Well Done Bryan and Bernard

Big clap to you for exposing further the practices of the Crafar Farms Operation.

It's quite clear now that having this bunch of dumb-arse blokes in charge of a $200 million business is a joke. Businessmen and women who cannot get much smaller loans from banks presently must be scratching their heads in frustration.

But a word to the wise - don't make a trip to rural NZ for a while!!

Weather Warnings

From the city of a million heat/thunder/rainstorm/earthquake/typhoon warnings (and a few days off work because of it), I ask ya -

Did you enjoy the ONE piece of inconvenience suffered in living memory with a tsunami warning that did not happen?

Our thoughts are with our Samoan friends and hope (not I will not use the word pray) that the nation is back to normal soon. Fortunately our office is well inland for this reason.

In other matters - I've waited a week now for blood test results to be returned from my GP. Shall I call the South China Morning Post?

McCann's Powering Everywhere Except New Zealand

Right, let me introduce you to for some of you a new product.

McCann's Steel Cut Irish Oatmeal

As it involves using heat applied to a surface in order to make it work, some people term that "cooking", I've never actually tried it but a certain Minister of the Crown who shall remain nameless has obsessional desires for this fuel that to him seems to be like crack to a druggie. The fuel is not available in New Zealand.

So all around the world he gets his buddy's to bring him packets of it when they visit. Some as far away as Los Angeles.

In Hong Kong it is found in two supermarkets. Limited shelf space means bugger all of it comes in and when it does I have to compete with every expat housewife who has all day to not do a hell of a lot. I have to stockpile the oats at home for my trips back to New Zealand where I lug cartons of the stuff back through the customs declaration line and I have to declare it and suffer the indignity of a customs officer opening my bag and finding sometimes up to 20 packets of the stuff. I've been twice asked about it and dutifully lied that it is for my Mother. No one is going to question the power of the visiting daughter with a present for Mumsie.

The certain Minister of the Crown knows full well I have 10 kgs greater baggage allowance than most travellers so I am a dead sitter to bring it back in the packetful. And that I do not believe in carry-on only luggage as I am a chick and to me packing like that is impossible, so he's not holding me up waiting for the oat bag anymore than any other bag I bring with me. Trust me though to be friends with the only Minister who won't pick up his friends in Crown Cars. I have to get the friendly Corporate Cab driver to load the stuff into the boot.

I had a steady supply line based on sweet-talking the shelf stockers that I am more deserving of the oats as like they do, I actually go to work. So the expat housewives miss out. I fear that someone has a large mouth and wind has been caught in Olivers and CitySuper of my rort going to secure supply lines so a more first-come-first serve approach has recently been adopted. The new plastic bag policy in Hong Kong has also made buying it without my own bag a loud and unpleasant experience when I turn up to the supermarket and am asked three times if I want a plastic bag.

Do you really need the plastic bag? You know the plastic bag costs 50 cents? I mean supermarket shopping now is almost a no-no for me. Can't be bothered.

So I put out this plea to importers in New Zealand before I cannot stockpile any quantity left of the line due to this new distribution technique by the retailer. It sells in Hong Kong for around $NZ10 a 454 gram packet, so there MUST be some dollars in it. The Cabinet Manuel I assume means the Minister cannot make this plea for fear of it exercising influence over a market, so I will:

FOR GOD'S SAKE (AND MINE) GET THIS STUFF ON YOUR SHELVES!!!!!

You already have a celebrity endorsement to be the local poster-child for the product.

Max Key - Polo King of the World

I took another look at John Key's little chap Max the other day as father was ringing the stock exchange bell and something looked familiar.

Then I did a little bit of investigative journalism, colloquially known as Google, and came up with these shots of Max, heir to the family fortune, Pizza Hut card and keys to the kingdom.

Election night Max

Max in Parliament

Max in China

Max at NYSE

Perhaps designer big sister Stephie needs to take control of what Mad Max wears from now on.

The poor boy is looking like David Farrar picked his clothes.

How else is he going to have a chance with the very slicked up Sasha or Malia Ann?

Obamani

The Leakiest Home of All?

Here is a frightening thought. Princes Wharf suffers leaky building.

Here is a far more frightening thought. Prince Wharf does not actually suffer leaky building and now already near impossible to sell units are now just impossible to move.

Including the Developers penthouse that he's been trying to sell since some three girlfriend/wives ago.

I was one of the more original tenants down at the Wharf. I lived in two apartments at varying times in Shed 22 and then again I frequently stay at the Hilton Apartments when I am back in New Zealand. Especially in summer as it's nice down there in summer and very central to the magic triangle of Soul v Kermadec v Euro.

From day one I thought the apartments down there were exceptionally good.....to rent. Owning them didn't seem to be much sense. The numbers didn't add up for an "investor". I've been offered plenty to purchase, apparently I fit the required demographic. Well, apart from the fact I'm not a complete idiot.

The first apartment I lived in was situated directly over the crease in the carpark such that whenever any car drove over it there would be a loud ker-clunk. My protests went ignored until I wrote a very sarcy letter to David Henderson, accusing the building of being utter shite. Funnily enough I got an equally unequivocal letter back but within two weeks the problem was fixed.

The complex is 10 years old now. The leases are for 50 or 99 years.

On more recent trips I noticed that when the cruise ships berth (which they do almost every morning to block out your seaview) they invariably bump the wharf as well. These are not small cruise ships.

But while I don't consider buying one a quick way to capital-gains heaven, I've never noticed anything down there that can be classed as "leaky building".

Which of course doesn't mean that there isn't leaky building syndrome, but it also could mean that the Wharf is being incorrectly categorised in the sensationalistic "leaky building" syndrome when all that is required is general maintenance on a building now a decade old that has to withstand some of the harshest conditions in Auckland, wind, rain and bumps from cruise ships.

But the architect Colin Leuschke has a "leaky building history", so why not make a story out of it?

And if there is anything wrong, chuck it on the Ratepayers ever increasing bill for repairs.

And I'd Like My Own Private Jet....And a Night with George Clooney

Gush...gush...NZ's fashion fony's fall for Pam's charms

"I told him he would love to dive and surf over here. I could really see us being happy spending holidays in New Zealand.

"Buying a place is something I gotta do. Imagine being able to fly here for my holidays with the kids."

Clearly New Zealand's media haven't read reports from around the world claiming Anderson is millions in clink by way of a previous property to creditors and Uncle Sam.

Nothing wrong with having her at Fashion Week, but as the main attraction/exhibit? Joking. Many New Zealand designers have been completely upstaged by her one-woman bargain basement show. She's not a New Zealander, adds nothing to New Zealand fashion per se and will get up, leave and never return.

She can't afford a house on Waiheke!

Anderson isn't in New Zealand for the scenery, the lovely men, to purchase real estate or for a pleasant holiday. She's in New Zealand the same reason most of us do our jobs - to pay the rent and our debts.

So what's next Stewart's?

I know, the return of Macho Man Randy Savage.

Surely like all 80's TV stars he's short of a buck as well by now.

Random Pertinent Question

I have just scoped pictures from the Herald on Sunday and Sunday Star Times of Fashion Week. Can't print the pictures here I am referring to but:

How can New Zealand men get away with dressing so piss poorly when the women have gone to such obvious effort to look nice?

Witness Sunday Star Times, Zambesi pg39 a newly sober, serous and profesional Noelle McCarthy with long time sober Marcus Lush.

McCarthy looks like she's spent 5 hours getting ready and made 100% effort to look fabulous.
Lush is wearing a grubby looking Puma sweatshirt with a collared polo shirt underneath.

LBD night there is Angela Blomfield (Rachel from Shorters) looking her normal fabulous self. Next to her is an "Ido Drent". Wearing a t-shirt, jeans and a nylon jacket. Trash.

Judging by the pictures, all the well dressed men at Fashion Week were the All Blacks on night one, or the gay boys.

