The Grumpy Travellers Revenge
I have not been writing much lately because I have been travelling. So stop the comments about lack of output. I have lived out of the suitcase since the last week of June.
I quite like travelling. So it hasn’t been a hard decision to leave the laptop in the carry-on bag and sleep on flights rather than produce anything. I just can’t be bothered.
This year, more than any I have been a grumpy traveller. Due to my efficiencies I can now navigate pretty well around Miami International Airport, Heathrow and JFK, along with LAX the four airport hells on earth. It’s a shame that others cannot and see the need to get in my way. Everywhere get in my way.
“Priority access” is given to AA travellers who pay extra to travel in First or Business class. “Priority” is not given out freely to obese families of six who part their 15 pieces of luggage in the way then demand “why she getting in ahead of us?”. There’s a reason “she” is getting in ahead of you and you should all know it. So move the fuck out of “she’s” way.
“She” also has an APEC card. The panache in airport travel around Asia. A little known fact of the APEC card is that it gets you up the diplomatic lane coming into the USA at hells on earth such as Miami and JFK. It’s not hard to get an APEC card, you just have to travel lots, pay a fee, wait and be organised. And that is where most travellers I find fall down - they have the organisational skills of a Kindergarten teacher.
“She” also can pack a carry-on bag to open it up and take out contents that are required in 2.2 seconds, including liquids bag, slip on shoes and the absence of belt buckles. “She” also takes off jewelry in advance that is known to set off machines. She doesn't wear a belt, carry offensive weapons, wear a baseball cap on backwards and have slang such as "Baby Phatz" on her jacket and carry a fake Puerto Rican dummy for adults. Seriously, adult sized dummies for these wiggers to suck.
Most of middle and lower America doesn’t understand these basic points of travel.
And when you are grumpy you have to choices with a blog:
a) Whaleoil style: where you write out your most intimate thoughts on the internet about matters that to others seem trivial as you appear to chase your tail getting more and more worked up.
b) my new style: silence in acceptance.
I am aware that, like the personal trials and problems of all bloggers, no one gives a shit about my travel problems.
There you are reading my blog in work time contemplating the thankless tasks of your day, the last thing you give a shit about is how I had a bad time in Miami International Airport getting to a destination infinitely more exotic than say Westmere on a Wednesday evening. I apologise for emailing friends that do not share the current attached wings that I have, with these stories. I realise you do not give a flying fuck and are possibly more worried about how to get home between public transport and rain puddles as to avoid the latest bout of flu.
I am also aware, unlike Mr Kiwiblog, that you probably don’t wish to see every bowel movement as I check in and go through an airport. Quite why this Facebook application exists called “Four Square” I have no idea but DPF has fallen quite horridly under its spell. Where Wednesday at 6.39pm we saw that David was boarding NZ39, Gate 3. It was probably more interesting than Wednesday at 4.12pm where at Gate 17 DPF was “Getting Scanned”. I get scanned a lot. It’s not something I wish to share. Is there a function for “Getting patted down”? Spud no doubt would have a smiley face for that.
What the fuck? I draw the line at Four Square. It's like Twitter. Too much.
I spent two weeks in Auckland getting very drunk. There’s no point blogging the details of such as, well, getting drunk is kind of uniform isn’t it? Preparation, execution and suffering the next day. What made my two weeks remarkable I guess is that I never once had a hangover. A friend reminded me if you keep drinking there's no such thing as a hangover.
I then spent two weeks (11 nights) not drinking. This time spent was equally as unrecordable. I am sure I will live longer for the break, well maybe I will, in any case it just seemed to go longer. Most of that two weeks I have carried with me traveller's bugs that I am sure you don't wish to read about. If I worried about it that much I would have popped an Imodium by now.
Doubters tell me that I must get sick of travelling. I have had many hours on planes to think about this and the answer is I don’t.
The alternative is sitting at a desk checking on the weather to Westmere.
