Banking With Billy

Dear Bill

You are asking banks to be reasonable in allowing borrowers to break contractual fixed term mortgages for little or no penalty so they can move to the nice new lower rates that the kind Uncle Alan has now set.

While you are on the television, can you also ask our depositors to be reasonable and let us break contractual fixed term deposits they have with our bank for no compensation so they can have the privilege of moving to lower interest rates on their savings as well?

Just checking.

Regards

Mr Bank Manager

Magpies In Double Danger

Armed Offenders could have killed innocent magpies.

The Darwin Road resident, who has a firearms licence, had been firing at magpies on Thursday night when some shots struck the roof of a neighbouring house, The Gisborne Herald reported.

The concerned occupant called police and the AOS responded, cordoning off Darwin Road.

Between the AOS and the gunman it is a miracle that more innocent magpie were not killed.

TVNZ crew have set up camp outside the home of the Magpie family and will remain there until the funeral.

When asked for comment, a family spokesperson requested that the camera crew "get out of our street or we will crap in Wendy Petrie's perfectly groomed hair".

Local Iwi, Pita Sharples of the Maori Party, Michael Jones, Inga Tuigamala, David Tua, Neil Thimbleby, the entire Tremain family and Craig Foss have all visited the distraught Magpies to pass on their condolences.

Dave Dobbyn is planning to attend the funeral and play the victim's favourite song Hanging in the Wire.

ANZ's Own Goal

Not only has ANZ kicked itself in the goolies by cutting 100 staff to outsourcing to India while their CEO Graham Hodges attends Mark Weldon's Job Summit, a scan of the Board of NZX comes up with this interesting entry. The Deputy Chairman of NZX is in fact a rather senior employee of ANZ.

Nigel Williams - Deputy Chairman
BCom

Nigel Williams has been a Director of NZX since 6 April 2004 and the Deputy Chairman since 2005. Nigel has over 20 years' experience in both New Zealand and overseas capital markets, including his current role as Managing Director, Institutional Markets for the combined ANZ New Zealand Limited and National Bank New Zealand Limited.

His CV is updated on the ANZ website for his new position -

Nigel Williams is Managing Director of Australia for the Institutional division. In this role he oversees the business and strategic focus of the Institutional division’s client relationships, products and services in Australia.

All very comfortable isn't it? Especially at a time the NZX is looking to make a mark in Australia.

I don't have any trouble with outsourcing of jobs for increased shareholder profits. I don't have any issue with CEO's attending a Job Summit even if I think the whole Summit is a grand waste of time and won't create or save a single New Zealand job, at a time when National have actually banished conferences for medical professionals and social welfare officials.

I do though have major concerns with hypocritical commentary from those who "do as I say and not as I do". ANZ appears to be joining the "Holier than Mother Teresa" list along with Commander Weldon. That a bank who has as a solution to keeping New Zealanders in jobs, has outsourced to India, can attend with any shred of humility, a Jobs Summit discussing how to keep New Zealanders in jobs at a time of impending financial crisis.....is really quite amazing.

Pot, Kettle, Weldon II

Eye on the ball Mark



While Mark Weldon is trotting around doing his best John Key mini-me impersonations, usurping Bill English as the Key Boy, and making populist demands about CEO's pay, it appears first that his own house is in need of a little commercial order in the KPI department.

This industry circulated letter was forwarded to me by what I presume to be an unhappy industry insider. Other correspondents have also written in recently in comments sections.

The average punter won't have a clue what the letter actually says so I leave an open forum for people to anonymously comment in. They are alleging Weldon is a bully-boy, with horrendous staff turnover of his own so I can understand their need to remain anonymous. Brokers who have spoken up are informing me that any dissent is dealt with by drowning them in technical points affecting their business and Weldon telling them that he is in charge with complete control and they can basically lump it.

This attitude to dealing in his own industry appears to conflict with his politicised role of neutrally and respectfully leading a Jobs Summit across all industries for the National Government.

From the outline of this letter and one I was sent previously, it looks very much like Weldon hasn't delivered yet on a promised platform that he has a financial stake in. The FASTER upgrade appears to be anything but. Brokers are going to be lumbered with the high cost of a system that has not been delivered as detailed in the letter of just December 2008.

Of concern to a right-wing political supporter is that NZX is a listed company, a market regulator, has interests in a share registry, runs it's own funds management business and NOW wants to control the whole settlement system. The free market seems to be anything but. Weldon's own conflicts as well as that of the NZX in general need to be looked at.

In addition to all of that are: employee share schemes (which allegedly compliance staff even participate in..something I find a tad outrageous), Weldon's own little nest egg, increasing costs, lower trading volumes and a threat that up to five brokers will shortly be forced to pack up shop and leave.

While the forum can be robust, I will delete any comments that are defamatory towards Weldon, of a too personal nature or mention names of others in the same way.

SIA Letter to NZX 10 Dec

Random Impertinent Question

At the weekend I sat and listened to friends of family discuss their declining Fonterra payout for several hours.

Question: What group of people in NZ society can sit around for hours crassly discussing their income levels with outsiders and not be deemed to be a pack of c**ts?

Only in New Zealand.

Maori Fiddle While Rome Burns

Can't even agree on a flag

As we predicted when Big Daddy Key gave the children the option to play nicely, and get a reward, Maori have failed.

If ever a better story was needed to describe the hopelessness of modern Maori leadership, then this has to take the proverbial cake. You just couldn't have written a funnier script.

After years of wanting their flag raised, Maori can't actually decide among themselves what flag to fly. So now no one gets the lollies and they all go hungry.

I suggest we fly the flag of KFC up there instead. It symbolises how Maori leadership have become big, fat, slothful, greasy deep-fried chickens.



Yesterday, Dr Sharples said he didn't have the time or resources between now and February 6 to complete the consultation, which was complicated by factions within Maoridom who individually supported the tino rangatiratanga flag, the 1835 flag and something new being flown.

Sharples and all the Maori MP's have a Koru club pass, free travel and resources galore. He's got video skype for free. What does he want? A helicopter and a friggin' battalion? What have they been doing all summer? Sitting on their arses patting themselves on the back for the good job they are doing for Maori?

Little wonder Maori are moving backward when their own leadership can't decide on something as stupid as a flag. How will they cope with economic and social crisis to come?

Will they fiddle while their Whenua burns?

I wonder just how they all get out of bed in the morning. The decision to get out on the left, right or middle must drive their old age brains to combustion.

Younger Maori must hold their heads in their hands and wonder just how to get rid of such imbeciles. Least New Zealand settle any more treaty claims until Maori leadership can show they have the skills to decide on a bloody flag.

More on New Zealand's Future Finest

Pregnant 14 year old pulled over for drink driving

Pregnant at 14?
Driving at 14?
Drinking at 14?
Drink driving at 14?

The Police notebook isn't large enough to write out the violations for that one!

Seriously can we not have a tracking system that demands media follow up on these sorts of losers (and their families) in 5 and 10 years time and gives a report about how they have advanced their lives?

Keep up those 55 hour weeks, scrimping and saving and living within your means middle New Zealand. You will be funding this lot for a long time.

ACC When It Suits

The shooting of Halatau Naitoko was as tragic as any day in New Zealand can get. Make no mistake about that. One life was lost, the Police however saved the life of a very grateful Richard Neville.



New Zealand has a "no fault" culture out of its own choosing. ACC has meant that people can't go around suing others. So now John Key is talking up claims of compensation which is a dangerous precedent.

