Ngai Tahu Flog Off More Land Than Westpac To Foreigners

Ngai Tgahu know all about asset sales so should be supporting National's privatisation programme. Here are just two recent examples of Maori more than happy to flog off their assets to foreigners who need OIO approvals.

In 2010 they sold 1348 hectares in Kaikoura to an American couple for 7.5 million dollars. They paid 8 million dollars so made a $500,000 loss.

In 2011 they sold 18,000 hectares of forest to a Swiss owned family company for 22.9 million dollars. And continue to manage it. Alf Grumble reported it at the time on his blog noting the hypocrisy and lies of Tuku Morgan in relation to asset sales. Ngai Tahu sold this land under the euphemism of a "change in investment strategy". National are having that same change in investment strategy selling stakes in SOE's.

“Iwi won’t sell and the investment is intergenerational,” Morgan says.

What ballocks.

The Westpac farms were just under 8,000 hectares. So Maori have already sold in one deal more than twice the land area of the Westpac farms and its export cash flows in forestry.

Now Maori wish to construct an argument that National's privatisation programme cannot go ahead because of the SOE Act due to a conflict with Treaty Principles. More taking of the piss.

Selling assets to locals and foreigners seems to be completely in line with Maori principles of making profit or a loss when inept, for themselves. Ngai Tahu have proven that Maori principles are to sell when it suits them.

Another example of Maori completely taking the piss for their own commercial ends.

No one need think Maori are not immune from selling their precious taonga when required. And there is nothing wrong with this, just don't hide behind the skirt of our Queen Elizabeth and some loosely interpreted Treaty principles when the Crown wishes to do likewise to pay for things like schools, health and a legacy of years of over-spending on welfare on a feral heaving pathetic underclass.

Book Review - Taking It From Behind

Blogging has evolved over the years. I've had offers of many free things: CD's, electronics, party invites, discounts, food, alcohol and most pleasurably sex from readers but never in a zillion years did I think I would be offered a book to review on the four letter "a" word. No I can't publish it here.

No one would believe me if I said I was otherwise randomly asked to review a book by American author Dr Sadie Allison on "the under-explored seat of love". Of course I was always going to accept the challenge of reviewing "Tickle My Tush" despite blushing and giggling all day when sent the email invitation from her publicist. Others seem to have been as well and like pussies turned down the challenge. I received a fridge magnet too however I didn't think of Cheryl Cole's best almost gay friend while reading. Unlike this slowie I didn't require two sittings, I swung through the book in my lunchtime in the most unromantic of places in the world - the office.

Looking at the Doc's credits she holds a Doctorate in Human Sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Many men I've met in bars at 3am claim similar credentials. She has been on most advanced American talkshows. Except Oprah. Which is a compliment really as the only backwards motion Oprah appears to want to endorse is the naming of her production company.

My comfort zone really is in her earlier title "Tickle His Pickle". I wished the Good Doc had sent that first to ease me into it her karma sutra style of sex education. Tickle My Tush is literally a very tough, bottom-clenching little book exposing what Dr Sadie terms politely ones "penetration inhibition".

A wise friend tried to talk me out of it on the basis reviewing the book wasn't part of my brand. She was outvoted by my blog target audience of advanced middle aged men thinking it was a fabulous idea as long as I sent them the book once I was done. For their wives and/or girlfriends of course.

A copy of the book is being sent to Auckland for passing round forthwith. Gentlemen please be careful not to glue the pages together.

I'm not the only woman to flinch at the mention of the "a" word. I am taken back to a time at school where one particularly adventurous otherwise very attractive and lithe girl partook in the practice and was immediately nicknamed "Backdoor Pam" when the then love of her life blurted to everyone in the community he'd performed the act. At that point onwards, like agreeing to a sex video or nude pics only to have ex-boyfriends post online, bad publicity resulted always from being known as performing the act. Male discretion could never be guaranteed.