On that note you shall next hear from me when I’ve stopped travelling long enough to find something else to write about. Here is the view from my hotel room currently.
On the right is a beach bar and I can hear the happy hour blender.
I quite like travelling. So it hasn’t been a hard decision to leave the laptop in the carry-on bag and sleep on flights rather than produce anything. I just can’t be bothered.
This year, more than any I have been a grumpy traveller. Due to my efficiencies I can now navigate pretty well around Miami International Airport, Heathrow and JFK, along with LAX the four airport hells on earth. It’s a shame that others cannot and see the need to get in my way. Everywhere get in my way.
“Priority access” is given to AA travellers who pay extra to travel in First or Business class. “Priority” is not given out freely to obese families of six who part their 15 pieces of luggage in the way then demand “why she getting in ahead of us?”. There’s a reason “she” is getting in ahead of you and you should all know it. So move the fuck out of “she’s” way.
“She” also has an APEC card. The panache in airport travel around Asia. A little known fact of the APEC card is that it gets you up the diplomatic lane coming into the USA at hells on earth such as Miami and JFK. It’s not hard to get an APEC card, you just have to travel lots, pay a fee, wait and be organised. And that is where most travellers I find fall down - they have the organisational skills of a Kindergarten teacher.
“She” also can pack a carry-on bag to open it up and take out contents that are required in 2.2 seconds, including liquids bag, slip on shoes and the absence of belt buckles. “She” also takes off jewelry in advance that is known to set off machines. She doesn't wear a belt, carry offensive weapons, wear a baseball cap on backwards and have slang such as "Baby Phatz" on her jacket and carry a fake Puerto Rican dummy for adults. Seriously, adult sized dummies for these wiggers to suck.
Most of middle and lower America doesn’t understand these basic points of travel.
And when you are grumpy you have to choices with a blog:
a) Whaleoil style: where you write out your most intimate thoughts on the internet about matters that to others seem trivial as you appear to chase your tail getting more and more worked up.
b) my new style: silence in acceptance.
I am aware that, like the personal trials and problems of all bloggers, no one gives a shit about my travel problems.
There you are reading my blog in work time contemplating the thankless tasks of your day, the last thing you give a shit about is how I had a bad time in Miami International Airport getting to a destination infinitely more exotic than say Westmere on a Wednesday evening. I apologise for emailing friends that do not share the current attached wings that I have, with these stories. I realise you do not give a flying fuck and are possibly more worried about how to get home between public transport and rain puddles as to avoid the latest bout of flu.
I am also aware, unlike Mr Kiwiblog, that you probably don’t wish to see every bowel movement as I check in and go through an airport. Quite why this Facebook application exists called “Four Square” I have no idea but DPF has fallen quite horridly under its spell. Where Wednesday at 6.39pm we saw that David was boarding NZ39, Gate 3. It was probably more interesting than Wednesday at 4.12pm where at Gate 17 DPF was “Getting Scanned”. I get scanned a lot. It’s not something I wish to share. Is there a function for “Getting patted down”? Spud no doubt would have a smiley face for that.
David Farrar Boarding NZ39
David just checked-in @ Gate 3
What the fuck? I draw the line at Four Square. It's like Twitter. Too much.
I spent two weeks in Auckland getting very drunk. There’s no point blogging the details of such as, well, getting drunk is kind of uniform isn’t it? Preparation, execution and suffering the next day. What made my two weeks remarkable I guess is that I never once had a hangover. A friend reminded me if you keep drinking there's no such thing as a hangover.
I then spent two weeks (11 nights) not drinking. This time spent was equally as unrecordable. I am sure I will live longer for the break, well maybe I will, in any case it just seemed to go longer. Most of that two weeks I have carried with me traveller's bugs that I am sure you don't wish to read about. If I worried about it that much I would have popped an Imodium by now.
Doubters tell me that I must get sick of travelling. I have had many hours on planes to think about this and the answer is I don’t.
The alternative is sitting at a desk checking on the weather to Westmere.
