks sad. The child may just not be academic. Just say it, loudly They may be very good at something else. Or not. They may be a teenage boy, in which case many suffer from abject laziness. Eventually they grow out of it.
If your child is excelling then I have news that you will not want to hear - they will excel with or without you. Once they are doing well, your input won't matter in the slightest. To truly have earned their success they are better off being left to their own devices.
They have do it all themselves one day when they hit University anyway so just cut that string, stop bragging to your friends about their success and let them succeed or fail all on their own.
Most of the issue is with parents who don't want to let go of their children, who wish to live academically vicariously through their child's success.
It's just awful to watch.
The pushy parent is a horrible beast. I've observed thousands through gritted teeth. Some of the worst are in HK. You know the sort "well my xxxxx is sitting exams to get into xxxx, he's very good at maths you know", "well my xxxx will be an All Black", "well I have to move my xxxx because you know the class he's in at the moment just isn't extending him academically". Oh vomit. It happens in Auckland I know, as even the provinces.
Nowadays it seems the more cut backs parents have had to make to their own materialistic lifestyles, the more it seems parents have transferred that energy to bragging how smart or gifted their children are.
Just STOP!!
The worst aspect of parental boasting is that the child starts to actually believe the hype. This is the danger. Because there's a reason for the word "average". Most children are average. They will always be average. They will all lead average reasonable happy lives. If you live in a "nice" part of town then you will only be surrounded by above-average sorts, therefore you may suffer from thoughts that your child is below average. They won't be.
A well-adjusted intelligent child knows they are good. They don't have to be told or overhear it at dinner parties. They know how smart children are whom they are competing against Nationally or even Internationally. Leave them the hell alone. I recall my mother being excited at the prospect of myself entering the Australian Maths Competition. Despite being an A student right through school in maths and then statistics and calculus there's no way I was going to win the competition. I told her so to dampen these silly expectations of mathematical greatness. I think I was thirteen at the time, it was my initiation in managing silly parental expectations.
A child has enough to worry about without an adult telling them they can do better than they are potentially able to do. Examples that I've seen;
- parents bragging their 9 yo child will be a future All Black and talent scouts have already shown an interest.
That child is a member of the HK Football club and would be run over and around by any random barefoot child in a village in Apia. Including the girls. I've seen the child play rugby, and the others at the HKFC. There are no talent scouts.
- parents who make a 3 yo study 7 days a week with only 20 minutes a night of TV.
The child is 3. Enough said. Bordering on child abuse.
- parents with a child who is 15 yo and 6 foot tall. Parents are bragging the NBA scouts are already after him.
The parents are in Hong Kong. The supposed talent scouts were feeder scouts to Chinese basketball. The child isn't even in the top team in HK for his age. He's tall but can't shoot to save himself.
- parents who got excited with a child who at 17yo got some A grades.
The child wishes to study a BA in History, the parents made the child apply to Med School. The child won't get into Med School.
Situations like this are not uncommon to the middle and upper classes and incomed and I know when in the parenting zone its perfectly normal aspirational behaviour to be encouraged wrapped in positivity. To those of us outside that zone, its just plain weird.
If your child is below average or has a genuine learning disability I can see the need to motivate and assist that child from a low base. Those children may need special schools or closer tuition. Put them to one side.
But if your child is average there's no need for excuses. Diagnosing your own child among your social set with dyslexia, bipolar, ADHD or even autism just looks sad. The child may just not be academic. Just say it, loudly They may be very good at something else. Or not. They may be a teenage boy, in which case many suffer from abject laziness. Eventually they grow out of it.
If your child is excelling then I have news that you will not want to hear - they will excel with or without you. Once they are doing well, your input won't matter in the slightest. To truly have earned their success they are better off being left to their own devices.
They have do it all themselves one day when they hit University anyway so just cut that string, stop bragging to your friends about their success and let them succeed or fail all on their own.
Most of the issue is with parents who don't want to let go of their children, who wish to live academically vicariously through their child's success.
It's just awful to watch.
posted by Cactus Kate at 1:42 AM
20 Comments:
My kids will do and go where they want.
Not where I want.
If they want to follow me into the legal profession I will object and tell them not to be so bloody stupid.
Cactus, you and Helen Clarke should write a parenting book together.
Wow. That's a Blue Ribbon Rant even by your standards CK. But there is more than a nugget of truth in your polemic ramblings. The ones that make me heave are the "Parents of Gifted Children." 99 times out of a hundred this giftedness rating has been bestowed by the parents themselves rather than any psych testing or self-evident freakish mental powers. As in: "My Oliver is bored at school because he is gifted and keeps getting told off because he isn't challenged enough." No - It's more likely Oli is just a little shit who has never been told "no" by his doting parents.