I have had several men at times in my life bravely suggest that I may enjoy it. Like I wouldn't have offered if I actually thought I would. Ironically always the ones more genetically blessed. I suggested back to those men that they may enjoy it as well. A conversation ender if ever there was one.

The cry of "Come on, up the botty, no children!" was the rumoured pitch from a to be unnamed Aucklander. Another declares in favour saying "Eight more muscles and four degrees warmer!". I am not sure even after reading Tickle my Tush cover to cover if that's celsius of fahrenheit. Then there's the infamous cry overheard by a neighbour from a lady to another less salubrious loud-mouthed type of "oh ****** not the broomhandle". The legends of men pleading for it are plentiful.

Amazing how women are expected to enjoy it, yet straight men get a leave pass on an "ick" basis. Same hole, same purpose, same mechanics. Yet only one gender in the heterosexual community is expected to take it there. Dr Sadie says homosexuality is judged not by whether you receive this pleasure but the gender of your partner. Hence a section on women with a device giving their bloke a good seeing to. "The pleasures you seek are right behind you" another of Dr Sadie's catch-cries. "It only hurts the first time" from a man's mouth doesn't translate into the poor wee dear happily lining up for just a finger for his own prostate check does it? It is a hard sell.

Dr Sadie writes a humorous often corny yet structured account of a deconstructed subject including female on male action. She works through the above apprehensions that I have exhibited here and provides another angle on them. Rear-entry if you like.

Despite her protestations it reads like a sex manual. By about page 78 and the zillionth reminder of the importance of lubricants I'm thinking the whole act is all a bit complicated and requiring much too thought and pre-planning. The section on STD warnings is very American and the disclaimer at the front of the book even more so. I looked for the disclaimer and legal work to sign before I could actually go to the next page.

I did learn an exciting new word "shejaculation". In intimate diagrammatical detail we are shown where a man's prostate is. I am sure sometime in the next 20-30 years this will be critically important in my personal development.

The problem with the practice is that without accessories like a rear view mirror, as a woman you only get that one angle. Dr Sadie gives us a back seat in the bus and compiles what I describe as the male perspective written by a woman. Yes, a male begging a woman to try the unspeakable.

I can't say Dr Sadie has converted my mindset into believing next to Lawn Bowls and Golf, that backdoor would be a suitable regular casual recreational pursuit for women under the age of enjoying perpetual knitting.

But each to their own and if you are in a relationship and already bored witless with missionary or explored every Karma Sutra front position imaginable then buying this book would seem a logical next step before either breaking-up or getting a Mistress or Toyboy. Or perhaps all of the above.

In any instance Dr Sadie has books for that as well in her empire. All small enough to read in bed. Together.

And the best part? What I can really thank the Doctor for.

I got to the end of the book, unclenched the cheeks as I closed the book and felt fabulously prudish and virginal.

Then went back to the computer to reading pages of disclosure notes in annual accounts reviewing tax reconciliations.

Inequality Examples They Won't Mention

I have just finished watching the most epic of tennis matches ever.

Did you know that the winner of The Australian Open Novak Djokovic of Serbia but living as a tax exile in Monaco is paid 110 times more than a first round loser in the tournament?

I bet they didn't discuss this inequality at Davos in Switzerland over the week and send out calls to Occupy Rod Laver Arena.

The 1% inequality myth can only be sold when the big guy can be painted as a hate figure. Sports such as basketball, football and baseball have had such massive inequality for years, however because the best paid persons are not all necessarily white old men in suits - no one wants to demonise them.

Athletes are a great example to discuss the other side of the debate. More than 99% of us will never play professional sport because we are not born with the right attributes. No amount of training can make someone into a world class athlete if they don't have a high base to work from. And even if a person is there is massive differences in skill levels and talent at even the highest levels of sports. It is the genetic luck of the draw in most cases.

Djokovic responded in a fashion that explains inequality perfectly after working more than five hours.