Middle of the road blogger Poneke (now requiring login to his site) came out immediately after the facts have been ascertained by an authority no greater than TVNZ and Granny Herald and demanded the officer who fired the bullet that killed Halatau, be thrown to the wolves. Forgetting of course a witness who was injured with schrapnel claimed the Police had actually saved his life. The Pinko blogsphere went further.

Without even knowing the victim they assumed naturally because he was a Polynesian driving a courier van that he was "hardworking". Is that "hardworking" opposed to if he was a dole bludger or to other 17 year olds who are still working hard to further their education when he's obviously decided to go work and have a child at a ridiculously young age?

If a banker got shot no one would have said he was "hardworking" because we like to think that only the working class could possibly be deemed "hardworking". How do they know Halatau was hardworking? For a fact? They turned it into a racial incident, assuming of course the Policeman who shot the victim was a white man and not one of the many Maori or Pacific Islanders on the New Zealand Police force. Also forgetting the reason that Halatau was shot in the first instance was that a Maori had gone on a mental rampage putting lives at risk. No it was all the fault of the White Institution again.

If anything Halatau was killed because the Police were too careful and didn't shoot Stephen McDonald sooner than one hour and between the ears. The official report will tell us the real story.

People who know what they are actually talking about such as my former lecturer Scott Optican are claiming that the killing was lawful. Which doesn't sound very nice that the Police can't run around shooting people, but so be it.

Where I am at the moment there is a lot of talk about the incident. Least everyone is claiming to be a relative of Halatau's because they think New Zealand is America and the family is going to get rich off it. Much like corpse cuddler Brendan Sheehan when Mrs Muliaga ate herself to death and her family members were too thick and lazy to go to the neighbours and call 111. But Halatau's case is far more deserving.

Low income earners rail to defend ACC when they need it but as soon as there is something in it for a windfall, all of a sudden the very reason we have ACC is forgotten and it's all about cash that they have conveniently forgotten helps them in times when it perhaps doesn't need to.

I am actually with them but on a consistent basis and don't believe in ACC at all as I think it is costly, pathetic scheme that doesn't compensate properly those on higher incomes who contribute the most to it and often receive the least. The most an earner in New Zealand pays for in ACC levy a year is $1,440.91. Which is ridiculously costly and only covers New Zealand accidents with an effective deductible in most cases. I can buy an all inclusive worldwide medical policy based in Hong Kong, one of the most costly countries in the world for medical insurance for only twice that price and there is no deductible and I am covered everywhere in the world for accidents and medical care, including death and disability. So how can a Government justify such a large contribution to a scheme such as ACC?

ACC was brought in to stop the windfall payments that Americans can get from suing or the threat of suing and effectively put them in a far better position than what they would have been if the accident had not happened. While I think in this case everyone believes the family of Halatau's family should get some assistance (and corporates are already making gestures of support which is nice), they shouldn't be in a position where this is a windfall gain and Halatau's death is worth more to them than had he swapped places with Mr Neville and survived the shooting.

I believe that compensation in this case should be paid to the victim's partner and child (not the wider family and general bludgers who will appear from everywhere now). Not a lump sum $1 million lotto style win but a statistical formula based on predicted future earnings less future receipts of welfare and income assistance. This is the economic value of the loss of his life given to put the family in the same financial position they would of if he hadn't been killed.

Actuaries are more than capable of putting a value on a life, we don't like to see them do it but I would estimate unfortunately that a 17 year old father of one, no qualifications who works as a courier driver would be struggling to leave more for his girlfriend and child at age 65 on retirement than Nanny State will provide in benefits (working for families, DPB, income assistance, housing allowances) anyway.

Which makes it all the sadder really and highlights once more the dependence of low income earners still on the welfare state and low New Zealand incomes.

Travelling On

I am off to Pacific Island number 1 today....oh the excitement. I have found in the lounge already 6 two tonned Tiro's that I imagine will be seated next to me in Business Class all flying their way courtesy of their friendly taxpayers and/or Pacific aid grants.

Questions

Auckland City spent all that time and money redesigning Queen Street. All those appalling delays and congestion.

1. Can a reader tell me what the improvements actually are as all I could see was the usual scores of poorly dressed porky (thanks to their new Keeewi diets) Asian students, child gang prospects and smelly street people?

2. Do all the New Zealand shops and mall staples have the same Chinese supplier?

3. Remind me again how New Zealand designers expect to turn a profit when they charge Prada, Armani and Gucci prices for their pieces of cloth, again, made in China and by someone who a few years ago was at Polytechnic thinking of the best way to get a Government grant?

4. Can someone gather together all the HSV branded Puma shoes and BURN THEM!

5. If you want to make some real dosh, do you think that it is wise to spread only your keeewi ideas to the rest of the world. Most of whom a) don't get it and b) even if they do, don't give a shit. The world doesn't need more pictures of rolling green grassy hills, silver ferns on a black background as "breakthrough marketing".

Kiwiblog More Offensive Than Asian Invasion And Whaleoil

I now have proof of something I have long suspected.

Kiwiblog, authored by David P Farrar is more offensive than Whaleoil and myself.

The use of the word "Nazi" on DPF's site was deemed by the United Airline lounge censors and "Sitecoach" to be more offensive than every sexual term and swear word I use on this blog. Roarprawn was banned for the term "white power".

Of course I was booted off the site after typing these two words into my blog!

John On Key In Hong Kong

At a function tonight in Hong Kong. I was introduced to a few Hong Kong bureaucratic types who claim to have met Helen Clark. They then provided evidence to me that they had.

They didn't like her. I swapped some stories to keep them amused about how New Zealand could possibly elect a Leader who had never been successful in business or had connections to business.

They did however perk up when they heard I was from New Zealand. Their first words were "John Key very rich". They then rattled off more stats on John Key than I knew.

So I see an excellent opportunity for an Asian tour for New Zealand's Prime Minister. They would love him here. Hong Kongers love anyone rich, least one who talks well with political connections who has made the money himself.



So Richard Worth as Chair of the HK-NZ Business Association (of which I am a member after Dr Worth indeed forced me to join after threatening to release ugly rumours that I had two-ticked National in Epsom and not ACT) and connected in private Club circles should organise a trip forthwith.

And a double tax treaty with HK wouldn't go amiss either.

O-bamania

We don't buy the hype but understand now that Americans feel smug and secure safe in the knowledge that they can't be called racists for they elected a man of colour.

Same old story though, promised to withdraw troops...can't deliver that.....not til 2011

He did not provide a specific timetable for a US withdrawal from Iraq, but under a US-Iraqi agreement, US troops would depart by the end of 2011. He has pledged to increase US troop strength in Afghanistan to turn back a resurgent Taliban.

Best of luck Obama, you are going to need it. Everything's going to get blamed on you now! Which has a bitter sense of irony based on the fact you helped start the mess........home ownership for everyone.....

Not such a good idea was it?

Advice - Alcohol Experimentation

Large headache this morning.

Do NOT mix these two drinks. Stick to one or the other. Krug's a bit heavy for my girlie tastes so if offered be very careful of the effects. It can be a dangerous drug.

Over The Top

Add getting a tattoo to a long list of things that this blogger WILL NOT be doing in the name of her blog!

Pumping To the East...Pumping To The West

The centre right of NZ politics has every reason to be suspicious of Bill English.

Bill English is ALL about pumping......public services.....$2 billion here....$2 billion there.....Pride that NZ is spending more money of "fiscal stimulus" than our competitors........Dry-wretching from those who know they will pay for this for years to come follows.....