I don't know why women would let their blokes out of the house wearing some of the garb that was exhibited pictures. It's part of standards I guess.

If you have gone to the time, expense and drama that is getting dressed up, then surely the bloke can go to a bit more effort than slapping on a cheap looking pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

Introducing them to suiting could be a good start. As would the colour black. You can do a lot with black.....

Mincing Poofs - Every Straight Woman's Accessory

I've been thinking about this Richie Rich (yeah right....) and Pamela Anderson duo for a minute and I figure that the fashion accessory of the year 2009 for every straight woman is not a sheet thrown over a naked body, but it has got to be your very own mincing poof.



So I've had a hunt around for who I could hire in Hong Kong as my mincing poof to accompany me to the openings of envelopes, organise my laundry, book my airline tickets, arrange private cars, hotels and directions.

I've shortlisted five such candidates.

1. Gok Wan

Best suited to the Chinese surrounds. Snappy dresser, could hire him out for functions, weddings, funerals and dressing tai tais. Temperamental. Always would be giving advice, which could get on your wick after a while.




2. Chris Carter

Useless in Parliament presently and if I took him, would be one MP away from getting Tizard back in as she could stand in Te Atatu. Downside is that he really could have an ethnic affair while away overseas and therefore would not keep mind on job. More used to sitting in the back seat of cars than booking them for me. Probably worst case scenario, I could hire him out to teach English at a local school.




3. Ricardo Simich

Eternally youthful, doesn't get up before lunchtime which suits my policy of never making important decisions before then anyway, but has staying power beyond any office worker, can get you the entire front row if you wish, and tickets to anything (in New Zealand), capable at times of looking completely and utterly heterosexual and ....... well doesn't seem to actually do a lot so will not make you giddy with activity. Largest issue would be wrestling him from his mother for overseas travel commitments. They look very close so you may have to hire her too.




4. Colin Mathura-Jeffree

Well just look at him. Part-Indian, could be mistaken in Hong Kong for an exotic being and whisked away to Bollywood from my grasp. At 6 foot he's a bit tall for Hong Kong but would be good carrying shopping bags over the heads of the midgets. Pulls off heterosexual look surprisingly well but has size 10 feet which would make buying him clothes for work in Hong Kong rather difficult.





5. Lloyd Lee from Entourage

Has an MBA from Stanford. Puts up with endless abuse, organises every detail of the Bosses life, loyal, catches other gossip for you and doesn't put out too much of his own, can type, answer phones, run in a suit and go buy things. The clear winner.

Pork Chop Live Tweeting From Fashion Week

Pork Chop (aka Rachel Glucina) is doing a fabulous turn at Fashion Week, her outfits have been sensational. She's been more of a star than Pammie Anderson.

Australian based blog Master Mouse Patrol has launched this picture of PC under the heading "Dawn French" looking outrageous in an utterly indescribable ensemble that has kept the fashionistas guessing all week.



PC is seen here clearly twittering to her account PorkChopGossip

I can only conclude that PC is parodying the event, which deserves some derision for the sheer silliness of it. She's doing a marvellous job. She is having a little laugh at the expense of all the thin, stupid people who take the week seriously.

Check out the shoes she wore snapped on Front Row Diary.



Stupendous. Iconic. Style genius. School children all over New Zealand will now be twinking out their shoes with their toes. Suspensions and expulsions will result. PC is leading the Rebel Yell!

I know I have been critical of her in the past but this week she has deserved every cent of her pay, coming out to support New Zealand fashion labels like we've never seen from one individual in the history of Fashion Week.

By wearing clothes made overseas.

Good News Bad News Bradford

Sue Bradford's spat the green dummy after losing the "leadership" battle for the Greens.

That's the good news. Good riddance. I have nothing nice to say about Sue Braford, unlike David Farrar who no doubt will gush merrily about how fabulous she was.

The bad news apart from the taxpayer having to pick up her perks and pension for life is that her replacement is:

Aucklander Dave Clendon, a sustainable business advisor, who is of Ngapuhi, Te Roroa and Pakeha heritage.

Clearly a self-labelling PC tree-hugging nutter.

Update: Kiwiblog doesn't disappoint.

Kiwis In Hong Kong

Following on from my first post Zespri From The End Up, this is what ENZA are doing in Hong Kong with their varieties at the recent ASIA FRUIT LOGISTICA, Asia's leading trade show for international fruities.

Anonymous comment at 2.24pm asked What is your point Kate? Well here is one of my points. New products and with it export innovation.

Simple Green kiwifruit are not cool enough anymore. They are boring, dull and as we found out in the last post, cheap. The Chinese and those in the Asian market love colour. They love "cute" things. While Zespri are busy pushing Green, Gold and Organic, have a look at these:

ENZA Pink, Red, Green and Gold held by the lovely local Turners and Growers girls.

The Pink was on show for the first time and is still undergoing breeding stabilisation. To New Zealanders they look hideous. But to the Chinese they look exotic, expensive and a luxury item. Which means ultimately they will pay more for them.

The Red variety is currently in production in China. This is one of the varieties that ENZA want New Zealand growers to produce.

So when you ask what Tony Gibbs is doing or will do for the industry, perhaps you have to ask what the hell Zespri have been doing by the way of product innovation to increase returns to growers?

Turners and Growers asked such questions today to growers.

Busted Blonde Gets Provincial

Clearly Busted Blonde has been out drinking again and is delusional from over-exposure to the fresh air of the provinces.

She is predicting based on provincial accountancy rumour that GST is about to go up to 15% from 12.5%.

You hear the darndest things when you are in the provinces. We are in a secret location in the Bay of Plenty. Anyway - the gossip running through the accountancy world is that an increase in GST is pending. - Up from 12.5 to 15 percent. We hear that some bean counters are warning businesses to get their systems ready for the increase which they think will happen pretty soon.

If this is the case then Bill English (and National) should be hung, drawn and quartered. There is no need to increase any taxes. Neither introduce new taxes for Labour to only tinker with in the future. Remember GST used to be 10%.

I would hope ACT and the Maori Party do not support such a silly move for differing reasons based on their own electorates.

This is a government that has done next to nothing yet to reign in government spending. New or increasing taxes should be seen as a last resort.

The Tax Taskforce should be recommending that taxes are lowered in order to make New Zealand more internationally competitive. This does not mean raising consumption or income taxes.

You don't give an alcoholic more beer and expect them to improve, nor a meth addict more "P". You definitely don't give a government more tax revenue.

Murder in Matamata

How exciting. Fortunately I did not need to check that the parents had not taken to each other when the headline came out, as they are on their first well-deserved overseas SKI (Spend Kids Inheritance) holiday at present. Another (in)famous woman in town sprung to mind as a possible victim for her sexual antics, yet nope.

And not from the part of Matamata we expect it to be - Waharoa! But a nice horsey family.

The man said he did not know Mrs Meads, but described Mr Meads as "the loveliest, quietest, most unassuming bloke you've ever met in your life".

Only he took to his wife with a gun. Lovely, quiet and unassuming indeed. A "good Kiwi bloke".

I don't quite understand why couples decide to murder each other. The simplest answer is to pack one's bags and leave. This man's now ruined his own life, taken his wife's and fucked up his children's.

Surely a simple separation followed by a divorce would have caused less pain. Murder seems a little extreme in the circumstances.

The murder seemed simple enough for the Police to solve which indicates that there was no concealment of the crime attempted. It was all a bit strange.

As are the horsey set to be honest. Never understood them. A few make money, but most are battling in amongst dairy farmers and the rest of the community for recognition most will never get. They appear as a group to be rather incestuous, into recreational substances to keep their weights down and massive rooters. The men speak with squeaky Kiwi accents.

Still it will have Matamata talking all week. Which is a positive when the usual talk revolves around Ronnies Cafe and who you met at The Warehouse & New World carpark in their Ug boots and polar fleeces.