How about a couple who have just had their first child. There is nothing more smug and vomit-inducing.
Well said Cactus - timely and very necessary advice!
Rob McGregor
Do you have any evidence which showed that when average children receiving help (either school program or external help from their parents), they won't become excellent? That's not what I have witnessed during my career as a teacher for over 30 years. Average children can be turned around to become excellent either with school or external help.
Hey Cactus, how about you start popping some kids of your own, then you can do what you preach to them, like leaving them alone. Why do you concern about what other parents do to their kids? Its none of your business.
God, thank you so much for this post CK. As the parent of a decidely average child, I despair of hearing that every other kid but mine is destined to win the Nobel Peace prize.
I have two kids , master 12 and miss 9. Miss is, without putting to fine a point on it, a ditz.
English, Arts, empathy and tree climbing, A+. But maths and science - no hope.
I have high hopes that she will be the first in our family to bungee jump and become a ski guide or professional mountaineer.
Wholeheartedly agree with your comments. I have no wish to drive my children in any particular direction in anything other than the pursuit of long life and happiness.
Children adorer
None of my business, right....when I see unhappy children pushed into unrealistic goals I will bloody call you on it.
When my taxes (and yes I still pay taxes) do not have to pay for other people's children then I will reserve comment about parenting and how many parents view children as their property rather than people. While I am forced to pay for other peoples kids, I will say what I bloody want.
@Cactus Kate, yes I guess no one can argue with your point that you pay taxes for other people's kids therefore have the right to comment about parenting - even though you have no children of your own.
Parents also have the right to laugh loudly at childless people who are "authorities" on parenting (and believe me we do).
Go for it. But we are laughing louder at what a shit job plenty of NZ parents do with their kids. Especially when they treat them as their own private property when it suits and then when they want others to pay for them try and argue threat a child is raised by a community.
Here is a thought for you. A parent is bashing their kid in the street and you are there to do something about it. Do you walk on by saying the child belongs to the parent and its none of my business or do you step up and stop it? And would you report to welfare authorities if a neighbours child was being abused by their parent?
You know because if you do not have children you aren't qualified to comment how parents are choosing to raise their children?
CK, your blog post can’t be generalized at all. I think your article targets and meant for the pushy parents who wish their kids could do medicine (& push them towards it) but their kids learning abilities to follow thru such goal are not up to it, no matter what teaching resources that are being thrown at them. As you say, that they're average and they will always be average. This is different to kids who are not up to it (initially) but they're being given resources & receive external help (i.e., outside school) and they start to excel, therefore, they move up to way above average.
Can you see the difference in the scenarios above?
I do coach primary school kids (year 5 level - 9 year old and year 6 level - 10 year olds) in maths @ 7th form or year 13 level, which I have just started @ the beginning of this year. When their parents first brought them to me, they were just average.
Now, we're @ the end of the school year (kids school holidays), they have massively improved their learning in maths by a million notches. WHY? Because 2 of them can now solve algebraic & calculus equations of year-13 (7th form) level (including certain University final year calculus problems such as Multiple and Double integrals), which is something that their peers (kids in same age group) will wait to learn about those topics in 8 years (year 13 level) or 11 years (final year university calculus level).
Their parents initially brought them to me so that I can help them with topics in their level (i.e., decimals, fractions, percentages, multiplication/division, addition, subtraction, etc,...). But then, I taught them those topics in just 2 weeks and they became proficient in them, so I thought that there was nothing more to show them. I asked the parents if it is Ok, that I experiment by introducing their kids to higher level math topics, which they thought I was going to teach them the year 6, year 7, year 8 stuffs, but I didn't. I went straight to year-11; year-12 & year-13 stuff and teach them those concepts. It was initially hard, but then once they got rolling, they can understand any advance topics, even the new ones that are being introduced to them.
So, their learning ability to grasp advance math concepts is faster & has a wider scope. This means that you can put them in a class of 7th formers (year 13) and they can understand what the teacher is teaching (even new topics in the curriculum) without having a need for babysitting. I noted that I don't babysit them anymore. I introduce some new topics (say, 3D vectors or complex numbers) and after 20 minutes of tutorial then I give them the end of the text book exercises (could be 20, 30 or more) to practice on. Here is my best student (9 year old boy) out of 4 primary school kids that I coach in the evening, doing calculus equations:
Polynomial Integrations
That kid above is sitting the Cambridge A-Level exams @ next year (November, 2011), in 4 papers, which 3 of them are pure maths and 1 is mechanics (this mechanics paper is the same curriculum level that is being taught @ year 1 engineering mechanics).