Noelle McCarthy in this interview baited him about cuts. She baited him about public spending and the State Sector. Should have gone harder.

English is not about cutting. He overrules McCarthy when she talks about cutting. Says it was her term not his. Imagine telling a journo that they had to put the idea of spending cuts into your vocabulary?

English is a pumper not a cutter.

Here is Billy the Little Pink Tory Pump, pulled from Mary's closet.





Should make for interesting times around the Cabinet table.

English appears a tad off Key.

Hypothetically Speaking

A long-time supporter of my more moderate habits, sent me this pearl of a study from Times Online.

(He not only has a great handful of arse but is exceptionally talented in this department. For the record).

Wealthy men give women more orgasms

He said: “Increasing partner income had a highly positive effect on women’s self-reported frequency of orgasm. More desirable mates cause women to experience more orgasms.”

Now of course I can't possibly comment on this as to be able to make a comparison I would have to go out and do something that is against my public policy as I don't see the point to it.

Shag men poorer than myself.

And why on earth would any woman want to go do that?

Seriously.

Random Impertinent Questions

So Rob Fyfe, now you've endured the shine of prostituting yourself completely for months on end to the "hug a corpse" PR gods.......and topped it off with a public military style funeral for civilian airline pilots.

How's your airline doing? Demoted any senior pilots lately? Getting a good return for shareholders are we?

These are questions that the real business reporters should be asking. Not clouding themselves in the sanctimonious dribble about how great a CEO Rob Fyfe is because he's proved he can hug corpses and play sugar Daddy to families flying them to the crash site.

Paula Warrior Princess

Our favourite Westie gets amongst it.

I see a guest role on Bro'town pending.

Ms Bennett was about to enter West City in Henderson about 4.30pm on Saturday when she saw 30 or so youngsters aged from about 11 to 17 in Catherine Place.

Four or five of them, mostly females, were fighting - "fists flying, blood, it was full on" - while the rest were egging them on, she said.

It would have only taken one little thug with a knife to make the whole thing totally nasty. If you are going to get involved in a fight as a good Samaritan then least be it with participants who don't want to be in a fight. Sounded like this lot were all happy to kick each other to bits considering the abuse TWP got for intervening.

The smartest move of these kids was not to hit The Warrior Princess. I'd think twice about giving her a whack, I imagine she'd return the favour with interest.

Needless to say, TWP's security will now be reviewed and Wertie men can hang their heads in shame yet again that a chick had to sort this out.

Vettori Should Go Now

No one seems to take a stick to Daniel Vettori. He's had a glorious reign of love from fans second to none of recent times. Lets face it, with his win/loss record thus far, if he was All Black Captain there would be effigies in the streets. And it is right to compare the two, their income levels and responsibilities off the field are pretty much on par and serious cricketing nations number that of serious rugby playing nations.

I've read Daniel Vettori's biography "Turning Point", as along with the Men of Cricket calendar it was a present from SOC (sister of Cactus). It has a purpose. Black Cap players should read it out paragraph by paragraph over the course of a match as a sledge to bore their opponents into chucking their wicket away.

I am an avid reader of sports books. I am a Black Caps fan. Vettori's book however is quite frankly the worst biography ever written about a New Zealand cricketer. When it need not have been. No one could possibly be as dull and insipid in real life as the book. The author Richard Boock is a fine writer. He compiled a handy book for Stephen Fleming that I enjoyed. But not a fabulous sketch writer could make Vettori look good with the blandness on offer here. Perhaps it's because apart from a serious car accident at school, you get the feeling Vettori's never struggled with anything in life. Even his introduction and continuation of his career was fraught with the monopoly he had in New Zealand for being given the opportunity to bowl endless overs and not a single competitor even close to challenging for his spot. Compare this with Chris Cairns, Craig McMillan or even the great Martin Crowe, all of whom struggled with illness, depression, behavioural issues, family death and other tragedy.

Vettori is a guy whose travelled the world from a young age, met loads of people and the book obsesses around the period where he has just been made Captain without giving away anything. If you had a dollar for every time the term "Captain" was used in the book, well you could afford to buy every copy of the book. I challenge someone who doesn't have an intimate knowledge of Cricket finding the book in the least bit interesting least get to the end of it. Next to Craig McMillan's epic stream of emotion, Vettori's book is as effective as odourless aftershave.

So quite remarkable was the comment by Vettori that Brendon McCullum should succeed him as Captain. Chris Rattue has made mince meat of it. Rattue didn't make these comments, Vettori did:

"[McCullum] has that streak about him, a ruthlessness and a cockiness that leads to him just wanting to win all the time."

And the next comment that was also as disturbing:

"You need guys coming in with fresh ideas all the time ... guys like Ross Taylor and Jamie How have very solid cricket brains and they just need the opportunity to lead sides and see if they want to take it to the next level."

Nope.

Right now New Zealand Cricket has an exciting bunch of new young players that the fans love watching for their skill and volatility and it needs Daniel Vettori to take the lead with these fresh ideas, not sleep-walk to 2011 with IPL earnings in his back pocket. The number 2 ranked bowler in the world should be winning matches and knocking over batting line-ups with the ease of......well the number 2 ranked bowler in the world.

You can't selectively abuse these quotes or take them out of context. They are words that aren't even coming out of Ricky Ponting's mouth about his current position.

They show that Vettori, while the number 2 ranked bowler in the world (and often sliding up to number 1) is not right to be Captain of the Black Caps if he continues with the mindset that others in the team have to step up into leadership roles. He's the leader and their top ranked player and needs to start focusing all his attention on the team winning.

The Black Caps should beat Australia in the upcoming series. They have to go in with the mindset that they are favourites and can trounce an Australian side its most vulnerable in years. With Vettori and Mills they have the number 2 and 4 bowlers in the world and should knock sides over.

Vetorri's opinion is that the team's best player should be its Captain. An interesting view considering New Zealand's greatest ever player Richard Hadlee didn't take the duties full time, no one accused John Wright of being the best player in the team, opinion was divided on who was the better player - Chris Cairns or Stephen Fleming and Geoff Howarth often couldn't see the ball let alone hit it. Shane Warne has been Australia's most successful player of recent times but there was no way in hell they were ever going to make him Captain.

Despite his ranking, Vettori's not going to be remembered for glamourously ripping apart top orders as Richard Hadlee did. He won't be remembered for run scoring prowess of Stephen Fleming or Martin Crowe, the ball striking ability to win matches of Chris Cairns or Nathan Astle and fortunately he won't be remember as a beer swilling alchy like Geoff Howarth or a shit stirrer like Glenn Turner.

But fail to reach that Turning Point with the Black Caps to get them to consistently knock over the best sides and Vettori runs a real risk of being an anonymous, colourless player whose not going to be remembered for anything other than playing a lot of games and being a nice bloke.

The Gnome Is Back

Rather like Whale, Paul Holmes is back - in print at least.

Holmes has the mantra of Columnist of the Year.

I read his columns online but can't say I enjoy them as much as some of the others such as Laws, McLeod or Ralston. Readers won't realise how difficult it can be sometimes writing about topics that are topical, interesting and lively, week in week out. It's probably far more difficult when you are like plenty of columnists around and don't actually have a 40+ hour a week job that takes you outside your farm or media community. And the more general your brief, often this only makes the column more difficult to present.

A columnist is judged I guess by how long they've been doing it without being axed as it's a vicious gig without any protection of employment law. Plenty of youngsters are introduced then axed within six months or a year by Granny inparticular who seem hell bent on middle aged (often wilting)"names" to write theirs. Without a television media presence and the PR attached to it, youth seems to be an unwelcome stranger in the column business.

