Dominion Post Column - 16th October

Indepth Male Candidate Analysis Election '08

When boredom sets in at a meeting I admit I start examining the physical attractiveness of men present for my amusement. Well, this election campaign has been so dull that pre-November 8th rigor mortis has set in so I will turn my attention to whether there are any male candidates worthy of attention. Plenty of male political commentators make snide remarks about physical qualities of female candidates; well the results are about as dire showing a dearth of male hotties lining up for their boxes to be ticked. If you thought The Soper Syndrome made “objects in the rear view mirror look hotter than they are”, our media men are Absolute Adonis’s in comparison.

I will first mention Rodney Hide scrubs up sharply these days. If for no other reason he will never talk to me again if I omitted him from this column.

courtesy John Ansell

Fertile father of seven, Shane Jones is a “magnetic speaker” according to a friend. Shane is a blend of Pakeha, Maori, Dalmatian and Welsh. Little wonder he’s good at breeding, fishing and talking.



If you want a bit of rough Hone Harawira is for you. His future is so bright that he wears shades inside. Hone comes with a product warning as his Ma is Titewhai and his wife Hilda looks stauncher than Beth Heke. Like Jones he stopped at no less than seven children.



The National Party boast Temuera Morrison stand-in, rugby player Paul Quinn. Paul may be replacing former heart-throb Murray McCully on more than the Parliamentary Rugger team.



Nathan Guy is 37 years old and National’s Senior Whip.



That in itself conjures up fabulous images about the man’s abilities. Problem with Nathan is he lost Otaki to a Ginga in Darren Hughes, the oldest thirty year old in New Zealand.



Russel Norman is a Ginga who has done rather well too hook himself a hot bird and plaster his relationship all over a Sunday paper.



The most interesting Greens candidate is international maitre’d Irishman Shane Gallagher.



If you like small squeaky midgets resembling Verne Troyer then Ron Mark possibly appeals.


Stuart Nash is not a blood relative of Sir Walter and with a list ranking of 36 may find himself left-right-out again.



If you want true Kiwi dynasty, then Chris Tremain is good looking, helps low-income families into housing and as a triathlete has an impressive upper torso in a t-shirt.



Likewise fair headed, twinkly eyed Todd “Boris” McClay who has a background in the diplomatic service and a famous Daddy.



Some good-looking men standing for Parliament are openly homosexual. It’s typical isn’t it? Thick set mysteriously charming Charles Chauvel lists in his achievements as “opening a new park in Korokoro”. Perhaps not something a Rainbow MP should be championing.



Chris Finlayson doesn’t actually believe in the term “marriage” for homosexuals which sits well with my philosophy of not burdening marriage on anyone, gay or straight. Chris listens to Beethoven’s Seventh Symphony so I am relieved that he is closed to the female form.



Labour’s Wellington Central candidate Grant Robertson bares a striking resemblance to that of a former object of my affection, so I have to include him as a notably good looking man.



The battle of the best looking candidate must come down to youth with Simon Bridges from National and Anti-anti smacking campaign organizer Mitch Lees from the Libertarianz.



The issue I have with Simon is one that many men have with very good looking women. He looks far better than he sounds. Still, just his presence will confuse the elderly in Tauranga to vote him in landslide style over Winston Peters, the ageing wounded former winner of any discussion about good-looking political candidates.

Arise Simon, before I lose all attention and nod off to sleep.