O For Orgasm II

Can't even turn yourself on?

Today’s www.stuff.co.nz headline ratings confirmed what we already know. People are fascinated by orgasms. It’s a top rater so forgive me for delving into decidedly despicably dirty discussion regarding. Following on from the last time out:

Not wanting to boast but single women have more orgasms than our partnered female friends. Haha.

Sex therapists claim that without men, women “better connect with themselves”. They also conclude in research that 56 per cent of sexually active women with no current partner could orgasm every time with masturbation compared with only 24 per cent of women with partners.

Such claims are quite staggering for two reasons.

First up I find it impossible to believe there are 44 percent of single women who cannot orgasm every time they masturbate. I ask what the hell are they doing? It’s not that bloody hard as unlike men we are not continually struck down with the stiff need to relieve such stress. If you cannot turn yourself into a molten pile of sweaty mash then you might as well check into the local Convent and hand in your “women cards” right now. I hasten to add that the inability to orgasm through masturbation could be the reason that this 44 per cent of single women are actually single in the first place for they are possibly the sort of woman that lies on her back and looks past a throbbing erect {R18} up at the ceiling and counts that as sex. If you don’t want yourself and have sufficient technique to operate your own equipment then how on earth are you going to manage that of another human being?

The mechanics of the female orgasm make it harder to achieve with solely external stimulation. It is therefore embarrassing to think that single women are not even connecting with themselves properly.

The second staggering claim is that of arousal and that women “better connect with themselves”. I would have thought that was plainly obvious. For all of us have more experience with our own clitoris than any man. Dr Howard (obviously some kind of married sexual prude) again on arousal:

"Arousal is a lot about what erotic thoughts go through the mind, and for women that's very different to men," Dr Howard said.

"It may be focusing on Colin Firth's smouldering eyes, some romantic novel or a waterfall or whatever."

Colin Firth, romantic novels or waterfalls?

What kind of field testing has this silly bint actually undergone? I can just imagine talking dirty on the phone to a male of my choice and the conversation going something like this:

Man: “Where is your hand now?”
Woman: “I have my fingers in and they are moving slowly around and feeling …{R18}..”
Man: “What are you thinking of when you do this?”
Woman: “A waterfall”.

How sexy. Talk to your husband or partner like that and the only call he will be making is a bootie call to one of his single girlfriends.

The only correct answer is:

Man: “Where is your hand now?”
Woman: “I have my fingers in and they are moving slowly around and feeling ….{R18}...”
Man: “What are you thinking of when you do this?”
Woman: “Your hard, throbbing large …{R18} and how much I would like it right {R18}”.

That will earn you a call back.

“Dr Howard said she believed women on their own were better at achieving orgasm because they don't have the "distraction" of having to please a man or subscribe to male-type sexual fantasies.’

Any woman who believes a male is ever a “distraction” in a sexual context is obviously either legitimately a lesbian or completely stupid to not realize they have obviously been schooled in sexual intercourse by reading prose written by or listening to women (possibly married ones) who don’t want any competition.

While masturbation is in general sometimes an entirely selfish exercise aimed entirely at yourself, it need not be. There are positive externalities to your selfishness.

Not a lot turns a man on more than being able to watch you do it.