I've had my column now for almost three years, which is as long as anyone my age I can recall actually surviving. I have the huge advantage I guess of having my working week splattered with plenty of inspiration and travel outside of muddy gumboots and village wine tastings. Also I learned from early feedback that you have to evolve from your original intention. Like for example Tapu Misa writing about being a Pacific Islander or Raybon Kan writing about being Chinese, there's only so many columns you can do about shagging married men and thinking that children are evil extra terrestrial beings.

Another advantage is that I don't live in New Zealand so don't fall into the category of "young, cute and sweet, bright-eyed and idealistically left-leaning" as most on collective contracts at media outlets nationwide. Least I am neither idealistic, left-leaning or unfortunately that cute and sweet.

Holmes' columns are different. There is plenty of "I" involved in them, which is a self-absorption that many columnists find it difficult to stray from as the whole thing really is all about you. He reminisces on his daytime jobs, which of course he no longer has. It will be interesting to see how long he can sustain as a columnist with a perspective now of producing olive oil and growing old gracefully in a dressing gown in Hawkes Bay.

If Holmes can endure despite losing most of his big city celebrity headline act, then I will once again tip my Yankees Starter cap to him.

Urban Myth Obliterated

Hooton was right.

Lockwood's into chicks.

Congratulations to both.

High On The Muck

Federated Fuckwits strikes again!

The President of the FF is speaking.

An unusual piece of work which I will leave to Homepaddock to interpret.

Lookalikes

Two David's .

Brothers from a different Mother.

One's ludicrously clever and in Singapore, one's bright enough to join the brain drain off to Denmark.

Beat Up Journalism

OH MY GOD.....a beneficiary lives in this house and drives a Range Rover. Call the Police.

The reason he can live here is quite simple. He doesn't own the place.

Like many people who are smart enough to come to people like myself to structure their business and personal affairs separately, Mr Dennis Thompson doesn't own anything of any value at all in his own name.

This means not only does he have no income, he has no assets either so when his business tipped over, he was able to save assets where there is no charge against.

Plenty of people live in homes they do not own.

Plenty of millionaires can qualify easily for a community service card. I recall the fits of hysterics as we calculated millionaires personal tax and wrote to them informing them of their right. All their income was in company and trust structures.

New Zealanders cannot claim expenses on their private residence but can receive handsome taxation benefits if they rent out the home. This anomaly just invites for exploitation. I know of 3 different pairs of friends who bought reasonably identical properties in developments and live in the other friends house. They could then all claim losses each year for the simple inconvenience of direct debiting "rent" to each other's accounts.

Even better is that one of the three people who own this residence where Thompson now squats, actually lives in his former house! Which is a tad cheeky. There's been a bit of house swapping going on that's for sure.

But no cheekier than:

a. State housing tenants who live in homes that most Kiwi taxpayers could never live in, let alone afford to buy.

b. women who marry and move into a house that they could never afford to live in or buy if they were still single.

Why doesn't The Press go and hassle those sorts?

Thompson is merely an entrepreneur whose fucked up and now will have to start again. He's more entitled to a stop gap income than the usual class of bludger.

Whale's Back

Hilarious post on dating options for Jesse Ryder.

I was getting a little worried about Whale's Gaza obsessions.

Another Day At Work

Think of the coolest day you have EVER had at work, multiply it by 100000000000 and you get the day that Chesley Burnett Sullenberger III had. This guy is an American hero.





Not often are you tested beyond what you think possible at work. I've been a rather terrified passenger in a very light aircraft with a pilot far hotter than Chesley and seeing the small margin for error when a plane is landed on hard ground, you don't even want to dream about the odds of landing perfectly on water without any victims in one of these A320 beasts. Let alone the skill required to give it a chance.

With sponsorship and endorsements, a decent agent will make the bloke a gazillionaire overnight.

I can't help thinking though that the birds were Al Qaeda operatives.

Private School Poofs Pay Through The Nose

Granny has done a useful summary of private school fees. Some are quite extraordinary for the ordinary.

* King's College: Year 9 to 11 $19,340, Year 12 and 13 $19,872.
* St Kentigern College: $14,700 plus levies and fees.
* Kristin School: Years 7-10 $14,940, Years 11-13 $15,260.
* Senior College: $14, 458.
* Diocesan School for Girls: Year 1 to 6 $13,824. Year 7-13 $16,040.
* St Cuthbert's College: Year 1 to 6 $13, 408. Year 7 to 13 $15, 888.
* St Paul's Collegiate: Day student $21, 133, boarders $25,717.
* St Peter's Cambridge: $15,000 for a day pupil, $25,000 for a boarder.
* Montessori College of Auckland: Closed. $7650 plus donations.

I would now pay $25K a year NOT to have to attend St Poofters in Cambridge. Terrible boarding school and as a former alumni of the local High School I hope that the state school still kicks its arse all over the paddocks of the town belt. That's just a terrible investment. You'd have been better off investing in Hanover.

I personally don't believe in private schooling. It is for the weak. Everyone should be made to tough it out with a mixture of society.

You only send your kids to private or "independent" school if:

a) they are very average. At the private school smaller class sizes and pampering will possibly make them average or evem above average. But they are more likely then to bomb out at University when they are unsupervised again.
b) they are weak of mind and hanging out with glue sniffing dropkicks in a state school and succumbing to peer pressure. This is a very large group of students shipped off to private schools.
c) you have your head up your arse and think that the "old boy connection" is required for your average kids to get ahead in life. Useless in an egalitarian NZ society and then again overseas where most people view NZ as the arse end of a backwater next to Australia.

SOC (sister of Cactus) went to the most expensive, now $25,717 a year boarding school listed. The roll had closed when she entered as it was a last minute decision to get her away from all the dropkicks (all male of questionable fatherhood) pursuing her at the State institution. I think FOC (father of Cactus) offered livestock into the school's farm fundraiser to push her application through such was his desperation and by then her siblings were at University and unable to beat the snot out of the offenders who knocked over the family letterbox when she dumped their sorry panelbeating arses.

I've always run the argument that because I was always above average and didn't have a learning or mental problem that required me to be sent to a private school, that FOC should actually reimburse me for the 5 years of fees he saved not having to send me to private school.

He never has followed the argument unfortunately as the figures now are quite impressive.

Not surprisingly parents are looking at the money wasted on private schooling and having second thoughts. Which is good, as these are exactly the sort of shit-stirring parents that the state school system needs to demand more from it.

But at $25K for 5 years, I'd rather buy most of an Audi RS 4.

Kylie Is SO Lucky

Chalk up another Kylie Minogue infidelity disaster waiting to happen.

But until the inevitable, she gets to do naughty things to this. I didn't know there were male supermodels. But this is super.

“If the woman of my life shows up she will be welcome. But I hope she arrives late so I don’t lose the freedom to move from here to there.

“I’m indecisive and fussy. I can’t stand people touching my things. Living with me is not easy. At least, that’s what my ex-girlfriend says.

Touching his things would be a pleasure.

Go Kylie!

Pot, Kettle, Weldon

Cute as a button Mark Weldon appears to have won the hearts and minds of the fellow VRWC members Whaleoil and Busted Blonde but I remain unconvinced that he's anything other than a good-looking bimbo show pony. Weldon just sends my bullshit radar into hyperdrive every time he sends out a press release.

Do as I say not as I do.

Then I needed no more convincing.

Weldon is to Chair the "Jobs Summit".

