UnNetwork Me

They say a big part of any profession is marketing and networking yourself. A year ago I stood like a robotic Asian two-handed card vending machine, looked the next person coming over in the eye and saw right through the back of their head.

A fuse broke. I was networked out. I excused myself to go to the ladies room, took a sharp right to the exit and have not returned to another work function since. My liver, cholesterol, waist line and kidneys thank me every day.

Excessive bouts of social networking is generally the scourge of the useless and incompetent.

Anyone in my profession who is any good, doesn't need to go find clients. Clients find them. I contemplated this thought in a taxi on the way home for about the fiftieth similar time in a calendar year and realised, I don't have to do this anymore. This is a job for salespeople and those who enjoy the sound of their own voice. Which I actually don't, contrary to popular opinion based on my writing, socially I am very quiet, controlled and sometimes sarcastically measured. While I will offend people socially, it tends not to be so random and definitely not as "loud" as it is presented in writing. That is, I am not a screamer.

It took many years to realise my chief selling point in the profession is my officially acknowledged inherent lack of any charm whatsoever. It makes dealing with regulatory authorities all the more effective.

The same people attend these "networking" events over and over. I was collecting the same name cards. All awfully nice people at these functions. But anyone can do nice for a couple of hours. Professional competence is far more important and there appeared to be a negative correlation between attendance at these functions and actual respect I had for these people as professionals once I learned more about them and read their work.

So after another year where I have been more successful financially than I have ever been when I deliberately networked, I ask:

Will the new trend be one of UnNetworking?

Is it time to now let your work speak for itself rather than the social bullshit? I think it is. Even the prospect of free food and champagne will not guarantee my attendance at anything these days.

Peeling back the layer upon layer of these social get-togethers, does anything of substance get created once everyone knows everyone else? Are these functions just a work creation scheme for the sales, marketing and PR industry who organise these events? The hypists who feed off people like me getting together in one room and meeting?

Let me go through the common motions and what they mean in networking:

Question: So how is business?

This is definitely a lead in to scope and psyche out your competition or spot a business opportunity. Problem is if you have noticed, NO ONE ever answers with "It's bloody terrible, I am sitting on my arse all day, the economy is rubbish?". Answers range from "fine", to the extreme rant about how fabulous they are and how positive the economy is. Dropping in if they are aggressive, all sorts of negative hits such as "There's work out there if you go find it". well, we all know this is true. There's no need to have a superiority complex by stating the obvious.

Human nature is that no one wants to tell strangers in a social situation that business is crap and they are going down the gurgler. Confidence breeds confidence remember. Because you never get to know anyone on a more than superficial level when out at these events, first impressions of success are important, if not the only thing they remember.

Question: Are you enjoying your job?

Here is the "passion" question. If you are unlucky enough to meet one of these people they will again psyche themselves into believing their job is wonderful, their business is great and they have never been happier. People will indulge you in how wonderful their assignments are, how huge the deals are that they are cutting and that they "luuuurve" living and life.

When a lawyer, accountant or broker tells me how passionate they are about their job I know they are selling me a whole pile of shoddy shite. Not many of us are passionate about our job. We are passionate about the money it makes us and how devious, cunning and combative we are allowed to be in our job. That's not passion about our job. I have been known to answer this question with a simple, "No I hate it", which stuns the questioner who then tries the ultimate psyche out (as most likely they want your job) "so why don't you quit?", to which you can respond "I am making more money that I ever bloody dreamed of". That person will soon disappear. Well, perhaps not in Hong Kong where they will crassly ask you how much money you are making. Thing is, I am so passionate about my job/career and business that if someone offered me enough money such that I could quit, would I take it and go lie on a beach? You bet ya!

Question: Oh there's XYZ {insert name of important/wealthy person}?

This is the classic name drop which is encouraging or enticing you to then answer back as to whether you know them well enough to introduce this sucker to them. Even if you know them, you should remain silent. Or better still, pretend not to know them. This person is a classic by-the-book social leacher and you have caught them in the middle of spreading their tentacles all over the testicles and tits of others in the room.

Question: Do you have children?

A perfectly obvious question for most but a lead in to hoping that you have a point of commonality they can then expose and profit from. Of course if your kids go to the same school you must be a decent chap/ess!

One woman was silly enough to tell another she had just been to the Doctor that day and was pregnant. Amidst the congratulations and my left ear flapping, I spotted a perfect opportunity to go pinch all her clients that require a constant personal service. Answering that question in the circumstance cost her company rather dearly.

Question: What do you think of the XYZ judgment/article?

A leading question again. Be careful of answering such as a lawyer especially. Chances are whoever is asking it is after free advice or ideas as even suits are generally not sad enough to discuss actual cases or articles over cocktail networking. Learned this the hard way when I read my own opinion given on the unnecessary protectionalistic expense involved in tax-efficient structuring in Jersey printed almost in fine detail in an academic article written by a clerk of an opposing firm.

Question: Can we get a photograph of the two of you?

Always decline. There is a reason for this and it is not vanity. Unless you know the person or people you are standing with intimately, there is never an upside to photographs at social functions when you are a professional. So many times respected professionals in my industry have been caught in pose standing next to some grinning idiot who attended a function and was done later for tax fraud, money laundering or general stealing of OPM (other people's money). Guess which photo ends up uncropped in The Daily Mirror? So many sharks are in my industry who are sales muppets and their modus operandi is to attend functions and be photographed with as many people as possible that they can use in their glossy brochures for credibility. These photographs end up on the desk of Securities Commissions and Revenue Authorities all over the world.

Keyword: "Darling"
Recommended action: Duck and run to the other side of the room. They have forgotten your name.

Keyword: "Securities and Exchange Commission"
Recommended action: Leave function. Anyone dumb enough to mutter this terminology publicly is too damaging to be in the same room as you are.

Keyword: "Louis Vuitton"
Recommended action: Only acceptable if you are at Louis Vuitton function. If not, then you are about to enter a discussion about handbags. Interesting one this. If you can stomach listening to their next great purchase then do so, if not then rub your hand over the zipper of the bag and mutter in a low but not too low voice, "Oh, that's such a wonderful fake, where did you get it?".

Keyword: "Mortgage" or "Property"
Recommended action: A year ago, I would have run, but now with interest rates heading into double digits, great time to disclose you are mortgage free, or pander to the keyword and ask about the other person's financing. Chances are they will be the ones running to the toilets.

Keyword: "Above market return"
Recommended action: Stick around, person is likely to be either a broker selling a junk bond who can regale how stupid others are. Or far more fun, someone peddling how great their latest junk bond purchase has been.

The Future

Organised social networking has done its day and will continue to be the domain of the useless and industry PR professional who offs themself on the size of their contact lists rather than the quality of those on the list. People are far too conscious of their leisure time now to bother, as a rule you can't smoke, drink too much or do drugs, so I ask where is the fun? What is the purpose? I would rather invite people I know to dinner and ask them to bring a person who suits my requirements for a business referral. I will never meet and analyse that person at a cocktail function for reasons I have outlined.

The internet may also have killed large social networking. It's too easy to communicate with others by email, internet and randomly these days to attend functions. If you write something that's good in your profession, people read it online. Knowledge is too easily shared to bother with gossip at these events either. You can judge how another professional works by the kind of email they send back and the speed in which an answer is given. These are unmeasurable over a cocktail function.

That is, if we require the services of other professionals we have better ways of doing it.

Go forth and UnNetwork of the sake of your own sanity.