He is better than everyone else and bloody deserves it. That's all that needs to be said. Yes it is unfair he is so good but so what?

Woeful Choice For Privatisation Stooge

This has to be the worst appointment of the year already. Maui Street has already opined and I agree with him from different views. Morgan is a concerned Maori against asset sales and I am a concerned supporter of the asset sales wishing for the process to be expedited and run smoothly enough so it can even be expanded to include such cash cows as Landcorp.

Wira Gardiner is an unusual creature I have examined before when he was entertaining an equally stupid idea that he could be National Party President. He threw his toys after a day, perhaps this is a backhander to invite him back into their trough? To marry an MP can be brushed off as a school girl or school boy mistake because they are all dastardly difficult and absent creatures. To turn around and volunteer to do it twice makes you insane or on the pull for the bonuses attached to it - government jobs.

Which is why appointing Wira Gardiner to broker talks with Maori about asset sales is a shocker from a non-Maori perspective. Having Tuku Morgan even mentioned in the same breath is an equal shocker.

We understand Maori views on asset sales perfectly. Hui isn't required. And really it matters stuff all what Maori think of asset sales because they didn't come out and vote against them in November last year, they sat on their couches watching the world go by. There are three groups.

a) Most Maori won't have a clue what is happening as they are nicely purposely disenfranchised by their Iwi.

b) Maori where Iwi have already spent their Treaty Settlement monies will be against the sales.

b) Maori where they are in a brotocracy position and can see the benefit if their Iwi can buy in. In other words - they are in it for their own benefit. Just like everyone else.

All will give reasons of assets being sacred to them as indigenous people while at the same time Ngai Tahu just last year flogged off some of their precious land to foreigners. We will all gush with their faux concern at asset ownership then roll our eyes as Maori take the piss yet again.

Appointing the husband of not just an MP but a Cabinet Minister is atrocious and already undermines the credibility of the process. It puts Hekia Parata in a conflict of interest and potentially damages her politically, it puts Gardiner himself in the same conflict.

A facilitator of anything has to be seen to be neutral. There can be no less neutral facilitator than one married to a now senior member of the very political party seeking views of others.

An effective Labour opposition would already be all over this.

Selling The Westpac Farms

Some may call them the Crafar farms but that is horribly misleading. The Crafar's never owned them, like some $NZ47 billion of New Zealand's rural sector, the offshore banks do.

An idiot of a banker let some backward hicks run up $200 million of debt. Looking at a Clampett of a family is it surprising that some massively undereducated naive fools actually failed in this large business using OPM(other people's money)? How was this meant to turn out other than tears before bedtime? Loaning that much money to such unsophisticated brain matter based on volatile dairy pricing models and rank parcels of land.

I have posted enough in this debate if you go through my archives but I will leave you with this.

Among the special conditions of the OIO approval to the new buyers is this

* Help Landcorp to extend its business and market its products in China.

This has me laughing out loudly and fearful all at once.

Let us take a step back and ask, what exactly is Landcorp? Here it has jumped in to assist an OIO bid against the Faynau low-ball bid.

What business will it have in China? I shudder when I see New Zealand private enterprise in China with pipe dreams as to how easy it is. An SOE by definition is a far less capable business model. It is hard enough for Landcorp to run an effective model in a country they have full knowledge of.

Landcorp should be flogged off in John Key's privatization plan with all farms tagged for private sale. With some $1.6 billion dollars of land in an SOE is a huge valuation distortion in the market.

While trumpeting a $42.2 million net profit in 2011 (just some 2.6% on assets - less than interest in a bank), major changes in livestock and forestry valuations with the volatility that brings seem to be the main contributor making the actual trading returns even worse.

Landcorp is merely a proponent of state housing for farms. Even in a good year its net profit is less than 3% on its assets. The doyenne of the pro-farming blogging community Mrs Homepaddock thinks the return is tits.