Today he announced in an attempt to appear moderate and pander to Unions and workers contributing to this wankfest that underperforming CEO's should be sacked.

Underperforming chief executives should be sacked, stock exchange boss Mark Weldon said ahead of a job summit planned by the prime minister.

Mr Weldon said there should be no slack for business executives not performing properly.

"If (chief executives) aren't coming through get rid of them because companies are at risk," he told the Dominion Post.

"Too often New Zealand business expects other people to be responsible for what happens to them.

"The reality is that at this point in time it is every CEO's responsibility to reshape their strategy and execute it quickly."

Nobody is ever going to disagree with that, however Weldon's swimming flippers have landed firmly between his upper and lower lip on that cute buttoned golden boy face of his.

Because if Weldon's performance as CEO of the NZX is judged by volume, trades and returns in 2008 (50% drop in value of NZX shares since 2007 and a failure to meet almost every strategic goal in 2008) then he'd be one of the first to go!

And we haven't forgotten his cheeky little bid for what many New Zealanders considered outrageous, a share option package worth potentially $10 million.

I don't have any issue with what Weldon is earning, how he is performing and have no comment on whether he should be sacked for lack of performance. This is left to those who have a financial stake in judging his performance and for him to put his usual grease on it so his speedo cap spins out of the washing machine faster than the drop of the NZ dollar.

Perhaps though Weldon should extend this courtesy to other CEO's suffering from the same often uncontrollably bad performances brought on by a shit of a year and more of a shit of a year to come, and desist from making publicly provocative comments pandering to the unwashed masses in a time when more and more companies will be underperforming, shutting down and crippled for no other reason than a worldwide financial slowdown and then halt due to the fact New Zealand's trade partners can no longer afford what we export to them.

This Jobs Summit may in fact be nothing more than Weldon's long, cold trek to plead with John Key to give him a new one in New Zealand's only growth industry currently (still) - the public sector.

Cheeky Darkies II

What I love about Maori is their bare-faced cheek. Most Maori I speak to find the whole treaty grievance system a large joke on New Zealanders. Ditto any preferential treatment they get for having someone as distant as a great-grandparent with Maori "blood".

I have a female friend in the Waikato who specifically wanted to marry a Maori Tainui boy so she got entitlements. She was successful in that mission much to the amusement of all her mates.

The fact that now Australians are taking this seriously is far funnier than the original joke.

Maori Embassy

The paper tried to contact the house's owners - who were in New Zealand - as well as the "ambassador" Joe, who didn't return phone calls. A spokesman for the New Zealand Consulate-General said the office wasn't aware of its Sunshine Coast counterpart.

And in a nice neighbourhood as well. Shane Patrick McKenna and Sonia Elizabeth Begle the occupants sound like solid Maori names indeed.

The best comment on the website so far was

Well in the case, let's declare war on them. Send in the F-111s to Bonavist Cr. Posted by: Andrew of Brisbane 11:00am January 15, 2009

Clever Key

John Key has ended the stupid "can Maori fly their separatist flag on the Harbour bridge" debate forever. By treating Maori like you would young children or bickering employees.

Mr Key said that provided Maori were consulted and the meaning of the flag was agreed upon, he has no problem with flying the Tino Rangatiratanga flag from the Auckland Harbour Bridge on Waitangi Day.

Kind of like in his old days when I imagine he would tell junior bankers he would pay for them to visit a brothel but they had to decide which one. Or telling the kids they could have pizza but have to agree on the toppings and where to buy it from.

New Zealanders now living in 2009 and a multi-cultural environment will not be holding their breath for the outcome.

Waitangi Day is pointless political posturing. I hope most New Zealanders simply take the day off and go to the beach (swimming between some useful flags) and ignore it all.

Jesse Rides His Chances

David Leggat writes an excellent column (for someone employed by Granny Herald) on the conflicting day that Jesse Ryder had to New Zealand Cricket's new goldenboy Martin Guptill.

It ends with a very good question:

In 10 years, will Ryder have piled up a dozen test hundreds and be one of our finest batsmen?

Or will he be a footnote in cricket history, whose name will evoke a mix of sniggers and sadly-shaking heads at a wasted opportunity?

Guptill is younger than Ryder and doesn't need babysitting.

Ryder needs the help not of NZ Cricket but of his family and inparticular his friends. He's a fabulous cricketing talent but if his family and friends are true cricket fans and supportive of the now grown-up man, surely they should intervene and tell him he is turning into a National joke? His father is both a cricketing fan and a big drinker, Ryder Jnr has to get over it and own up to being an adult capable of making his own decisions.

I found this picture on the internet

And this one

Believe it or not, they are of the same man. The one on top was before he ate both the pies and the kegs that went with the pies.

I guess what pisses off most Black Caps fans is that he's just so bloody good. He will probably pick up a huge IPL contract, but it's going to mean nothing if he spends it on more pies and kegs. And I forget .... hookers.

So rather than write another shitty blog post written by someone who has never smashed a cricket ball about a thousandth of the skill of who they are bagging, lets make a suggestion of how he fixes things.

Around 100 kilos ago he was quite a handsome young man. What Ryder needs is a woman so we can discover the man at the top of your screens. Not a maladjusted twitty bimbo or cricket groupie, but one of those babysitting clingy types who is comfortable that he clearly is as dumb as f**k, who will run around after him 24/7 and tell him he's fabulous and doesn't need alcohol to be fun, cool and talk to others. In other words a mousey-housewife who wishes to marry, have kids and settle down living her life through her husband. I've described well over 70% of the female population so it shouldn't be too hard.

NZ Cricket should put their energy not into pleading with other more mature Black Caps to babysit him, but they should be placing an advertisement for him at a dating agency.

Poems By Brew

Bridget Saunders blog has a contributor called Brew. He's generally of the ilk of Insolent Prick (RIP). Sarcastic, up-himself but fabulously entertaining. Today he posted a response in response to a nice post by Bridget. I shall reproduce Brew's poem as it's really quite marvellous and sums up why I have and never will post on the subject of what's going on in Gaza.

Stupid people - By brew

72 virgins await,

we must use Jews as the bait

They blow up our kids

Because they are yids

They defend their unholy state

True hero’s we’ve been of late

We shoot from our hospital’s gate

Women and children get hit

The UN has a fit

But we think it’s bloody great

We don’t like women anyway

No way will we let them have a say

Not worthy enough are they to pray

Human shields they will be every day

The might brave Jews can’t get enough

So brave, it’s kids that shoot their stuff

And the kids will die every summer cause

God can’t help Dumb and Dumber

The Arabs and Jews need each other

Both are stupid motherf*****s

This war is soo boring

The whole world is snoring

They should nuke each other to space

xx

Naming Rights

Unfortunately parents get to choose their children's names.

I will say that the unwashed beneficiary classes are better than the middle classes in New Zealand at one thing so categorically that we don't even need a scoreboard.

Stupid names for children.

Remember how we cringed when credible overseas wires picked up the name Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. And further investigation picked up on other fabulously stupid names such as Violence; Number 16 Bus Shelter; Midnight Chardonnay; Benson and Hedges (twins).

Today we hear of another - Zealand-New, well to be precise Zealand-New Sharron Phyllis Atareta Davoren



This name is just so categorically stupid that the poor child has no chance in life really. What were they thinking? Corporate sponsorship?

20 year old mother, beneficiary Tomicina says on Grandma's chosen name for the child

"She was just playing around with names and it just popped into her head," Ms Davoren said. "It's different. I like being out there."

