My Property World - Book Review

Facing an eleven hour flight with a ridiculous three hours check in time and queues (why Auckland? why?) I feel the need sometimes to buy books. As all forms of taxation in my view is completely idiotic and not wanting to pay GST on the books, I go through customs and buy them tax free. I read most 2-300 page books in under 3 hours so reading becomes an expensive habit and I limit consumption. I also have a much larger problem with storing these books due to my mobile lifestyle. A friend with a large bookshelf has become a beneficiary and a driving force behind my airline collection.

Returning to work after a break, I felt in a suitable mood for inspiration and so decided on Bob Jones’ latest “My Property World” as the beneficiary of my reading collection would like that one as well. I was struck by its awe inspiring cover. In case anyone is too thick to pick it up – I mean that completely sarcastically. Gold with the ugliest picture of buildings imaginable from Sydney’s CBD.

Now if Bob Jones and Cactus ever met there would inevitably be a fight as we gave each other shit. Jones does not care much for: lippy women with anything other than zero body fat; or those with an intellect higher than the much fawning sycophantic Deborah Coddington-Carruthers. Cactus does not care much for difficult, ugly, bald, arrogant men older than her father. As Bob gets continually more difficult, ugly, balding, aged and decrepit I would have backed myself six months ago to smash him to a pulp. However since commencing my boot camp style training regime and with a resulting bulk loss, I would have to say the balding cringing old coot that is Jones would quite possibly take me out in the third round. He may possibly now be distracted by my tits and upper body form so I would have to sucker punch him early on to have any show.

Bob Jones is an energetic enigma from NZ retro 80’s funk busi-political culture. There is something about him that is just completely likeable. I think it is because he is such a complete and utter arrogant piece of arse…..but so self deprecatingly amusing, that you cannot help but think he is okay. That is, if they made trading cards of 1987 crash victims and heroes, Bob’s card would be holding it’s value nicely.

I am reminded of a reasonably “unread” friend of mine (no not me, actually someone else…) who slept with a notable NZ author. He gave her an autographed copy of his latest book as a farewell present the next morning. She slept with another author several months later after his book launch and likewise this author did the same without prompting. I am sure though that Bob would have far too much style to ever in his literary career entertain such a Lower Hutt form of self-promotion.

I have not read the complete Jones collection and am no Coddington-Carruthers styled sycophant, however I recall my first foray into Jones, “The Author” through “Letters”. I was asked to do some research on Donna Awatere-Huata for her book “My Journey” and I came across a letter from Wi Huata wanting funding from Jones. I would not do it justice if I recalled the letter here so I invite you to go find a copy of it and read the letter, Jones’ reply and the context given the Huata’s recent problems. It is at the back of one of the “Letters” books from memory. On having a giggle with some of the ACT hierarchy regarding, I think hindsight being a wonderful thing and all but they should have known better just from this letter. I giggle more that none of the lazy mainstream media picked up on this little gem in reporting the downfalls of the Huata’s.

“My Property World” is not meant to be a text book, it is not meant to be a guide. It expands on the very amazingly interesting principle that you buy quality commercial property and hold it long term you cannot lose as it holds its value and has an income stream to boot. Duh…. Of course if everyone has enough money and backing then you cannot miss on this guiding principle, which is exactly why the rich get richer. Problem is people overextend and have to liquidate these assets. Jones pretty much concludes these are the people who are idiots and not worthy to lick his shoes.

The book has no worth if this is all you read into it. It was definitely not the reason I bought the book and chose to spend a few hours of my life that I can never get back, reading it. Jones is a completely self absorbed character, which is exactly what you want in a book where you think beyond the box and get to the heart of the matter. He uses the fact he knows a bit about property as the academic base of his book and then in the remaining two hundred and forty odd pages moves completely off topic to show us how witty, smart and entertaining he can be about……pretty much everything else. This is why I paid $31.06 ($34.95 less GST). Jones admits upfront he wrote the book only to entertain himself. Such sporadic honesty is refreshing in an author. Especially a very rich old one.

There are these little gems, none of which will breach the copyright stipulation “except for the purposes of fair reviewing” as I am very fair to the point of being blonde:

1. Why women do not succeed in business as well as men:

“[The lack of progression]…was attributable to women refusing to linger after hours, drinking and talking – and of course inadvertently learning….But I’ve long since given up trying to get our female managers to participate, “Oh, I’d love to, but I promised……” comes out every time. We just don’t bother asking any more and leave them to their self-imposed glass ceilings”.

I completely agree here with Jones and have previously touted this view myself. The best advice and guidance given to most employees by their seniors is after hours when the senior is pissed and therefore does not necessarily see the junior as competition. Women do not attend these function as Jones puts it, they always have an excuse. Most of these excuses revolve around of course….having to accommodate their boyfriends, parents, pets or husbands. I refuse to make such accommodations. Which would explain why I am still single and not pregnant and baking cakes at home and shopping at Pumpkin Patch (What is up with that store anyway)? I prefer to go out drinking and picking up these necessary career and life tips than with any boyfriend. Boyfriends are for the weekends.

2. On wage slaves:

“Do less and think more and in the process make every post a winning post”.