Obamagushing A Disgrace

"You didn't bring me any bloody Vogel's"

"It was good to meet him twice, as it turned out today, and he's obviously very keen on New Zealand. He was speaking very eloquently but also effusively of New Zealand so that was great.

What did you expect him to say? The World's Greatest Bullshitter in living memory is hardly going to not be briefed about every nation at the event, including New Zealand.

Mr Obama had a friend living in New Zealand who had raved about the country praising its golf courses, skiing and lifestyle for families.

As usual all New Zealand gets a mention is as a great place to not actually work and to retire to after leaving as soon as you are old enough. Which sums up my attitude at present to the country.

Worse is to come when 88% of New Zealanders give him an approval rating. He's done more to pork the New Zealand economy in the short to medium future than nine years of Labour Government could achieve. He has yet to withdraw from Iraq or Afghanistan.

As predicted women over 60 are the most silly and have proved again they should not be allowed to vote:

Women in New Zealand and the over-60s give the highest ratings to Obama - 92 percent of them rate him favourably.

How? Why? What possible right would a New Zealand woman sitting at home with her Ug boots on in the middle of winter have to approve of Obama? Too much daytime Oprah I tell you.

John Key's office is all in a tither today about "John John" meeting Obama. They shouldn't be. Obama's no rolemodel for any sort of tax or economic reform that New Zealand actually needs to have others take it seriously and not as a nice place to go skiing or play golf.

Show your love with Vogels

John Key proved a winner for Vogel's with his spontaneous gift to the troughing former Prime Minister.



So in the true traditions of Key's impending Letterman performance, we have:

The Top 10 Gifts John Key Should Have Given The Former Prime Minister

10. A speeding motorcade
9. A copy of results of David Farrar's latest opinion polls
8. A tent
7. The afternoon with Kevin Taylor
6. A Yankees Cap
5. Letters from Judith
4. The bill for her appointment
3. A fake Hotere signed by Phil Goff
2. Tramping boot for Central Park
1. Peter

Chen's Days On Hill Mai Be Numbered?

Quite sensationally I thought, Mai Chen has been removed from the Securities Commission.



My understanding is that she was appointed 2003 for the statutory maximum period of five years, which stretched into 2009 on re-appointment but has now been terminated with the change in Government. Her academics I have previously posted are actually an asset for the Commission.

This news is more surprising as it comes on top of whispers from several leading sources I have heard on "The Hill" that Chen's influence is tanking within National to the point of persona-non-grata greasing and dribbling around the Wellington cocktail circuit demeaning her academic prowess with brown-nosing. Tories as we know only allow brown-nosing to come from other Tories.

Chen Palmer the law firm now seem to even have a surprisingly softer focus to charging:

"....wants to ensure that you don't receive any surprises from your monthly invoice. We have a weekly reporting system where you will be given a schedule of costs incurred to date on your instruction(s). We won't necessarily be billing all of the costs incurred. Some work carried out is on a fixed quote and we will invoice you accordingly. The final Fee will be discussed with you before it is set and sent".

Chen's charging schedule has in the past been the stuff of absolute legal legend.

Added to this, I understand that Sir Geoffrey takes back his name by contract shortly. So it will be what it has been since 2005 when Palmer left - Chen and Chen. Quite why a successful independent woman needs to continue trading with her late partner's surname is a mystery. Palmer had been dormant for many years.

Hopefully this will mean Chen will get back to her core services of legal advice rather than acting as some sort of glamour PR-show-bunny lobbyist. Clearly the two roles have become confused and her PR self-seeking antics are ruining her ability to focus on her academics of being a lawyer - which would have been the role at the Securities Commission.

I do not dislike Mai Chen and have to admire her get-up-an-go but she is borderline "out there" as far as even the most anti-establishment of the legal fraternity views her. Clearly she's not a dim-wit academically but her style churns the stomach of many. I would find working for or with her a terrible experience. Clearly by the end of day one, there would be a death and a murder charge. Even discounting for the usual arguments of envy, jealousy and "old boys network", disdain for how she has operated has united enemies!

So perhaps time to put the colourful cocktail suits in storage Mai and get out the black numbers and tone it the f**k down. Boring? Sure. But I think there's a time when you have to say you can do better than having to have a Ph.D in self promotion and demeaning yourself to brown nosing bureaucrats and backbench MP's in the hope of speaking to a Minister.

Winning cases for clients after putting in solid billable hours should be enough of an advertisement for your undoubted academic talents.

Update: News on the wire is now that there are two chances of Chen being re-appointed to the Asia New Zealand Foundation - a s*** show and no show.

Lewis v Crow

Lisa Lewis takes on Steve Crow

"I don't want to buy Lisa at that price", "She's not worth it".



Eiiikkk......while I can understand how offer, counter-offer and acceptance works in contractual negotiation, Steve Crow just blows himself a biggie with those 13 words at the very end of the Campbell Live interview.

For example you would not say when questioned why you did not hire someone for a bank teller job "I don't want to buy Robert at that price"....."he's not worth it".

Do you "buy" a person when you hire them? Ouch.....I can hear wails from the feminists right now. Even I had a wee cringe moment when he blurted that one out, after the warm-up where he explained buying a Mercedes and negotiating a price.

Lisa Lewis is an entrepreneur with her own online porn site. Good on her for the very men who are likely to call her "fat", "ugly" "slapper", "whore", are the very fat and/or ugly socially awkward men who line up to hire hookers in the first place for various reasons, mainly company on a cold winters night.

Lisa is rather eloquently spoken in this interview and understands as most hookers/erotic dancers do - free market economics and the laws of supply and demand. She even understands taxation and the cash economy. Impressive.

I understand her point. While it is one thing to be turned down after making a counteroffer it is another thing altogether to be "blacklisted" or banned.

$1,500 + $8.50 a topless picture for 4 days work around horny disgusting men? Yep, you'd be staying at home as well wouldn't you.

I have no moral issues with what Steve Crow does or how he makes money.
I have no moral issues with what Lisa Lewis does or how she makes money.

BUT...

Steve Crow comes across as a sleazy old man who appears to have trouble in the past paying his debts. Not paying debts and causing other people to struggle because of that because they relied on him paying, is more of a crime to me than how he makes the money. Before he talks about buying Lisa and Mercedes perhaps he should spare a thought to paying his trade creditors.

Lisa Lewis appears pleasantly bonkers but her approach is honest and natural. She has found something she wants to do and is good at, works very hard clearly on keeping her body in shape and has discipline related to keeping her body as it is. She does her own marketing, online work and advertising and promotion. She is also self-supporting and doesn't bludge. Least of all Lisa seems in print an eternally positive cheery person harming absolutely no one.

Crow could well do with some of Lewis' discipline as he has just proved his subconscious desire to treat women like he can buy and sell them.

"I don't want to buy Lisa at that price", "She's not worth it".

Them's words that may return to haunt him.

A Brash Proposal

Pork Chop is the Queen of getting it all wrong, but with the risk of being laughed at for quoting her as a reliable source:

Meanwhile, Don Brash told the Herald on Sunday he was hoping to rekindle his relationship with estranged wife, Je Lan.

"I am hoping to get back with her, but it's not proving easy," he said. "I hurt her very badly. But I've been working on getting back together with her for a while. Let's just say I'm cautiously optimistic."

You hurt her very badly? No shit Sherlock! And how is dragging her through the media AGAIN by talking/gossiping to Pork Chop and friends going to improve the situation? Seriously.

Je Lan showed how it is done:

Je Lan was more coy. In a text message she said: "I would prefer not to comment. Thank you for the opportunity."

I think Brash passed the point of no return dithering around in the first instance.

Getting back together with Je Lan would be a huge mistake. The woman will make his life a living hell. And rightly so because Brash behaved like a right dork.