Isn't it fabulous what just pops into the head of the great unwashed.? Lucky the poor child did not end up with:

Benny-Fishery
TV-Sky
Chips-Fish
Welfare-Social
House-State
P

I suppose names like the following wouldn't have popped into Granny's head

Ed Ucation
Dux
Em Ployment
Indy Pendence
Success

Law makers can interfere with stupid names that will handicap a child and they have blocked Yeah Detroit; Stallion; Twisty Poi; Keenan Got Lucy; Sex Fruit; Fat Boy; Cinderella Beauty Blossom; Fish and Chips (twins) .

So the story goes on with more fantastic information for working for families proponents and just to wind Oswald Bastable and Lindsay Mitchell up even more.

Ms Davoren and Mr Te Moni, who live separately, named their other three children Rlexus Toara Chantz Te Moni, 4, Mikaere Morgan Te Moni, 2, and Korizma-Lake Vonnita Manaaki Te Moni, 1.

Quick - tie ALL tubes before she gets another cent.

Who Cares If He Tokes Up?

Stupid law



Paraplegic takes dope for his own pain control. Call the FBI, CIA and NZ Police.

Lawyer Andrew Blair said Coote had been prescribed methadone for pain relief but was unhappy with the side effects. He had substituted marijuana which he used to buy until deciding to grow his own.

Paralysed from about the mid chest down, his client was due to go to Auckland's Otara spinal unit in a month or two to see if his pain could be managed better.

Mr Blair said Coote's two teenage children lived with him, the elder one as his primary caregiver.

This guy's life couldn't possibly be shittier. Paralysed ten years ago at age 38 and dependent on his teenage children to look after him. I ask why on EARTH did the Pigs charge him in the first place so a Judge had no option but to sentence him for breaking the law?

I am not necessarily in favour of letting everyone legally use the weed as the world is already full of stupid, slow thinking morons. But here we are talking about a medicinal purpose. And a desperate guy living a life far shittier than most of the rest of us.

The law is wrong. The Police were wankers for not turning a blind eye.

So now I suppose they expect him to go back on that lovely safe methadone and get addicted to that costing the taxpayer thousands instead of doing some nice home-grown weed?

Men of Cricket

Yum. Just got this in the mail from SOC (sister of Cactus). It's only alright to send me Christmas presents late when they are fucking excellent.

This one is fucking excellent.



Legendary fast bowler and good bloke, Glenn McGrath's wife sadly died of cancer and the Australian boys decided to do a Men of Cricket calender similar to the League one. I do recall pulling the Men of League one apart one year and sprinkling it all over the PwC office cubicles much to the delight of the boys who could use it as an argument that they could do likewise with girls.

Features follow:

1. I am glad Matthew Hayden is in the calendar but only at the back with a narrative about the calendar.
2. I am glad Ricky Ponting did not feature.
3. Why couldn't Michael Clarke take his shirt off? And have photoshopped out those stupid tatts?
4. This is the most you will see of Shane Watson this summer so enjoy it.
5. I may have to re-write the staff manual allowing me to put objects on the wall of my office.
6. Simon Katich needs a chest wax.
7. Shaun Marsh way hotter than his father.
8. Scott Brant or Michael Klim?
9. Mitchell Johnson (above) is seriously hot.
10. Could NZ pull such a calendar out? You never know what's under all the clothing that cricketers have to wear.

Little Wonder They Are Losing The War

Words or actions?

The soldier prince pours shame on the Royal Family as he calls an Asian squaddie “our little Paki friend” and tells another officer cadet jokingly wearing a camouflage veil off duty: “F*** me, you look like a raghead”—an offensive term for an Arab.

The Poms are getting all fussed up about Prince Harry insulting a "Paki" for referring to a colleague with that simple term and use of the term "raghead" in a private video shot with his blokey army buddies in 2006.

Sure Harry is a little dickhead with Prince Philipesque ability to stuff things up, but:

Lets put it into perspective, is name calling more offensive than sending Harry off trained to kill those people? Britons are happy he's of potentially blowing their heads off....but let rain pour down in the desert before he's allowed to call them names.

I imagine those he's fighting are calling his family and Grandmother, far worse names than "paki" and "raghead".

Banker Speak

I know a few recently hammered city bankers. Generally they are good people, into donating to charity and helping people, not nearly as right-wing as I am. However recent events have made them hardened. They care not so much about losing their huge bonuses, but the animosity towards their profession, jealousy towards them and that everyone seems to be toasting their failure. It's turned them into fabulous drinking company.

On Friday one gloriously toasted possibly the last bottle of Dom Perignon he could afford for a while and said

"Fuck 'em. We WILL be back. Next time, bigger than ever".

And that is now the attitude, that they will rise again and next time they will be even bigger c***s than before.

Until then as a group worldwide they will send luxury goods into recession, service workers into unemployment, restaurants under, working class cleaners, waiters, hotel, airline and private schools into random rapid decline.

We compiled a list of all services that the four of us drinking at the table had cut back on recently (two inparticular spend an absolute fortune):

Maids
Taxis and limo services
Tailoring service
Drycleaning
Restaurants and tips
Spas/salons and hairdressers
School fees (changed kids schools)
Hotels and holidays
Downgraded from first class to business (the two basically live in first class)
Massage services
Tittie bars (the two mentioned above fund I imagine several women and their Filipino families for years in one visit)

You may laugh but think of all the little midgets working in these industries who will now lose their jobs because the big spenders have cut back.

I feel a lesson for those who celebrate the demise of the wealth big-spender is upon us.

Trickle down means these big spenders own plenty of your existences and it's about to become a whole lot harder as they not only tighten their belts but temporarily move into smaller pants.

Trailer Trash For Life!

Lauaki appeared before Auckland District Court on New Year's Day, charged with intentionally damaging three windows and a television at the Greenlane Motor Inn, opposite the Ellerslie Racecourse.

A source told the Herald on Sunday the couple arrived at 5.50am and Lauaki paid for a ground-floor unit. Soon after staff heard raised voices and windows being smashed.

Okay, went out on New Years, got trashed, checked into seedy motel. Girlfriend told him he was disgusting and smelt like a brewery. He goes mental.

a) with the sort of $ he's on what on earth is he doing in the Greenlane Motor Inn?

b) why does a woman tell a man they are going to leave him while he's pissed and it's 5.50am?

c) was the girl really his girlfriend?

Again, I ask is the man drought THIS bad that a guy this stupid and fugly can pull a chick? Any chick?

Being single is WAY cooler.

Veitch Delay

Undue Delay

While not a fan of Veitch or condoning what he is alleged to have done to his ex-girlfriend you have to ask just what kind of nonsense it is to delay his trial possibly to 2011?

Last time I checked the Bill of Rights 1990, section 25(b) stated that "Everyone who is charged with an offence has, in relation to the determination of the charge, the following minimum rights:

The right to be tried without undue delay".

Clearly this is not happening in Veitch's case and his lawyers should do their job promptly and make the necessary applications under the Bill of Rights to have the case either heard or thrown out altogether or there is a seriously good chance he won't be around to be involved given his obviously tragic and desperate state of mind.

In my view he's serving a sentence at present far worse than a short stint in jail. Let him have his day in court and get on with his life once he's been formally judged.

Martin Guptill

Sinclair gets 2 more runs than I thought he would ....but

What about this guy?

Whatever rock they found him under, the NZ selectors should have another look to see if there are any more. That was a sensational introduction.