On that note you shall next hear from me when I’ve stopped travelling long enough to find something else to write about. Here is the view from my hotel room currently.
On the right is a beach bar and I can hear the happy hour blender.
posted by Cactus Kate at 6:55 AM
20 Comments:
So stop the comments about lack of output.
Ah, the perils of being popular. Blog readers saying "entertain and inform me for free on a daily basis with personal info and original well-thought out content." That's what MSM websites are for, aren't they?
I'm concerned about the lack of putting out.
I'm not sure when but at some point in the last decade I finally grew up and went from finding non-drinkers tedious to finding practially all drinkers completely f***ing boring.
I think maybe it's because they are all so predictable and same-same; they keep trying to convince themselves that they are witty and special and in control, but like smokers and the morbidly obese, the substance is the one doing the controlling. Listen to her: "I can hear the blender calling." So weak.
it could be worse....Gilda K could be in the plane sitting next to you. Now that would be funny.
3 of 4 airport hells in US and all in the free west. That's embarrassing.
From one traveler to another:
Touché
Pity my next destination doesn't look at all like the one in your picture.... apart from the water, endless bloody water.
Ramona
No, weak would have been a blow by blow account including facebook photos about my afternoon drinking at the particular bar. Which was my point.
Non-drinkers can be just as fucking boring, but fortunately they don't seem to have laborious amounts of facebook shots of them sitting at a bar not drinking judging those who do...
Gee whizz little Ramona, how about you stay in your safety-cot and leave intelligent conversation to the grown ups?
LGM
"organisation of a kindergarten teacher" - have you ever tried to organise 10 3/4 year olds at once. These women do it a deserve medals. Trevor.
That's the point. They never achieve organisation.
God I have to agree regarding casual travellers. These people must know they are approaching security, so why do they leave it until they are right at the x-ray conveyor to begin removing all of their secreted crap from various pockets and other places. What should have been a comfortable 2 hours in the lounge at LAX a month ago turned into 15 minutes because it took that long to clear customs (which actually was pretty quick by usual standards) and clear security.
Admittedly there were a number of Air Canada flights due to leave as well, but what slowed it down so much was the phaffing about at the x-ray machines.
There's a place more exotic than Westmere on a Wednesday?
chris
at $200AUD that is a steal, well done Cactus. Ignore all those petty comments from others not used to koru or qantas club
Sounds like you might just be up for a work-free holiday. A bit of R&R is always a good thing. Especially when intersperced with some choice high adventure.
Ha ha... reading this blog post is like watching George Clonney in the movie "Up in the Air".
Now... who's CK's Alex Goran...
CK, long time reader, first time poster....
As someone who lives in Asia, shares a similar lifestyle and travels the region constantly, I particularly enjoy reading your experiences and your advice. Its comforting knowing I'm not alone in my thoughts. Its also v funny.
I say keep up the good work.
Cheers, Will
The Ryan Bingham thing will always have appeal as does the thought of you with travel problems. That view, not to mention the cocktails, must surely make it all worthwhile. Please don't stop.
Foursquare scares me.
"The Grumpy Travellers Revenge"
no.
What Im looking forward to is the forthcoming "Grumpy Winston's Revenge"
Imagine how pissed he still is at National's lies that ousted him. And Hooten calling him a cunt on camera. Priceless. Revenge will be sweet.
This opposition is so boring. We need someone with a pitchfork and the desire to shove it up keys arse.
David
God,
I flew over 80K air miles last year with one US carrier alone (not to mention the other hops and/or trips on other airlines)... your depiction of the "obese family of 6 with 15 bags" is so on point.
I, too; have slip-on shoes, liquids in a ziplock bag, all my jewelry is real (so no problems there), no belt buckles etc and NO trying to sneak scissors/nailfiles etc through in my bag. But your "average" traveller ... AARRRGH.
I do love the "Gold" line at security too. Actually, considering our level or organisation/preparation, I dare anyone to tell us we don't "earn" it!
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home