O For Orgasm

Orgasm Studies

Well....now that got your attention there is immense pressure to deliver, not to disappoint. Fortunately unlike The Yankees, I deliver best under pressure.

This is a core Asian Invasion issue really. Sex and wastage of fiscal resources, all wrapped into one. The irony will not be lost on you that I have come rather late for this debate. Been busy you see. Mind not on the job. Not really that interested. Felt a headache coming on.

It all started when a team including Annamarie Jagose, an associate professor of media studies, and curiously a writer of fiction, was given (euphemistically they say "granted") a cool hard $465,000 to study aspects of sex. Some of this money she was given will go to study orgasm, albeit the nastiest beast of all - the fake orgasm.

Without going into too many gory details because it's a family show, I believe women fake orgasm for two reasons:

1. They are inherently dishonest.
2. They have poor communications and relations with men.

You won't get this sort of precise fiscally restrained reasoning from Jagose, who seems to be of the persuasion of women that prefer the company of other women. As I have limited sadomasocistic tendencies, I have not extensively read Jagose's work, however based on the fact she appears to be a card carrying member of women who prefer the horizontal company of other women, I say why on earth is she being paid to comment about faking orgasms?

Indeed this woman appears to have created an entire career in writing about topics and lecturing on them that really do not mean a great deal to mankind. She has excelled merely in overcomplicating the simple act of fucking or making love and turning it into something that no one can really enjoy without having to think of every possible academic angle, and better still - paying her to study it.

Some things in life just need theory left at the door and instinct to take over.

I am a staunch advocate against faking orgasms and have never done so myself. All women who fake orgasm submit a great disservice to all other women. They are the enemy. Whereby a man cannot so simply fake their definitive ending of the act as there is usually substantive product at the end of the process, women have the power to end sexual intercourse whenever they like by pretending they are satisified with an orgasm. The male of the species then thinks by the unspoken signal that he has done a great job and so lets himself go and the act is prematurely ended.

Rather like students with the current politically unchallenging NCEA system, the worst part is that the man could be completely and utterly inadequate and he goes off in life happily thinking he is better than he is merely because the woman has responded with an apparent Academy Award winning performance of enjoyment and satisfaction. He then repeats his supporting act on the next female and so on....

This is why a great deal of the male youth of today think that sticking the old fellow in missionary and pumping 100 times at 100 beats per minute is acceptable. Women have pretended to orgasm on this just to get the man to stop because it's oh so bloody awful. This may just be the ultimate in betrayal between the sexes. It is why also a lesbian should never be paid any money to study faking orgasms. It's about as silly as Cactus Kate being paid to study monogamy for the alleged benefit of married women.

In fact, yes I suspect a conspiracy alot larger than Jagose being on the panel that gave out the money. Lesbian women are going to study fake orgasms in order to ruin sex for all men. Yes it's all a cunning plan. As a group in society due to their extensive bilateral knowledge of the 18 yard box, lesbians I suspect have absolutely no problem getting all attempts on target in the orgasm department. Possibly to the point where in the end it is all rather dull and so they shave their heads, grow hairs under their arms, rear goats and wear short sleeved Summit shirts in order to scare off all men and entertain themselves that they are some kind of master group in society because they know the secrets of the female orgasm. They are going to simply conclude like famine, disease, war and capitalism that faking orgasm is entirely the MAN'S fault.

Let me beat them to it with a simple explanation of the applied science of orgasm.

I watch porn. I will happily admit to it. I have watched a wide variety of the stuff, right up to gay male porn and not ONE porn sex scene I have seen I could confidently think as a woman I would gain a legitimate orgasm from should a man have performed such an act on myself. Most of it is quite laughable, including the foreplay and especially the dialogue of course. The orgasms that the female actors are faking are so hilarious that I sometimes think I am watching the Jerry Springer show than soft core porn because in real life it is just SO not like that.

So why do women fake orgasm?

Most women automatically assume a man knows precisely how to make them orgasm. Men don't and necessarily they shouldn't. If men watch too much porn (which you will be surprised at how many do) they will have absolutely no earthly clue. The younger they are the less idea they will have. The longer they have been married, the greater chance they would have forgotten anyway. The reason for this is that unlike same sex female couples that Jagose specialises in, men do not have the advantage of using the equipment themselves. If men could all be women for a day I am sure all this would change. But they can't. Poor buggers.

Sex is the ultimate in communication between the genders. It's alot easier biologically I am told for the woman to make the man excitable than the other way around. This has also been my practical experience, I have never had much of a problem operating the male instrument. It does not even need an instructional manual, the mechanics are pretty simple if he is not drug or alcohol impaired. If in doubt simply bite the male nipples. Therefore the onus really is on women to lead the dance somewhat and make the man 100% sure of what works for her, because like a really testing exam - answers will vary.

Being "good" in bed may not necessarily lead to a woman having an earth moving orgasm all the time. In fact some women can be sexually satisfied without orgasm. Again, so I am told. Women enjoy different things than men when performing sexual acts. The basics are though pretty much the same.

When I meet a man who is brilliantly talented in bed, I know it is for but one reason - he has had sex in the past with a woman who has communicated precisely what she likes and acted like a sex instructor and delivered him the best possible education around. Someone has treated him to something that porn, books and computers cannot. He has been instructed and is completely open to direction the first few times before he tries to ad lib on his own. Frequently when I am cheeky I ask about the identity of this new superhero of mine at the end of the act. In every instance the man has been able to identify the woman by name, rank and serial number. One woman in Auckland I have plenty to thank for if I ever meet her. She's been mentioned twice. She's either a complete and utter legend, a male friendly bisexual or......... a hooker. Her Directorial skills outperform James Cameron, Spielberg and Peter Jackson combined.

Quite simply rather than Jagose allowed to steal the half mill as it's all here on this blog and in Wikipedia anyway, the money would be better spent on an education campaign telling women to be more open about what they do like (left, right, down, harder, softer, longer...) so the poor chaps don't have to keep fumbling around in the dark trying to guess what puts a smile on her dial.

It's called being open and honest. No amount of money though seems to be able to successfully promote that most deep, complex and challenging of academic theories.