New Zealand's Common Sense Summer

1. Don't walk through clear DOC safety barriers DUMB

2. Don't squeeze a dog's testicles DUMB

3. Don't cook with hot oil unattended and without smoke alarms installed DUMB

4. Don't swim at dangerous beaches after lifeguards have gone home DUMB

5. Don't leave 2 1/2 year olds unattended near water DUMB

Wireless Wonders

In Hong Kong we have the Telecom equivalent, PCCW. They control the broadband/TV packages and if you thought Telecom were bad, try this.

They are famous for predatory sales tactics, so when I wanted to upgrade my 24/7 broadband of $218 a month with wireless there are 2 packages, $18 a month extra for home wireless or $38 for wireless anywhere. I never take my laptop around the streets so only wanted the home package. I emailed asking for this and have a discussion in writing with a sales midget.

I thought I had signed up for the $18 package when the technician came to instal it, didn't sign anything regarding pricing, then I received a letter to go pick up my receiver for the $38 package.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to get through on the helpline and speak with a human being, there is a loop system which selects options that almost always give loud voice recordings ALWAYS trying to sell you something you don't need. I email the midgets and they call you back eventually.

So I got the pushiest midget imaginable who yelled at me that I had ordered the $38 package with a commitment period of 36 months. Interesting as I never commit to anything past 12 months by policy so I know he's telling pork. I ask for proof of this and he tells me there is a voice recording of the phone call I made ordering the service. Interesting, so I ask for a copy of the recording and he refuses to provide it to me. I instruct him that I have in writing that I only ordered the $18 package. So now I seem stuck with the $38 package I don't need and unable to actually cancel it without paying out the full contractual 36 month period.

I ask to speak to his manager, no manager on duty. I ask the number of the PCCW legal department. The midget doesn't know. But I shall find out and be drafting a very stern letter. It's not about the extra $20 a month for 3 years.....as it would be for a young student or lower incomed victim of such a scam......they've just pissed me off for their lies.

Movie Review - Australia

"I can't look at this movie and be proud of what I've done. I sat there, and I looked at Keith and went, 'Am I any good in this movie?"

No.

Review over.




Dedicated to Joblogs

Facebook Faux Pas

It seems that the 45+ males that I associate with are all getting Facebook. I have received four requests recently from married men I have at one point been loosely associated with.

Rule number 1 of Facebook - NEVER accept as Facebook friends ANY person you have had a naughty with if one of you has a Partner. I have not had sexual relations with ANY of my facebook friends, apart from one and that was so long ago I think Bolger was still Prime Minister, and he was single so it definitely doesn't count.

ALL of these men (slap) wishing to link as friends have members of their family linked as well as at least a few random looking youngish women, who I would pick with my expert eye as potentials for wifey asking more questions about.

How long do ya' think it will be before wifey starts digging into your Facebook profile and interrogating you on who that girl in the bikini is? Or the one with her tongue poking out? Or with a provocative tee-shirt on?

Dumb.

So you are all totally declined. With the suggestion you purge your friends lists immediately before wifey finds them first and you have some explaining to do.

Weird Children

Doesn't the dude know that marriage means no more sex with other girls?

I blame the sister in the middle. Looks like a troublemaker to me just aiming for a threesome.

Little Mika will grow up wishing he took the chance with sisters when it was clearly offered at age 6. SOC (sister of Cactus) and I have found the idea increasingly revolting as we have got older and this tends to be the norm.

You Might Be Rich But Your Paper Is Shit

As sketched below I shall share a few thoughts about the once fabulous NBR that now resembles online something that sixth formers could produce in their spare time after Economics and English class.

Back in the glory days

I recall the glory days of the NBR. Where men were men and wrote like it. And junior members of the PwC tax team would fight over the Partner's copy of the paper before the grumpy old prick got back from his long Friday lunch. Now the paper appears stacked with namby pamby anonymous wet journalist graduates and converts to the secret society of Columnists Anonymous.

Unless I am missing something in the print version that is not online, from an outsider's view, NBR is the organ of its Master Barry Colman and always has been. This is a man of utmost fine taste when it comes to automobiles, wine and property. So it is with compulsion that his paper represents his being. Barry is now ready for a large testosterone injection, if the paper is anything to go by.

NBR is now the place you go to have a look at what has already happened from sources that have already reported the news. The columnists represent the finest in white, middle class male mediocrity...and Hazel Phillips, who does a great job delivering some actual original news around town wrapped up in gossip. The simple fact that Ben Thomas is still on the website despite as we all know actually leaving the "firm" to work as a Press Secretary, says it all. BT filed his last online column on 17th November. You also know it sucks when your staff that you have hyper-promoted to head the division leave to work in politics and not PR. There is nothing logical in that decision other than they wish to leave the yacht that has no sails.

The Opinion section produces head shots of the columnists dressed in suits. In the 15 years I have known David Farrar, I have never seen him in a bloody suit and David Cohen looks like an Undertaker in his. Please let me know if ANY of the columnists actually wear suits to work during the day. They don't I imagine. So who are you kidding?

Plenty of now fabulous PR people and journos have cut their teeth working at the NBR. The emphasis on the word "have". Click on the contacts site and you will see that make-up on their staff. Say who are established journos with the skills that this entails? Rob Hosking qualifies, Cohen is not terrible. But there seems to be more sooky advertising executive contacts than actual heavy-duty reporting contacts. Telling really.

If you had a story in business to break, who from this list would you contact trusting that they could understand and report the pertinent issues?

The most appealing thing about the NBR site is the link to the lovely Colman centrepiece for a tax break advertising it's "availability for use", the MV Liberte, where if I click on cuisine I find that for an undisclosed, no doubt large fee I can devour "Crispy Peking Duck with hoisin & cucumber in a wonton basket" on the vessel. Possibly my favourite dish ever. Although the "Crayfish, Prawn, Oyster & Seafood platter available in season" looks delicious. More delicious than the rest of the fare on the site.

Barry Colman is a discerning gentleman with a gob for claiming he does things well. His track record in business is unquestionable and with it highly profitable. Because of these traits and achievements, plenty in New Zealand are shit scared to tell him that his organ is now complete and utter pants. Every former member of staff will not comment regarding the current state of the paper, they shy away into their drinks and talk about the fabulous times they had working at the paper. Not being one, I say right now...Barry your organ is now pants and do something about it.

New Zealand desperately needs a heavy hitting major business weekly independent from the major dailies owned and operated by an owner with balls and real fire. If you are going to go, then go big. This was Colman. He claims to have bought a private plane when airlines kept confiscating his nail scissors. That's the sort of "fuck you" big thinking required again.

Colman should either inject some real cash and pizazz that we know he has into the production, get some heavy duty reporters and columnists with similar briefs, even write a weekly column himself to show he cares, or sell it up to someone younger, poorer with the necessary drive who gives a flying f**k so BC can go retire playing tennis with a mosquito racket with all his rich buddies counting down the rest of his years reflecting on how good they were.

Garth George Needs Sectioning

Garth George is over

I used to enjoy reading Garth George's gruff old rantings. But he's just gone over the top on this one.

I was going to dedicate this week to examining why despite the fact Barry Colman is rich, his newspaper now totally sucks and the highlight among a sea of white, male middle aged on-line columnists and "reporters" is the lone female who writes the advertising gossip column.

Instead I have to write that Garth has finally lost it.

He's calling here for tighter controls on alcohol, increased taxes and warnings of the effects of alcohol.

Have a look at Garth's face



Here's a man who must have sunk his fair share of piss trying to ruin it for the rest of us. So I say STFU and let us have our medicinal shots of alcohol.

It is alcohol that makes me appreciate the essence of Garth. Uncontrollable rantings by a well meaning old fuddy.