CK I'll split my posts into 3 parts as it is too big for one go. I tried to post it all in one go, but it seemed that it got rejected.
[Part 1]
CK, your blog post can’t be generalized at all. I think your article targets and meant for the pushy parents who wish their kids could do medicine (& push them towards it) but their kids learning abilities to follow thru such goal are not up to it, no matter what teaching resources that are being thrown at them. As you say, that they're average and they will always be average. This is different to kids who are not up to it (initially) but they're being given resources & receive external help (i.e., outside school) and they start to excel, therefore, they move up to way above average.
Can you see the difference in the scenarios above?
I do coach primary school kids (year 5 level - 9 year old and year 6 level - 10 year olds) in maths @ 7th form or year 13 level, which I have just started @ the beginning of this year. When their parents first brought them to me, they were just average.
Now, we're @ the end of the school year (kids school holidays), they have massively improved their learning in maths by a million notches. WHY? Because 2 of them can now solve algebraic & calculus equations of year-13 (7th form) level (including certain University final year calculus problems such as Multiple and Double integrals), which is something that their peers (kids in same age group) will wait to learn about those topics in 8 years (year 13 level) or 11 years (final year university calculus level).
[Continue on... Part 2]
Their parents initially brought them to me so that I can help them with topics in their level (i.e., decimals, fractions, percentages, multiplication/division, addition, subtraction, etc,...). But then, I taught them those topics in just 2 weeks and they became proficient in them, so I thought that there was nothing more to show them. I asked the parents if it is Ok, that I experiment by introducing their kids to higher level math topics, which they thought I was going to teach them the year 6, year 7, year 8 stuffs, but I didn't. I went straight to year-11; year-12 & year-13 stuff and teach them those concepts. It was initially hard, but then once they got rolling, they can understand any advance topics, even the new ones that are being introduced to them.
So, their learning ability to grasp advance math concepts is faster & has a wider scope. This means that you can put them in a class of 7th formers (year 13) and they can understand what the teacher is teaching (even new topics in the curriculum) without having a need for babysitting. I noted that I don't babysit them anymore. I introduce some new topics (say, 3D vectors or complex numbers) and after 20 minutes of tutorial then I give them the end of the text book exercises (could be 20, 30 or more) to practice on. Here is my best student (9 year old boy) out of 4 primary school kids that I coach in the evening, doing calculus equations:
Polynomial Integrations
That kid above is sitting the Cambridge A-Level exams @ next year (November, 2011), in 4 papers, which 3 of them are pure maths and 1 is mechanics (this mechanics paper is the same curriculum level that is being taught @ year 1 engineering mechanics).
[Continue on... Part 3]
So, the whole point of my post here is that average students can be lifted from that level to become gifted via external help. As the say goes, it is better to have something and don't need it, and then need it and don't have it. It's way better for kids to acquire such advanced knowledge and may be they will not need it & do something else different such as arts, then trying to get into something of limited choice such as choosing a career path, but then find out that the choice is not that many. Perhaps the only choice is to do a BA in Maori or Pacific studies, which you and I know it is useless.
Remember, that we're not born pre-wired to be intelligent. Our environment can affect those human learning attributes/traits. In other words, there is no such thing that a child is born that is known in advance that he/she will be intelligent. It is something that can be nurtured. So, I support parents that give the kids the choice. There are wishful thinking parents (as the target of your blog post) and there are parents whom their wishful thinking would become reality one day, and they're not the same thing aren't they.
I will try to steer my primary student kids to follow something in science, engineering or perhaps medicine and that's what I have been discussing with their parents. Is it a good thing? I betcha.
School Principal - You are right. The capacity to excel is within everyone. Uniquely, humans are not bound by their genes. It is ideas that make us special and everyone is capable of improvement and change by learning new ideas. What prevents people learning is very often attributable to the lingering effects of childhood coercion and in this CK is right. Coercion just produces unhappy children. So parents lay off!
Good post.
I walked past a child being what I felt was "excessively disciplined" by her dad(?) in Tauranga many years ago. I still regret that I didn't do anything. You never know what difference you will make until you try to make a difference.
100% agree.
I have 3 of them and don't think that qualifies me over you to have an 'opinion' on this.
6' at 15 might be tall in HK but not here.
know what you mean Cactus, I was so
dumb at school, my parents didn't care, and now look at the politic what I can write correct:
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