Cheating is not wrong when a relationship is fundamentally poked and you are bored trying to manage or save it. Apologising for cheating and begging for forgiveness when you've left and it's all turned to custard with the replacement........pathetic.

Brash would have no testicles left once he's gone crawling back into the matrimonial home. Men only get one chance to leave the matrimonial home. If they return then they do so under her rules.

I put Brash's ignorance of the female form down to spending winter in a Viaduct apartment for this attack of the nows. Clearly its frozen his brain cells to the point of delusion.

Summer is coming Don and there will be a new line-up of silly 40+ year old divorced and with it financially desperate women wishing to accommodate and tolerate a perpetually dithering old fool in their life.

Hang in there old boy!!!

That's A Relief

Cheryl Cole will never pose nude.

The Fight For This Love singer thinks naked photo shoots are tacky, and can't understand why so many pop stars choose to strip off for magazines.

She said: "There's nothing tasteful about some fruit covering your bits! Sometimes a beautiful dress is much more sexy than underwear. Have some class."

Probably doesn't need to. Being not only married to one of the most overpaid footballers on the planet but also loaded in her own right.

Pretty easy to take the moral high ground over nude pics when you don't need the money or the publicity when you can just give yet another crap interview about your loser cheating husband Cashley and how great your marriage is.

So the male readers (and UnPC Lesbian) will just have to close their eyes and dream about what this would look like naked.



I'm not too moralistic about women posing nude for cash or fame. As long as they have the goods to look good on film.

When they have a rack and rear like Cheryl there's probably absolutely no harm in it and from a female perspective if one had those attributes we could be excused for spending a far greater time with our kit off. Even if those God awful tattoos would need a photoshopping.

I Heart Michael Owen

It's about time to hex Michael Owen's return to make him the best buy of the English League for Manchester United.

His goal vs City, was amazing. The finish for someone who is not getting regular game-time, superb. And the critical moment of the match - none more so.

You can't guarantee he's going to last the whole season but he's playing at United in a full squad - he does not necessarily have to.

The Land of the Bankrupt and The Brave

Some of my expat American clients have been receiving begging letters from Obama with the following message about Social Security. The expats, while continuing to pay taxes to Uncle Sam despite being non-resident, are not expected to contribute to Social Security. And who would when the fund has been managed like this.....

The notice states:

In 2017 we will be paying more in benefits than we collect in taxes.......Without changes by 2041 the Social Security Trust Fund will be exhausted and there will be enough money to pay only about 78 cents for each dollar of scheduled benefits.

I thought they put Bernie Madoff in jail for a Ponzi scheme!

Banks Will Now Fund Fonterra Capital Restructure

Farmers are now likely to fund Fonterra's restructuring after wide-spread rejection of an NZX listing.

We know what that effectively means. Something that was problematic in 1987 to New Zealanders - they will have to borrow more to buy shares.

The overseas banks will fund Fonterra's restructuring.

So what to do? Rather than criticise it, I have an idea to assist.

Fonterra's plans lack expanded vision based on smaller farm ownership structures. Rather than limit the ownership of shareholding to farmers in New Zealand they could and should widen the issue to beneficiaries of family or trading trusts owning these farms. There must be thousands of such beneficiaries out there with spare cash earned in others sectors of the workforce to plug some of the gap.

Then for example wider families with fixed or discretionary beneficiaries (cough, cough) overseas or in New Zealand working in profitable professions could invest say a couple of hundred thousand each in to the company on the basis of being tied into the ownership of these shares legally through their equitable interest in the farm. Those farmers in the gumboots will not turn to such children, relatives or beneficiaries not involved in farming as a group they are too proud to ask for such help, which is half their problem and why Fonterra is in this position in the first place. So why not issue shares to the beneficiary instead of a loan? The beneficiary of the trust is related to the farm with an equitable interest in Fonterra, they are not entirely unrelated parties which would be saleable to farmers as there is no control interest lost or overseas take-over attempts possible.

The voting rights could remain with the farm to which the beneficiary is tied to, yet the equity be issued in the name of the beneficiary related. While it will not raise all the money required, surely reaching into the pockets of the wider Fonterra community is preferable to putting individual farms further at the mercy of overseas owned banks with more debt stresses?

Another idea where there is corporate or collective ownership of farms is to extend the share issue to those who have a shareholding that already has an interest in the farms supplying to Fonterra so the shareholders could get their own shares in individual names. This would widen the control net, however extend the capture of new capital which has rural ties.

The PR is however now:

"There's absolutely no doubt 10 per cent of farmers have no chance of putting money into this thing and another 20-30 per cent are rubbing up against it fairly hard. But there are a whole lot of farmers who have good, strong balance sheets and that are really enthusiastic about seeing Fonterra successful, not just for themselves but for this country as well."

So the restructure will mean:

The 10% struggling are either new entrants to farming or one's who have over-extended.
The 20-30% are over-leveraged older farmers who need another bad season or two to be on the brink.

The remaining say 60-70% of farmers have strong balance sheets? Say what? I thought many of this lot were struggling as well?

Townies will read this and ask if that many farmers have strong balance sheets why then can they not pay their share of pending ETS carbon charges that the rest of New Zealand has to foot the bill for?

So once again farmers what is it? Crying poor, or enough equity when you feel like it?

Farmers will have to accept this proposal as there is no real choice as they declined the NZX listing before it was even proposed formally.

Whether the farmers have the capital themselves to step up and fund it is another story.

Update - Brainy Brent Wheeler has his own take on proceedings. Brent's not an easy read, you have to go slowly. But the basic premise in what he is stating is a

Cake Tin Fans Rock!

Not a Wellingtonian so I can say this as an independent observer.

Cake tin fans are THE BEST.

Watching the All Blacks smash the Wallabies tonight, there was not one ounce of negativity or lack of expectation of a win for the AB's in that stadium.

And a Prime Minister who doesn't hex the team.

The singing was loud, proud and awesome and it looked like the 7's all weekend, only with proper rugby played.

Plenty of my readers would have been there tonight - trust you all had a great time.

The All Blacks showed that they are not that far behind the pack with the World Cup in sight with their best team on the park. Good to see with a Donaldless backline that Nonu finally got some good ball to run on to set up by forwards who smashed everything.

Hopefully this commanding win will silence the silly sad dorks who wish to swap coaches mid-stream.

So yep - Cake tin fans rock.

I am (with a slight miracle in travel planning) aiming to be there for the NZ v Australia 20/20 match on February 26th 2010 or the 5th ODI on March 13th for my virgin visit to the "Tin". Excited.

Oh NO Jonah!

WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!

While it is great to see Jonah Lomu is fit and healthy after suffering from all the health issues he has in the past few years. And that he has taken on the incredible strict discipline (I don't consider it a sport) that is bodybuilding.

Just not digging the new look!!!

Dude - put some clothes back on.

CityMed in On Health Troughing

City Med

Adolf has more on this at No Minister

When I am back in New Zealand I have often looked for a medical practice in the city that is convenient and open at appropriate hours for visitors..

CityMed is not such a clinic:

CityMed is still only open Monday to Friday 8-5,30pm.

Of more interest to me is the warning notice for DML's services

Diagnostic Medical Laboratory

Monday - Friday 8:00am- 4.45pm

Please note - as the lab is very busy between 8.00am & 9:30am, to avoid queues we recommend you wait until after these times to have your tests, if possible.

So CityMed actually warns its patients to come outside 8-9,30am because the DML lab is busy?

But of course for a Labtests lab to issue such a warning or be "busy" and have patients expect to queue?

Front page Herald.....TVNZ "live-cross".

CityMed linked its success to DML's continuation of the DHB contract. When lost they actively campaigned amongst their clientele to complain to those listed above. One (circled) being Paul Ockleford.

ACT Left To Promote Nonsense

Lottery scholarships.