Quite what Landcorp thinks it can achieve doing business in China? Hell it needs to learn how to make profits above interest rates in New Zealand first.

There is little reason to keep it.

All that is is achieving right now is a low return for taxpayers and like the nations state housing stock does for homebuyers, keeps farm prices artificially high..

The Hypocrisy of Bernard Hickey

I have just about had enough of Bernard Hickey's strange chino-xenophobic rants loosely based on an economic reality obtained by channelling corporate welfarists like Selwyn Pellett and buddy Gareth Morgan.

From his piece today

The only way to end our addiction to overspending is to throw out the enablers of foreign borrowing and selling assets to foreign interests.

Hmm....the only way?

That's like saying the only way people addicted to shoving pies in their gobs can lose weight is by having their stomach size reduced with a taxpayer funded stomach stapling operation. Deborah Coddington went through this problem in detail today in the same rag.

How about New Zealanders learn to eat less?......Of middle and lower class welfare spending, paying ferals to breed and corporate welfare for his sensitive new age corporate confidants who suddenly find worth in hugging a nationalistic front so they can benefit for their own pockets.

One that made his millions to build a business by being a shareholder in a company that was sold to a large nasty multinational company owned by some Australians including worse still Dr Evil himself Rupert Murdoch. Yes Kiwibank would not have bought Morgan's Kiwisaver without his history having profited from "selling assets to foreign interests". Sending the profits offshore in exactly the same circumstances as selling a bunch of overpriced, undercapitalized farms. Fairfax can host Trademe offshore on any server they like in the world whenever they like. And outsource Labour. The Chinese can't take the Westpac land away.

There is no such thing as a nice businessman. Let us get that straight. Witness how the most Green loving turn when the chips are down and the environment is too costly on profit margins to save. Or evil people get when they are owed money and the squeeze goes on their business. If you own a business or are a shareholder you have a sole responsibility to maximize profits to yourself and other shareholders. Until you have enough money, relax and don't have to worry about it anymore.

At that point you cease to become a true businessman and turn into a philanthropist in some ritual cleansing exercise brought about by reading too much of wailers like Hickey to expunge the "evil of their dirty money".

The difference between a Michael Fay and the new age businessmen of corporate welfare who Hickey hugs to death is that Michael has not yet schooled himself on or cares about philanthropy.

Tweets From NYC

Real. And an endorsement for the i-phone all at once.

See the Texts from NYC are real after all.

Thankfully Julia Wasn't Wearing Louboutin's

This is a shot of Julia Gillard being rescued after falling over due to running from the baying mob of heaving pathetic tent-pitching underclass and random shit-stirrers in Australia.

All Tony Abbott said that is was time for a bunch of squatters to leave after FORTY years!! His words were "time to move on". Hardly inflammatory.

Already the underclass and their supporters are spinning like tops through social media.

"We didn't know she was in the building"

"We didn't mean for her to be involved"

Bottom line is this is why there is no such thing as a guaranteed peaceful protest. When you get a mob of people together things are always unpredictable. Their entire purpose is to intimidate in numbers with charging, shouting actions. If you haven't seen one in real life I suggest visiting even a small protest in New Zealand. Here is a report from the Occupy protest that I witnessed. The columnist took poetic license as I maintain that he was in fact the one who baited the crowd.

Sue Bradford for example has mastered the art of being non-intimidating and polite. She even comes over and chats to the various right-wingers around at the time. The rag tag bunch that she leads however have no such grace. Any slight deflection from Sue's command and it would turn into a shit fight.

Today the Aborigine ferals and their masters went out looking for a fight.

Earlier today one of the tent embassy's founders, Michael Anderson, addressed a rally at the site.

"To hell with the government and the courts in this country. You haven't got a high hope to take us on," he said.

"We will force these issues. Too many of our families have suffered for some bastard to get in the road."

These are not peaceful words. No courts, no government so the only words are violent barbaric ones.