There is a line Old Man and you have just crossed it.

You belong in Bali with an attitude like this.

Financial Crisis Victim

I am now officially a victim of the financial crisis.

As I live an outrageously unstable and nomadic life, the only person suitable to keep me company is someone as equally outrageously unstable and nomadic existence. So I found one.

Went out a couple of times to get on the lash, managed to make it to 10pm both times before one or other of our Blackberry's went off and rushed time zoned calls had to be made. We even tried to hook up at lunchtime, express lunch menu of course as the Blackberry called one or the other away. In the past 3 months there has only been twelve days when we have actually been in the same country.

So OUM (outrageously unstable man) works in M&A (mergers and acquisitions), not exactly a growth industry in any area of the world at the moment other than the Middle East.

He's in China presently as he has been for the past couple of weeks working, so I open up the mail and flick through a locally produced magazine for a law association I am a member of. On the last page is an advertisement announcing new appointments.

Looks like he's being transferred to Saudi Arabia.

Hilarious as he claims not to have known it was finalised himself yet but it's either that move or unemployment which in this market for M&A is not an optimal outcome.

Saudi, shan't be visiting anytime soon then!

New Zealand's Death Beaches

Sad news today that the Warriors will be looking for a new utility forward with the news that young Sonny Fai was swept away at Bethells Beach.

There have been a few other drownings and near misses as is usual this time of year, has anyone asked the question:

Are New Zealand's beaches just too dangerous to swim in?

I know it's a nancy question but after a bit of world travel I realised very quickly that:

1. New Zealand's beaches have some of the coldest water for some of the hottest air temperatures in the world.
2. Most parts of the world, the locals wouldn't dream of swimming in surf as rough as what New Zealand's beaches produce.

In the Caribbean the water is a crystal clear and perfectly flat, calm 25 degrees minimum. Lovely to swim in. But even then the locals are careful not to go out too far. They scream at their children if they go out any further than waist high.

I can't remember the last time I swam in the ocean in New Zealand. It was possibly at Waihi Beach when I was in my early teens. A rite of passage of a New Zealand kid seems to be being thrown in the surf, holding an adults hand screaming at the waves until you are used to the surf. I recall the water was bloody cold, the sand swept the beach with windy cold gusts and stuck to you and most of the day you spent huddled up in the sand dunes with sand in your ear. There were a few near misses where you saw other children, if not sometimes yourself being held under by large breaking waves and the odd rip.

In New Zealand the statistics heavily reflect someone selfless and heroic like Fai who seems to be the one trying to save others from drowning.

Often the statistics in New Zealand are dominated by Maori (26% in 2007) and Pacific Islanders (10% in 2007). Some are ill-prepared boaties. Those who believe "no worries mate, it will be alright, know this area like the back of my hand".

You won't see many Asians swimming. They hate the cold and the waves. They only account for 3% of drowning deaths in 2007.

Of course the argument is that millions of New Zealanders will swim in the ocean and survive. Surf lifeguards keep the beaches safe and why ruin it for the rest?

Fine, but I don't think New Zealanders still realise just how dangerous having a swim in the ocean really is. Especially when it's mixed with male chauvinistic bravado, alcohol, distractions of children and inflatable devices that quickly see people swept out further than they can swim back.

It's a total case for personal responsibility and that for your children.

As for me, West Coast Auckland beaches such as Piha and Bethells are lovely to visit and look at, but stuff swimming in them. Give me a private (heated) pool for that any day.

Random Impertinent Questions

1. If it is true and i-pods and cellphones actually can interfere with aircraft electronics, then why hasn't Al-Qaeda simply used i-pods and cellphones to bring down a plane?

2. Why do you have to put your handbag and items in the overhead bin when you are sitting up front in a plane and it's not an exit row?

3. Why do business class flatbed have to be in an upright position on landing? Would have thought you'd have a better chance of surviving a crash if you were lying feet first flat down.

4. Why in safety demonstrations there isn't an instruction that the best emergency exit is the bloody great hole in the middle of the plane?

5. Shouldn't it be illegal to serve food in an aircraft such as spicy stuff that causes flatulence?

This Is How We Roll In China

Off with her head.

This is Tian Wenhua, Chairman and GM of Sanlu, the firm that stuck melamine in milk and killed babies that Fonterra had a share in.

Fonterra could do well to just STFU (shut the fuck up).

China rolls a little differently to the West. Her trial will be as farcical as her alleged original actions.

It doesn't matter what happened, under Chinese custom as a leader she will assume responsibility and face consequences.

I imagine the blokes at Fonterra will feel slight unease that corporate responsibility is taken so far...and by a chick. It is likely she will be executed.

This "utu" then somehow makes up for what happened, compensation will be offered that would not match that of the average New Zealand weekly wage...........and business will continue.

Noise Cancelling Headphones

Dear Readers

I have decided for my own sanity to invest in some of these. Headphones and/or ear phones. Within reason, price is not an issue as I consider them a matter of OSH proportions given the level the i-pod needs to be turned up to walk the mean polluted streets and high-pitched Chinese squawking.

I want noise-cancelling qualities second to none.

I'm not interested in links to website reviews as they are all written by public relations companies, please advise as to your own experiences of what to buy and not to buy based on what you own.

Thanks
Cactus.

At last II!

A good week to be really old. This lady was rumoured to be 115.

Another one down

80 is an optimal age, anything over that and you are being punished.

Walking for Woofters

The few friends of mine who are seriously and (I think totally) madly into climbing and hiking will have a fit when they read this, but I like the idea.

Posh tramping

I don't mind the walking part, what I do mind is staying in shitty accommodation, having to carry things on your back, eating bad food, not being able to shower, blisters on feet, smelly and wet clothes and sleeping bags.

So eliminate all of the above and this whole tramping thing I don't find so life threatening.

Well, you are ferried to the start of the four-day walk by boat. Your pack is transported by water taxi each day so you walk without extra weight. Lunch is cut for you. And, best of all, you stay in a resort every night with clean beds, delicious cooked meals and a bar serving cold beer and great wines to revive a weary walker.

Fabulous.

But no mention of massage. To put my hand up for this I would require a daily massage for 70 kms of walking in four days

I've always thought that voluntarily walking in putrid conditions for no other reason than to see scenery that you can watch a DVD of, is rather stupid. But posh tramping will open up a whole new world for people who like me have a mental block in doing something that competes with lying in a deck chair getting hammered on cocktails and champagne for your holiday.

I'm still not volunteering, but if there was a hot bloke to give the daily massage I could seriously consider it.

Swing Low Bent Chariot

This is Danny Cipriani. England's answer to Daniel Carter.

If Carter wore that outfit, he'd be laughed out of even Auckland. It's too gay for even a gay man.

England rugby.

Low Tax and Leaders Pay

A list has been compiled of political leaders pay. John Key rates highly on it. But so do the leaders of Hong Kong and Singapore.

And guess what?

No one in Hong Kong or Singapore seem to think it is that big a deal. And why?

Because we all pay comparably tiny rates of tax compared with other countries on this list.

I agree that John Key appears to be completely overpaid based on these figures given the size of the economy and population of New Zealand. To be that close to Kevin Rudd is ridiculous for a nation where it's people on average earn far less than Australians.

But forget Key at the top of the Wellington remuneration food chain.

This has a flow on effect that Cabinet Ministers, Ministers, MP's AND all those tin-pot bureaucrats in Wellington will all be comparably overpaid as well.

Never fear, I am sure Sir Roger was working Christmas Day, as he always has done, to come up with a plan.