Education is a lottery in many ways, you have to be in to win and many children don't even keep the ticket when it is given to them. ACT through Heather Roy is promoting a scheme that makes it even more a lottery.

Students from "poor" backgrounds put their names into a hat and 150 are chosen (regardless of their intellect or motivation - what Principal is going to write saying a kid who is trouble-making crap shouldn't leave his or her school!) and given more money than they would have seen in their life to attend a private school.

Oh joy.

New Zealand's public education system isn't THAT bad that you need this ridiculous piss-take. New Zealand's education system is not ghettoised, regardless of sensationalism surrounding falling standards. I say that in all honesty as shock horror, I attended a public school that when I was in Form 3 was not a high decile school and don't think I would have had any better or worse education at a private school, or ended up anywhere other than where I am right now. I may have collected richer friends from nicer whiter homes for myself and my parents but that's about all.

Audrey Young thinks it is a bit of a nonsense and I agree with her.

The home of the student has to earn $65k or less and have a net wealth of $150k or less. Which makes the pool of applicants in a low income, highly geared, low net wealth country like New Zealand very wide indeed. They would have been better to lower both qualifying levels to the even poorer children if charity is the end game.

So instead of a high-achieving law, medicine or ....well "anything" scholar being used to promote the system. They chose Victor Vito, a big dimwit RUGBY player who is completing a Bachelor of Arts. Woopie. Who said he wouldn't have got to where he was without the scholarship. Perhaps there are no successes other than Vito out of the previous system. Perhaps they all dropped out or never made University? We don't know.

Vito didn't buy his Mum a house with proceeds from his almost completed BA and a job related to it (how many BA students can afford a house?), but with proceeds from his 7's career and Super 14 contract. He's therefore no educational rolemodel. When Victor makes the All Blacks he will forget all about University and an education and go chase a rugby ball around the field for a decade of his life before pissing off to Europe to cash in his rugby pension.

The scheme will be deemed a "success" as there will be massive oversubscription. When it is in fact a failure to start with because it is dumb. It's like throwing a rock in a landfill. Good parenting is far more important to children at the lower end of the spectrum of wealth and opportunity than a supposed good education.

Unless the objective is to run this scheme as a pilot to "voucher" systems that is........yes Trevor......I smell a rat as well.

Boy Wont Get Cervical Cancer

Baby boy given HPV shot



"She explained to us the reason why she had done it was because the two (vaccines) were next to each other and they were the same colour and she just picked up the wrong one," Mrs Topperwien said

Lucky Labtests weren't administering these either............. the Ginga would have called for a contract to be cancelled and Lorelei would have been in for the live-cross.

Health Commissioner should be receiving a complaint letter shortly then......perhaps 13 of them.

Fat Chicks Rule

Fat Men Don't



This is a quite ridiculous story of a man who has been refused bariatric (fatties) surgery on the large public health tit by the Capital and Coast DHB in Wellington because - he's a bloke. Whaleoil has clearly had to pick up the children and hasn't had time to write substantially about this so I will take over.

Far be it from me to actually agree taxpayers should be funding anything that is solely the fault of another person - eating too many pies, but if you are going to fund it you should fund every fat bastard eligible in the country. Otherwise it's just plain unfair and in this instance I imagine, illegal. And proven to be so in writing. It is very clear that the sole reason he is not getting publicly funded surgery is that he is a bloke.

I guess the natural argument apart from losing weight himself, is that being a fat bastard doesn't actually hinder your progress in either your financial or relationship status.

Being a fat chick does.

Fat chicks earn less for some strange reason and rich men even if they themselves are fatties, tend not to be attracted to fat women so the default option to riches that skinny women seem to have in bludging off a rich bloke, is not available to the fat chick. I doubt such sensible economic rationale was used when deciding that women meet criteria where men do not. Fiscal disadvantage.

Mr Blair is born in 1940 so that makes him 69 years old. At first glance I thought that there was an error between "male" and "old". But Dr Wickremesekera qualifies this with "we will consider him for the option in the future" so eliminates my age theory there. Perhaps Mr Blair is not fat enough? Nope, Dr Wicky says he otherwise qualifies.

So quite apart from in my view:

1. Fatties shouldn't get taxpayer funding to lose weight. Poverty is the best starvation technique of the lot.
2. Fat men tend to do better in society than fat women.
3. Publicly funding a 69 year old for any elective surgery is wasteful and he should be made to pay for it himself.

But over-riding in ALL of this is if you are going to have a ridiculous public funded operation that in my view is 100% elective surgery, you HAVE to allocate the resources fairly.

Imagine the outcry if that letter was for a Maori man and Dr Wicky wrote that he didn't qualify as Blair was a Maori? Or an Islander? Or a lesbian?

But he's a white bloke so it doesn't matter.

It does. Because it is just bloody wrong.

I can't find any information on websites in New Zealand that point to me that a person will be excluded from the surgery because of gender. There are many other criteria but Dr Wicky says he has met those.

Thank God that Labtests are not responsible for this letter. It would have made the front pages of the Herald for sure and TVNZ would have picked the story up with a live-cross after requesting to film a fat chick getting bariatric surgery. Bomber would have offered himself for an exclusive interview about his weight loss.

So Capital and Coast if you are going to fund old fat bastards then Mr Blair should get his operation. It is only fair. And you've stuffed up putting in writing that the only reason he isn't getting the operation is he is male. Have a check of the Bill of Rights and Human Rights Act and you will find that you've erred big time as I cannot find gender being a disqualification from this surgery on any medical grounds.

To put up with the shame of being publicly outed, Blair sounds like a good honest bastard and more than likely has paid his fair share of taxes funding other people in his life.

And if there is a Mrs Blair, I'm sure she will be more than grateful.

Global Warming The Least of Her Problems

My maid continues to be a source of amusement to me. Another example today.

I arrived home to find her in the living room. As I instruct her to be in the apartment when I am not because I don't want to see her clean, this behaviour was odd. The room was VERY hot. Stinking.

She told me that she had to quit because the apartment was too hot for her to work in.

Remembering the stinking conditions in Philippines I asked her why she can't cope if she has the air conditioning on.

Her response - oh I can't use that because of global warming and it costs too much.

I laughed and told her to leave it on all day if she had to I didn't care about either.

Strange looks followed and she decided not to quit. But on her way out showed me where she is storing the plastic bags so I can use them again to save the NZ 10 cent levy. Again I reminded her that my personal mission in life was to use as much of the earth's natural resources as humanly possible.

You would think that global warming was the least of her problems in life. Hunger, starvation, lack of a minimum wage, third world poverty back home and she focuses on using the bloody air conditioner and recycling plastic bags. She will have something to talk about on Sunday with her friends at church that's for sure.

Can't see much hope for humanitarian progress there!

Adolf Has Some Questions

All rather pertinent

But I like this comment the best, which is pertinent to every debate about health services and funding:

The point in simple: NZ's economy can no longer support free universal public heathcare at the level you might like. It just can't. This is a fact.

Make 'em pay I say. Too many hypochondriacs coming out of the wood-work during this debate and too many people believing that we should fund them to live forever, which inevitably one day life with advances (and extremely expensive healthcare) may just be close to possible .

People only appreciate healthcare and look after their own health when they have to pay for it.

Themselves.

Update - Adolf now has an email source verifying what I have heard regarding these stage managed complaints to the Health Commissioner from vested interests.

Ralston Addicted to Blogging

I warned Bill Ralston not to start blogging.

Unlike the second-hand smoke, we all get to benefit from this addiction as he now seems to have parked space over at his better half's blog BeSpoke Media Training so that's another one to add to your blogrolls if you haven't already.

Among Ralston's first blogs on the better half's page is one about corporate spin and our friendly DML v Labtests dispute:

Exceltium is a savvy PR company run by Matthew Hooten (sp) and it seems it has waged an extraordinarily effective campaign on behalf of their client Diagnostic Medlab Ltd (DML) against their competitor Labtests NZ Ltd.