They will get zero sympathy in Australia for their thuggish actions. I predict Abbott's polling will go up as he told it like it is. Although Gillard was gracious in ensuring Abbott shared her security detail as shown in this clip.

I am no fan of Julia Gillard but for a woman to be scared of her safety such that she panics and her reasonably flat shoe falls off, is disgusting. I would say the same if it was Helen Clark and I will say it for Gillard.

Update - own goal. It appears one of Gillard's staff tipped off the protestors that Abbott would be in the building, therefore responsible for endangering the Boss if you are not going to blame the ferals outside. Fired. But will they be re-hired later?

Ashleymadison.com Review

Found this gem of a website Ashleymadison.com which encourages hook-ups for married persons wishing to enjoy casual sex. They came out with a survey in New Zealand about what sort of person cheats.

A reasonable sample survey has given me enough data to comment on what sort of man is a cheater:

National voter - only small sample size here due as I find most too left wing

Owns a PC - most own Apple now. Or are too old to use a computer.

Meat Eater - definitely, vegetarians don't even deserve a wife.

Has a tattoo - only one of those.

Smokes - never gone near a married man who was a smoker.

Christian - as I never discuss religion, pretty hard to tell however none seem too devote else assume they wouldn't come near me.

Fairly inaccurate I would say. Although it has been 18 months or more I think, since I went near a married man so am out of practice somewhat.

Ashleymadison.com doesn't seem to have come to Hong Kong yet. But I tried it for research purposes signing up to the New Zealand site as I am sure many did today.

Conclusion:

Totally fucked up. Sorry, not my thing and I cringed through it. It is like a smorgasbord of persons promoting themselves with complete and utter bullshit. It is worse than the lies someone will spout at a bar. Most people have an ambition ability gap and hello - men without their shirts on as their profile shot....unless you are Sonny Bill, just don't.

Limits? Anything goes....Jesus. Of course it doesn't. And if it does, perhaps not cool.

Swingers. No, there is a difference between someone who doesn't care that their partner is already married and a fucking swinger.

No fun if there is permission granted. Never understood swinging.

"Just an average Kiwi guy" - yeah, who wants to root around on their wife.

"Being a little older, am at a point of life where "it is not all about me". As much if not more pleasure comes with working with a lady to achieve a physical high for her" - yeah, your wife doesn't put out anymore does she? So it really is all about you.

"Older men take more time" - really?

"I live in Auckland but Travel to Napier regular. Want a no strings relationship.Live and work at home so am available during day if interested in just sex. Very up front with what I want.And I think I have as much chance of anyone replying to this add as flying to the moon next week". - at least realistic, although Virgin flies to the moon now.

"Discreet lover" - hello, your picture is on an internet dating site and you claim to be married!!

A BBC? That's like another language. I found a hell of a lot of new acronyms. Didn't understand most of them. Then I put my dirty thoughts cap on and googled and found the real meaning of BBC. Jesus wept. NSA? An Accounting firm where I am from.

Conventional Sex, Light Kinky Fun, Curious - Domination, Fetishes, Spanking, Blindfolding, Experimenting with Tantric Sex, Erotic Tickling, Experimenting with Sex Toys, Threesome, One-Night Stands, Open to Experimentation, Erotic Movies, Aggressiveness, Gentleness, Good with Your Hands, Sensual Massage, Extended Foreplay/Teasing, Likes to Give Oral Sex, Likes to Receive Oral Sex, Lots of Stamina, Kissing, Cuddling & Hugging, Sharing Fantasies, Sex Talk

Looking for discrete fun with those who like a BBC. I can be very unselfish in bed and satisfy you multiple times while holding back. Have a few kamasutra techniques up my sleeve too!

Yeah we get the picture - you are a dirty root bag. If you were a woman you would be called a slut.

The winner goes to the man spiky_one who proclaims "& I like 2 eat pussy". Gee thanks for that.