Here is another valuable piece of advice and a theme through the book. I was inspired to end my career as a legal cum bean counter at Pricks With Calculators upon meeting such another extremely wealthy, prima facie arrogant and yet remarkably successful individual in a situation under 1. Barry Colman quite harshly and savagely put me in my place and told me that I would never get anywhere waiting in line with hundreds of others for a chance to be a Partner in a firm that services and runs around looking after people like Jones and himself. He used several expletives in description that I won’t repeat. In other words, if you are that smart, run along and ignore working directly for rich people completing rigorously academically challenging tasks because you won’t become rich or happy doing that. All you do is make them rich and happy and you do all the academically challenging stuff. My interest in becoming a Senior Prick with a Calculator and subsequent career within it completely diminished after ten minutes with Barry and I owe him a debt of gratitude for the fact I am not still chained face down to an open plan desk in an undersized cubicle, in an Auckland office tower overlooking the waterfront, counting and examining and advising on beans for rich people.

3. On idiots:

“…But over-governed Australia is forever creating new laws to protect the gullible. It’s a pointless exercise because, like the poor, the gullible will always be with us and nothing can save them from their own stupidity, other than compulsory sterilisation to prevent future generations of dummies arising”.

Undegreed Jones specialises in making glib passing comments pointed at the ineptitude of some University graduates he has come across. Jones is also frequent proponent of the idea that University is a waste of valuable time for most people. I tend to agree and feel the need sometimes to write to Auckland University for a refund on the majority of my five years of degrees. Jones wrote a book about this apparently “Degrees for Everyone”. I am yet to read it but he reminds me in this book of a few of his past writings just in case I feel the need to hunt them down.

4. On AMP:

Refer Chapter 10 anecdotal where Jones and Ron Brierley are having dinner at a Sydney restaurant night in night out and pay the boss’s son, not to sing. Brierley had to make a tough business decision where he was receiving conflicting advice. In the end after a few dinners, Brierley called for Champagne as he had in the end simply asked who the vendor in the deal was. “AMP”. So he shouted the order to “buy, buy, buy”. Such was the calamity of the organisation at the time it seems that the tactic was to do the exact opposite to AMP. This strategy seemed to make them both very wealthy.

5. On cellphones:

“I do not understand, to the point of bafflement, why people carry telephones around with them for commercial purposes….I always ask these types, do you carry a portable toilet about and, if not, why not? They respond that is in an emergency they need a toilet they will find one. I say that if an emergency arises and they need a phone they’ll find one”.

6. On beards and secretaries:

Jones hates beards. Funny, given he produces pictures in the book where he is bearded. “Note the embarrassing beard”, “Still bloody bearded”. It is obviously the part of his life he regrets the most, growing a beard.

He also has a special dislike for the “underpaid Charlene’s” of the corporate world who sit at receptions and wear sunglasses over their head. There is a lovely anecdote as to why one was wearing sunglasses that had oversized lenses. She told Jones they were made to sit on her head. Priceless as he tried to understand the younger generation.

7. On open plan offices:

“Just as children of today are told horror stories about small boys in Victorian times being employed as sweeps and climbing down chimneys to clean them, so too future generations of children may well listen wide-eyed as they’re told about the sardine tin, open-plan work environment of the current era”.

Another brilliant observation from JonesWorld. Employees want a nice office environment. Pricks with Calculators brought in open plan and the result was horrid. Managers sitting with Juniors, constant noise, constant aggro. How you are supposed to churn out quality academically challenging work in a battery hen farm environment I have no idea. The only people who like open plan offices are employees who come to work to socialise. Give me an office or I do not take the job.

8. Olly Newland is a twat:

“Some are rather pathetic, such as the woeful effort by the failed Auckland investor Ollie Newland, who tried for a time to eke out a living presenting himself as a scholar (a humiliating sketch of himself in Ancient Greek robes holding a scroll), and when that faded, offered “personal mentoring” no less. That’s desperation stuff and a bit like Osama bin Laden offering a pork cooking course”.

Blatant male bitchiness with anti-Arab sentiment. Love it.

9. On Gyms:

Having instigated a “no loud music” policy in a gym operating from one of his buildings, “one woman wrote complaining because we wouldn’t allow the background racket of Negroes snarling, which is apparently standard in gymnasiums”…..Jones replied that mental health was important to attendees as much as physical health and “Without this Negro bawling din…who knows, thinking could take place”.

Once again, I agree and it is the primary reason I choose not to go to the gym and have my own stylish collection of 1000 favourite songs on my personal i-pod nano as I walk the mean streets for fitness. Of course this has nothing to do with the only thing I hate more than having to exercise, is having to pay and queue up for exercise. Gyms are for morons, poseurs and people with no self-discipline to do what they should be doing, simply getting on some running gear and running or power walking the streets.

10. On Young Couples:

“Precisely why young couples are deserving of special consideration is never pointed out…Young couples have no greater moral claim to housing than they have to a year long world trip honeymoon at the taxpayers’ expense”.

Agreed. I am sick to the stomach at the thought of the taxpayer giving away money to people just because they are young and have decided to get married. Chances are they will be young and divorced in several years anyway. Single people (and homosexuals) are essentially propping them up.

Summary:

Jones claims to have written this book as he was bored trapped on his property in a yearly “Once in 50 years” end of year storm. This being the case then I hope he was trapped again last year as he is always an entertaining and educational read. Even if it has absolutely nothing to do with how to get rich from property. I shall definitely be adding more Jones to my airline collection.