Ralston then terminally offends Michelle Boag by going on to call Hooton the "PR Maestro of the Right".

And how about this for a picture. Key floating over Hooton's left shoulder. It should perhaps be the other way around.



Ralston is a wily fox who commenced his career in journalism in 1979 when I was three and so I guess the eternally youthful and bouncy Hooton wasn't much older. Sorry to bring that up, but there is a point to the stats.

This is precisely the advantage Hooton has in creating his vision. He doesn't have to deal with the grumpy, wily, life-experienced cynics such as the Ralston's of the world anymore. The kind of writers and journos that Hooton and myself and those of our generation (who actually read everything put in front of us and thought about it) were exposed to when we picked up the paper or watched the news in our youth. When they were all in their prime and kicking the snot anarchically out of everyone and everything and making noise, throwing chairs in hotels, rooting, drinking at lunchtimes, getting sacked and re-hired and generally having fun when they worked showing passion for what they were doing that is sadly lacking today.

All Hooton has to do is convince these young robotic children that work at TVNZ and TV3 and the more impressionable of the cranky Shakespeare Tavern patrons at the under-funded Herald that he is right and it is easier for them to sensationalise and print or produce what he wants them to and then Bob isn't just your Uncle, he's your bitch.

Those wily old geezers (women included) who can spot shit a mile off before it begins to smell have slowly disappeared out of New Zealand media, some into PR, others into oblivion, sadly some died from their excesses and we are left (odd exception granted) with impressionable children and "live cross" zombies who believe whatever the likes of Hooton spin their way without any original thought, or flair to boot. One of them (Bomber Bradbury) was even dumb enough to ruin their branding and signed up to the Hootonist Charm and fronted the campaign of nonsensical interviews with grumpy patients outside the Labtests clinics.

When you have to rely on Whaleoil and myself, utter bast-ions of right-wing blogging to warn you of the likes of our own "PR Maestro of the Right" and the mysterious brilliance of aura he is creating shooting up in a haze of Bomber, you have to worry that anyone is actually currently awake in the New Zealand media? Or are they still recovering from the bar-tab at the Qantas Awards? From 2004.

But Speaking of Wily Old Geezers

The event with Wily Old Geezer and legendary Herald columnist Fran O'Sullivan in Wellington for the Rural Womens Network is apparently now so sold out that they have had to change venue. Well Busted Blonde seemed to be very merry having spent the afternoon at Shed Five surrounded by hot men when she told me that so I shall have to confirm (done below)

Topic : An Accidental Empire: The Rise of Political Blogging and its Effect on Conventional Media.
Date: Tuesday 29th September
Time: 7.15am - 8.15 a.m.
Venue: Changed to D4, 143 Featherston Street, Wellington

RSVP: Please RSVP to Noeline Holt: noeline.holt@ruralwomen.org.nz

or

Tracy Galland: tracygalland@xtra.co.nz

My comments are that it is a bit bloody early for this sort of carry on but I guess you could stay up from the previous night to attend. A luncheon or after-work drinks is a far more convenient hour to be around other people.

Another comment is that it is free. Which is ridiculous. You will get pinkos attending because people don't appreciate things unless you charge them for it.

Surely a cover charge would still make the event a rip-roaring success. Fran O'Sullivan doesn't take much shit and is old school. The event could have even served as a fundraiser for the poor rural women who live in Wellington. Fonterra payout is down, so are land values.

Pass the hat around.

Cavalry Called In

Paul Waterson, Healthscope chief operating officer of pathology
Dr Michael Coglin, Healthscope’s chief medical officer
Dr John Andrew, Healthscope pathology’s medical director

Labtests have called in the corporate cavalry. Arthur Morris and his new side-kicks at Exceltium PR should be worried now. It means that he's awoken the corporate giant. None of these men will be happy about being sent to New Zealand in the middle of winter. New Zealand is not a glamour placement in any large corporate, unless you like flexi-time, skiing and outdoor pursuits.



Contrary to earlier reports it appears Mr Ulf Lindskog has not been swept aside, sacked or forced to resign. The NZ Herald is now reporting he's graciously stepped aside for the corporate clean-up team to pop down-under. He has not been sacked and has done what every good CEO should do, fall on their sword when asked and take one for the team.

The New Zealand operation is a pimple on the backside for both Sonic (DML) and Healthscope (Labtests) and despite what New Zealanders think is a large contract, in both companies it is almost an immaterial item in an audit. Both companies have large teams of very senior executives. It is not uncommon for large corporates to fly in teams of executives to problem-solve matters like this.

Labtests now can front foot it. Ulf was far too nice and focused on operational details to enter into the guerilla warfare that was the DML campaign. The way forward now should be:

1. Immediately call for an independent inquiry into the handover process from DML to Labtests to be commenced when the situation settles down and the transition is complete.

2. Dump all information with the independent inquiry pertaining to DML, related Doctors and Arthur Morris' conduct since the contract was awarded to Labtests.

3. Work with, but always have the underlying threat to sue the DHB for their lack of contractual control of their previous operator DML up to and after the hand-over process and contract frustration.

The only winner out of this process will be lawyers and probably Exceltium PR who can extract more fees out of the elongated action.

DML (and the Doctors supporting them) are playing a very dangerous long-game with the public sympathy card that even old tankers like Brian Rudman and John Roughan can see through even if their repeaters at the Herald cannot right through. If an independent inquiry is called, I can only imagine that there will be worse tactics than Rent-A-Bomber exposed prior to when Hooton was called upon to act.

For those who argue DML has a right to behave in this manner, it is pure and simple similar to an old employee waiting their notice period out before a new one arrives. They can sulk in a corner performing their remaining services all they wish but cannot sabotage the entrance for their replacement.

DML can stamp their feet all they like and play these games but the contract is lost. This has always been my point and I don't care about the arguments for or against the change in provider in a one-provider system. A court has ruled that the contract is lost.

That is, even if the DHB allege that Labtests has breached the contract, which is obviously poorly worded as the DHB have proven they could not run a piss-up in a brewery, Labtests will sue them (the contracting party) and with it throw behind all their corporate might.

Losers? Everyone funding the DHB ie. New Zealand taxpayers and Vote Health. Winners, Labtest and the lawyers who could walk out of New Zealand with a huge settlement cheque.

We mollycoddle medics as they alway hold the upper hand as we fear one day we will need them to save our lives but think of any other profession where you can keep being charged for having to go back because they didn't solve your problem the first time? And made to wait in a waiting room well past your appointment time? That sort of practice is even frowned upon in law.

Their sudden concern about waiting times to take blood tests, and timely reporting of results is utterly hypocritical. Roughan is quoted as stating:

Doctors' outrage at this is richly amusing. Their waiting rooms are well- named. No profession is more careless about the appointments its customers have met.

It's time they all stopped praying for a death to prove their meaningless point and got on with their jobs and left the bureaucrats, lawyers and politicians to deal with the mess that DML have helped create in their lack of assistance to the goose that has laid their golden egg - the DHB and the New Zealand taxpayer.

Subsidies Don't Work - Reason 1250

Big earners are lining up for the Government's home insulation subsidy, a survey suggests, prompting fears middle income earners will miss out unless the scheme gets more Government money.

No the survey is an indicator not that the damn subsidy needs MORE money, but needs to disappear altogether.

The poll suggests about 280,000 home owners may apply - pushing demand well above the four-year target of insulating and improving heating in 180,000 homes.

Classic "cash for clunkers" logic here.

A spokesman for Energy Minister Gerry Brownlee said people on middle incomes could pay the shortfall by increasing their mortgages.

So glad I am not paying for this stupidity.

If you are cold, move into a smaller home or apartment or use a damn heater or light the fire. Problem solved.