One man's picture is of his behind with his hand in his pockets wearing suit pants and business shirt.

Some are just confused. Do you drink or not. You can't even tell the truth about that.

Travel, Fine Dining/Candle Lit Dinners, Cooking/Barbequing, Physical Fitness, Cottage Country, Boating, The Outdoors/Nature, Romantic Walks, Long Drives, Wine Tasting, I Do Not Drink, I Am a Social Drinker

What I cannot understand is openly married men using their own pictures! Surely not. I am quite mortified at their stupidity. Ditto picturing yourself in undies in front of the mirror. Bad.

I have never quite understood internet dating/rooting.

Then it happened. As you were all expecting.

I found an ex of mine on it. Who either has the dumbest or most understanding wife in the world. #winning

New Zealand v Hong Kong Residency And Political Paranoia

I have been following the colourful case of Kim Dotcom from afar and want to deliver a new perspective on it from the screeds already published in New Zealand. I wish to focus on this concept of residency and compare and contrast attitudes in the media and in politics to a case like Kim Dotcom.

I shall start from the premise that Kim is a total utter nutcase. Quite clearly slightly unhinged and eccentric as hell. He lives on another planet and makes Gareth Morgan look like a strong stable quiet individual. However none of the above should affect judgment on this case. Living in a region that is poorly served with legitimately available purchases of songs and DVD's (we have no iTunes or Apple TV devices available and movie releases in the theatre are months behind) I have some sympathy with the services provided by Megaupload to those who used it. If we can't buy it on a timely basis, pirating is the only way you can get your hands on it.

Kim has Hong Kong residency. A subject I know a bit about because next week I have made the seven year mark working in Hong Kong so qualify to apply for a permanent ID card and therefore have the right to live here without requiring a work permit. I will earn mine by physically working from a base here for seven years and being able to prove to authorities I have enough money to support myself and therefore not take welfare, health or education tax dollars. Mine will be a permanent residency.

There is another way to get residency in Hong Kong which I assume Kim took. That of the capital investment entrant scheme. After seven years under this scheme he could apply for what I am doing to gain permanent residency.



The most important here for our discussion is (d) - have no adverse record in both Hong Kong AND country/region or residence. Here is the declaration on the application form which would also include relevant background checks. It covers "elsewhere" so Germany:




Here are the stats on the scheme, most applicants are Chinese and plenty get turned away. Some 23% of the total were declined and 33% of foreign nationals. That is - money alone doesn't buy you a slot.



Applications can be declined without even a reason given. A final test of good character is usual in this and Hong Kong has a procedure here for declining without lawful reason and I guess even appeal.



And lying means the residency disappears.



New Zealand has a similar process of checks on applicants. Added to these checks, Hong Kong already made the checks on Kim Dotcom and he was granted residency here so New Zealand authorities could gain some comfort in that. That is another jurisdiction with a record of declining the applications of 1 in 3 foreign applicants passed him clean with the same background checks.

So the difference in New Zealand and Hong Kong

New Zealand
- sensationalist media coverage
- confusion between tests for OIO and residency
- Labour trying to make political mileage out of it
- NZ First trying to resurrect their support base with it
- calls for an inquiry
- public happy with compliance with US authorities demands
- talks of revoking residency

Hong Kong
- silent politicians
- barely made a ripple in the media
- public couldn't care less
- no one in the media or public has even questioned revoking his residency
- iTunes store doesn't even allow you in HK to legitimately buy music and movies, there is no Apple TV devices available for sale. Television shows are a mile behind the rest of the world and movies are released here months even after New Zealand
- Life goes on

As I have said many times, I do wonder about the health of New Zealand media and political obsession with such sensationalism when 6 nights out of 7 the leading headlines on the nightly news appear to be stories about weather.