But no Nanny has to be involved.....switch to Not PC for this argument in 1,500 words quoting Hayek, Von Mises, Von Trapp, Maurice Trapp and Rand.

Typhoon Koppu

We got the call around 4.30pm to bunk off work today for a T3, impending T8 typhoon warning.

Sunday was probably the most polluted here that I've ever noticed. My eyes were stinging after being outside several seconds and the wind was warm.

Typhoon Koppu is on its way and all I can think of is Alamein.

At least she would have had the grace to arrive in the morning so we could have a day off work. I wonder what she is doing now? Unemployed perhaps?

After a few traditional expat traditional typhoon drinks to ward off the evil spirits, I realised it was time to venture home before the taxis put on their unofficial typhoon surcharge or worse, more sensibly went home. As is standard operating procedure I just got home to witness the awe of winds, thunder, a light show and rain in the hope that the construction on the windows withstands the eventual blow-back.

Leaky building syndrome here would not be a good thing!

Still if it clears tomorrow, which it should we can look forward to a low pollution index and another fine day.

Blo-Job Summit

While John Key lead a failed Jobs Summit earlier in the year, Phil "Spanky" Goff has attempted his own version - the Blo-Job Summit.

The world is in financial crisis still, the Kiwi dollar is crippling exporters, unemployment is rising, interest rates are an issue as is rural debt and the balance of payments worsens.

All Goff can come up with is giving out free condoms!

I am not against safe sex for Labour (and Green) Party voters to prevent generations of more silliness. But pardon the pun - let's not fuck about. I don't think condoms are good enough as people do not like wearing them and there is a failure rate, plus it takes intellect and co-ordination to put them on. That is, despite their prevalent availability for free at sexual health clinics, people who should not be breeding, seem too stupid to find them or more likely are simply choosing not to bother.

I think that this is the answer to Spanky's question. Before women can receive the DPB or unemployment benefits they should have to take a shot of this stuff then every three months.



And how about for men who have been long-term unemployed or serial DPB rooters, there's also this



Of course these methods would not be compulsory, however neither should paying people to breed again, so no honey, no money.

As for free condoms providing safe sex. Who cares if poor and/or stupid people spread disease amongst themselves? That's why we stay away from rooting them. No self-respecting woman or gay man should be having sexual relations with a man who cannot afford a condom. If people can't afford a condom then they are not the sort of people we want having sex for procreation or even recreation.

Yes the Labour Party's conference in Rotorua over the weekend should be termed the Blo-Job Summit, for that was the only thing to come out of it.

Safe sex.

And there is nothing safer than the blowie.

Best Ricardo Shot Like....Ever

Taken by Noz at funnily enough an Ed Hardy (eiiik) Fashion Show.

In case you have missed it - Ricardo (Simich) is on the left but look at the boner in those tight white panties on the young boy on the right. Wonder what Ricardo said to him.

Having said that, gRRROWL.



So as Fashion Week starts on 21st September and sadly I cannot make it due to work commitments this year, after SO enjoying myself so much last year at a few after-party eventies- we have the Fashion Week Random Impertinent Questions:

10. Is Pearl Going on the invite list after rumours she's doing her own show in November titled "Going to Town"?
9. Will Adrian Hailwood shave and stop wearing those silly hats to be taken seriously?
8. How many hours on end can Ricardo stay up in this his annual ultimate test of endurance?
7. Did Myken Stewart remember to order in the wide-frame seats for Pork Chop?
6. With Air NZ sponsoring, will we see Rob Fyfe in bodypaint on the catwalk? I hope so.
5. What's the price of coke on 20th through to 27th September? I don't mean the diet stuff.
4. Are Colorway Records sponsoring the after-after-parties again?
3. Has the very smelly Atip Wanananabe showered at all since last year let alone had a shampoo of that thing he wears on his head?
2. Myken Stewart seems such an ordinary gal, how does she handle all those back-stabbing non-paying wankers?
1. Can any of the sponsors get Ricardo, Michiah, Nicky Watson, Amanda Hotchin, Gilda, Porkie, Drew or Aja Rock to pay for ANYTHING from their own pocket and not that of their husband, father, grandfather or creditors still waiting for their 10 cents in the dollar?

"Stephen Donald Is A Woman"

Note the small perky breasts and lack of hair on the chest. All signs pointing to reduced testosterone levels.

In startling claims, controversial cricket vest wearing South African Springbok coach Peter de Villiers has suggested to leading international rugby commentator Ian Smith that the All Black first-five come second-five is in fact a woman.



The outspoken coach made his comments after watching Donald play in not only the recent match against the All Blacks at the "most boring town to visit in world rugby" but the entire tri-nations and All Black season.

de Villiers claimed that Donald is the worst All Black back he has ever seen and that no man that bad at rugby could ever wear an All Black jersey.

"Did you see the way he kicks and lines he runs? I tell you as God is my witness, my 18 year old niece could do better. He can't be anything but a woman as he's so bad and that poor Nonu had to cover for him like the men do for women with the heavy work back in the village. My boys by the second-half were reluctant to touch him in case he was either critically injured or claimed that they were interfering with his private parts. I also would check the claims he qualifies as a Maori. No black fella in the world of rugby could possibly play that badly and stay in the team this long. It's all a fraud on the NZRU's part to gain publicity for the 2011 Rugby World Cup I tell you. To win a few matches then goad us that they won with a woman".

Springbok centre combination Jean de Villiers (no relation) and Jaque Forie were quoted after the match in several leading Afrikaans news sources as voicing their concern that even when they applied no pressure that Donald kicked poorly and his positional play was woeful.

When fronted with de Villiers claims of Donald's gender, Ma'a Nonu, who suffered terrible ball-handling during the most recent match, was reluctant to comment but off the record Senior All Blacks, many of whom visited Waikato Stud during the week are disgruntled with playing next to a person who "quite clearly has an internal uterus" and have called for his NZRU contract to be ripped up, "he should be shipped off to play Northern Hemisphere rugby with other women as soon as possible to avoid damaging the game in New Zealand further".

During the week onlookers noticed that Donald was the first to don the protective gear to cover his chest. One of them leaked this secret picture of Donald in action.



Donald's family have gone into hiding and are refusing to comment on the rumours.

The New Zealand Rugby Union publicly refutes the claims however will not commit to Donald's short-term future with the All Blacks other than to say it would be up to the IRB to rule as to whether further testing on Donald would be required.

Arthur Morris from DML was quick to comment through Exceltium PR that his company now had capacity to conduct the tests in New Zealand and would fly a mobile lab down to Hamilton to meet with Donald but the NZRU had refused his offer on the basis they were contractually bound by multi-million dollar television rights not to use other related film companies.

Repent-A-Blogger

Martyn "Bomber" Bradbury has issued a full apology, some of it here in his own words:

First let me apologize to Cactus Kate and Whaleoil. When you both challenged me on my actions I was taken aback and reacted angrily and personally, that is not acceptable and was unfair of me. You both showed an ethical certainty with your defense of transparent blogging that should be applauded, not attacked.

I wish to explain myself and apologize for something which on reflection was stupid and opened me up to the exact criticisms Cactus Kate and Whaleoil were able to level at me. You are both right, if either of you had pulled a stunt like this I’d be all over you, you were right to criticize my behavior. I wish to take this chance to apologize officially and explain my at times fuddled response, the backlash caught me by surprise because it was never my intent to misrepresent my opinion and I was taken aback by the righteous indignation.

It was all very humble and logically written and I accept Bomber's honesty in apology.

BUT, and there always is a "BUT"

Then we got to this part which in my view is the worst crime of all when blogging:

Half the time I'm playing devil's advocate to stir, the other half I believe everything I write.

So how do we know which half it is? This is the difference between myself on Asian Invasion and Whaleoil on Gotcha! versus Bomber and the admittedly many like him.