And Labour should be a little more humble about the Kim Dotcom case. I recall Bill Liu, Whaleoil's expose, Liu's multiple identities and donations to the Labour Party. So will frontbenchers David Cunliffe and Shane Jones they will never forget Bill Liu. Neither will all Labour MP's old enough to have been around to facilitate the disaster.

Those who live in glasshouses should not be throwing rocks.

Auditors Put An End To Union Lies

Ports of Auckland Fact Sheet - Ernst and Young

On December 2nd I published these figures after I requested them from Ports of Auckland.

The Stranded cried that the figures are wrong and launched personal attacks behind their shield of anonymity on everyone who dared question their Union mates.

On January 11th I suggested a recount based on Peter Kiely and Mike Williams and Waitakere.




The Ports of Auckland have done better.

Today they published a press release stating that Ernst & Young have audited the figures as correct. Here is the summary.




Team VRWC of Farrar, Whaleoil and myself have been vindicated and The Stranded and their Union mates look like a wet pack of lying sooks spreading misinformation. And still they keep spinning in the face of a big four audit.

Thanks to our team of VRWC blogs doing the job of journalists while our little paid press petals put their feet up in the wet that was the New Zealand summer, Unions can no longer run public misinformation campaigns of propaganda and smear in order to bring the public on their side.

Parsloe is whining that our actions are political, well of course they are bloody political. He's created a political shit storm, tried to bring Labour into it. Funded the Labour Party with his mates, and what does he expect now MUNZ are plain dirty liars? Does he expect the pro-employer hard right (and David Farrar) to sit back and take his shit? The mainstream media have created a gap in the marketplace because they are all still on holiday and we've filled it with facts. Audited facts.

They can no longer paint themselves as the good guys while they hold consumers to ransom. The Union can no longer be trusted with anything they say. MUNZ's credibility is shot and it is clear that the Good Old Boys are trying for one last gasp at workplace power grabbing hold of any politician to the left they can find in a desperate hope one of them will back their cause.

They won't because David Shearer is too smart to back racist, sexist, bully boy liars who are stuck in the past.

The day of racist and sexist Union bully boys running workplaces is firmly over.

What A Grand Idea

Ms Reuben has given Paula Bennett her best idea yet.

Cut off benefits and give recipients a one way ticket to Australia.

A true win-win. And here for around US$137 for her and smaller for the children.

At just 26, in and out of employment and with a total of four children born into a situation that can be called voluntary poverty, this woman belongs in Australia. A richer country that thanks to an abundance of natural minerals can actually afford to fund this blunt instrument of a woman.

At 26 she has four children, ranging from a 12-year-old down to Te Rawhiti, who is just 13 months. She is in a Family Start programme run by Ngati Hine Health Trust, which invited her and about 80 others to a meeting with Ms Bennett about the green paper on vulnerable children.

Ms Reuben started her full-time role as a baby machine at age 14 by the calculations above. Instead of managing the situation by closing her legs and stopping when realizing any further children would be disadvantaged by her inability to master the Ph D required for modern day contraception, she popped out three more sprogs to a bloke or blokes who appear to have bolted.

Most 26 year olds are a couple of years out of University or Polytech and earning decent money even if they are working in a working class position.

Encourage Ms Reuben over to Australia so she can bludge off her mother and stop the breeding machine lifestyle she has been funded for by Paula Bennett failing to produce the sort of policy that clamps down on this attitude and this lifestyle being funded by people who read my blog.

"My mum is over there. She said there's a job sitting there for me. I've been out to employment before. But when I had to get childcare for my other children I was $40 better off working for a fulltime job, so it was not a win-win situation. It seems like a win-win situation just to go over to Australia, even though I don't want to."

Injured Shag Saved By Family

Must have been a good shag then.

What I like about this story is that the family spent $2,000 to save the bird by flying it in a helicopter. If it is good enough for Michelle Boag to fly back in one to grab her passport on Waiheke Island I say it is good enough to do it for a shag. Thank God they stepped in else Gareth Morgan would have said he was going to save it, walked past and waited til its health was dire and only funded its funeral.

he injured pied shag was about to die in Sandy Bay, Port Charles, before it was rescued by the Davis family who paid $2000 to fly it to Green Bay's NZ Bird Rescue Trust.