Whatever you think of our views, we ALWAYS believe and believe in what we write.

Update - That streetwise old hag Busted Blonde who has as almost as many years in the bullshit industry of PR, media watching and other analysis as I have been born (literally as she's old enough to be my mother) has now just nailed the coffin on the matter.

"It has signalled the end of his independence.........his brand is his meal ticket and he has just destroyed it".

Rent-A-Blogger

Martyn "Bomber" Bradbury reckons it is okay to receive payment for services to promote products and companies when you are a media figure, blogger or presumably journo as long as you haven't changed your opinion in doing so.



Hooten (sic) paid for my services, he never paid for my opinion because my opinion was never up for sale.

I have known of Bomber since University, clearly we don't know each other beyond reasonably friendly adversaries in political discourse. I am very surprised based on my knowledge of how he rolls, that he would have accepted money to front a "cause" as he has made this. Least of all a "cause" promoted by Matthew Hooton for commercial reasons. Bomber's "cause" as he has presented it is a public health and safety concern. DML's concern is solely about their bottom line, losing a huge contract and scaremongering the public over the change-over. Their crafty and brilliant PR genius Matthew Hooton has used Bomber as a tool for promoting this commercial concern and sold it to him as a public good "cause".

Bomber didn't feel the need until pressed to tell us that he had been paid for those opinions to be made public. Such as his support in the guerilla campaign being run by DML currently lead by Matthew Hooton (and more brilliant wife's) PR firm Exceltium.

My favourite is the video on the right that Bomber does where the woman is blacked out to stay anonymous sporting an extremely thick non-descript accent that is hard to pick up complaining about the English standard of the staff! It's classic stuff.

I have an issue with this and it is very simple. Disclosure and independence.

Have a look at David Farrar, who the left allege is rent-a-whore comments man and mouthpiece for the National Party and even the Business Roundtable and in their pocket. David has a media profile I would say more substantial than Bomber's, just because those listening to and reading David have more money and status in society than the children, low incomers and beneficiaries that Bomber entertains. David on his blog however has a disclosure statement where you can read precisely what he receives for expressing his opinion on the blog.

David scrapes in under my standard with this disclosure. In Bradbury's opinion, David should be able to promote on his blog any commercial product as long as doing so doesn't change his opinion on it and not tell anyone. I disagree. And imagine if someone from the centre-right of blogging was caught doing a Bomber, the left would be all over them calling for their head.

When you are blogging you have the equal responsibility as the journos we frequently rip shreds off not to be in the pocket of someone who has paid you to blog or promote campaigns. And if you are, to make it known in a very clear fashion that you have a pecuniary interest.

(Unfortunately) There is none on this blog. I have decided to not even stoop to having advertising. Why? Because I could not give a shit about the $2.50 a week earned from them. And they irritate me when I see them on other blogs. Worse still, if someone pays you, then you are captive to voicing your opinion about negative experiences or comments towards them. And the advertisers complain about your content if it offends them.

For example, now having taken money off DML to promote their "cause", when Bomber finds out the sky hasn't fallen in, and cuts haven't been made to his treasured Maori and Pacific Island cause, as rationalised by MacDoctor, can he possibly comment in a negative light against DML? No.

I have been offered in the past money and goods to front a few campaigns on my blog. Not large enough sums I must add so it has been very easy to say no as it's not worth the hassle. None of the sums offered to other bloggers that I know about has been more than a few hundred bucks. Everyone who has offered to even take me to lunch has welched on the deal after reading that a $1,000 deductible cheque is likely to be less expensive than 4 hours at Euro. Under Bomber's definition, I could have accepted money and goods from all of them and not told the readers as they were all from large corporates that I like or wealthy individuals, one whom I worked for professionally in the past.

But imagine reading my comments on NZX and Mark Weldon in light of it being disclosed I was in the pocket of the detractors of NZX or Weldon? Or my comments on Jane Diplock and the Securities Commission if likewise? Or if Labtests were paying me to front their internet campaign? Or those who wished to discredit Allan Hawkins' Cynotech? Or Cycle Action Auckland? Or someone who wants to buy the Crafar's farms?

Bomber operates in the light entertainment section of the media, has not been exposed to working in a corporate environment and I am yet to read any piece of substantive business or commercial reasoning on his blog or any media pieces specifically for above-averaged waged adults, as such perhaps he has a lower standard.

So perhaps it is okay for him to spout his opinion and be paid for it. On the basis that I am still wondering how someone of his extremism can front a TV show, and someone like Whaleoil is deemed too extreme in the other direction. There seems to be one rule for the far left and another for the right.

But in essence bloggers can cut out the middle men of PR or enhance the facility of dissemination of information. Blogging is an alternative route when PR people cannot get the media to run their story. They put out blog posts that will get word out to at least a few thousand people to kick things off.

Problem is, rent-a-blogger is getting quite evident. Media campaigning has become viral, online and interactive. The "Safe Med Tests" website above is proof evident of that.

The likes of Bomber are trading off their influence in wider society to make a buck pretending to be independent, "cause promoting" for the public good, credible and not in the pocket of certain sectors of society.

They are not.

The Men Who Cried Cow

Here's a riddle for you all.



Would you lend $150 million to this lot?

Two brothers and wives and family have $200 million of farms, owe banks $150 million, PGG Wrightson's $25 million, numerous other creditors money, have been fined $90,000 for dumping effluent and "dirty farming" and are the focus of all sorts of worry for their practices. Not least this lasting image that even coming from someone who grew up on a farm, utterly disgusts me:

Stock abuse

One brother quotes farming as "good sense" and among his tips to others

"Do keep your operation simple"

To this outsider they had a simple formula. Play on the good "Kiwi bloke" theory of conning the bank manager to keep loaning them more money. Buy more land, expand, get the kids involved, and their kids, build the empire - keep moaning you are just a hard working bloke and hope to hit it rich how all farmers seem to do these days - property speculation.

But they haven't. They are in the crapper. So instead of fronting up like an entrepreneur should with a risk-return failure and admitting they fucked up things in a big way, the Crafar's have front footed and so far and have:

- threatened to sell to the Chinese
- scared the market that farm prices will fall once all their farms go on the market
- claimed that a pittance of a fine relative to their operation ($90k for effluent offences) was to blame for them sulking off
- blamed the BANKERS with this gem "I'd like to come back in another life as a banker," he said, adding: "New Zealand needs to get back in control of its banking.". The only thing the banks did wrong was funding their operation with this sort of debt:equity ratio.
- cried poor as only a farmer could do given the opportunity they had through almost limitless funding

Crafar said three generations of family farmers had worked to build up the group and were unlikely to receive a cent in equity once the sale was completed, given debt was worth as much or more than the farms.

"I would have been better off staying on the dole," he said, adding that the family owners of the group had never taken out more than the value of the dole in salaries from the business over the years.

"This idea that we're all a bunch of rich bastards is bloody bullshit," he said.

I have spoken with two successful cashed-up New Zealand businessmen today who have read the story. Both agreed that only banking-privileged farmers could have this sort of debt structure in modern New Zealand.

So are the Crafar's modern day rural heroes wrongly accused and driven out of farming or farming cowboys run amok who deserve to swim in the effluent pond?

And worse for New Zealand, are they a model for what lies under the surface of lending effluent once the pond is cleaned out by the lower payout of this year?

The bankers are to blame, I agree. I am shocked that they would lend on a debt:equity ratio to this lot on basically the bones of land prices and payout increasing over time and quickly. But just because they wear gumboots and speak with the eloquence of a drenched cowpat, does not mean this lot are without blame for their obvious empire building with a monumental chasm of an ambition-ability gap.

For if they were Aucklanders with the same leveraging ratio, driving Porsche's with million dollar homes living the high-life, New Zealanders would be calling for their heads by now.

Will they escape criticism just because they speak in unsophisticated tones and wear gumboots?