Narelle and Gavin Davis' children, Ellie, 7, and Trent, 11, spotted the bird in front of their Sandy Bay bach three weeks ago.

''It was waddling up the road like a duck.

''He was just really really skinny and small,'' Narelle Davis says.

Lucky Whaleoil didn't see it. If it looked like a duck he would have run it over.

The story gets even better, the family had to save it from a pussy who wanted to have the shag.

'The biggest reason for making that decision was because I saw a cat that had been lurking around under our deck where the shag was and I could only guard him so much,'' she says.

''It was going to be a matter of time before the cat got him and we'd actually fallen in love with him.''

The Davis children have learned the most valuable of lessons.

Daddy's a big softie and if he spends $2,000 on a shag that looks like a duck and had to be saved from pussy they won't have any trouble getting what they want out of him in the future.

How Not To Treat Phoenix Fans

Gareth Morgan thinks he is a bit of a K1W1 character. Fine, let him loudly shout at the top of his voice that he donates money to charity (despite evidence to the contrary), fund funerals for the homeless and go on expeditions to cold places to ride bikes. Let him sell his business tax free back to a taxpayer funded bank on an undisclosed valuation method, most of it containing his own funds to start with. Let him harp on about bringing in new taxes that he will never actually pay because by then he will be well retired off his son's bright idea. Let him lie about not wanting to own a business because, my God, it has 50 staff to manage because government has created the industry for him.

But when you own a football club and fans are not turning up to games, the last thing you do is make silly threats about moving the games when your most loyal fan base is still turning up.

What a dick.

Owning a football club in New Zealand is somewhat a labour of love, that's why Terry Serepisos did it, he loved the game and knew it was part-charity. Even if it was with someone else's money.

Now we have this loud mouth twat who you cannot call out without one of his cult followers screaming "tall poppy", spitting on Phoenix fans for not making him a return on his coin. Diddums. For a bloke who likes to have a good down-home and down to earth New Zealand reputation, and mouths off at those who he deems under the Book of Gareth to be full of themselves, he is behaving like a spoilt, full of himself dickhead.

Yesterday Mr Morgan said the consortium bailed out the Phoenix with the intention of making it a viable business but that would not be possible if people did not turn up.

Morgan should let them all in for free with the amount of tax free coin he has made from the taxpayer kindly buying his personal fund management business.

I mean for heaven's sake, it is not like he needs the money and he's giving so much of it away so loudly, surely Phoenix fans can benefit without threats made.

He bought in to the Phoenix along with a few other big-swinging dicks in Wellington for his own ego. He can lump it. Quietly.

Don't Mess With The Shock Jock

"burly female" - You mean a fattie boomsticks Jock?

The case of Kim Dot Com will keep the NBR reporters in bad headlines and shock stories for a good year.

Leaked Labour Camp Schedule

As part of the Vast Right Wing and Non Labour Left Wing Conspiracy (VRWNLLWC) I bring to you this official schedule for the Labour Summer Camp.

Documents that have been leaked to me however suggest that this schedule is just a front for what is really happening at the Labour Training Camp.

PROGRAMME

THEME: How the F**k Did We Lose So Many Votes To The Hippies?

FRIDAY 20 JANUARY 2012

3.30PM Arrival and time for you to confess and repent swearing on the grave of Michael Joseph Savage with new Dunedin North Labour MP Rev. David Clark if you did indeed split your vote and tick the Hippies.

5.30PM Summer School Opening Address

Jordan Carter - Introduction To The Enemy. Hippies and David P. Farrar

Policy Council Secretary and Representative to New Zealand Council. Labour candidate in 2008 and 2011. Jordan was instrumental in organizing Summer School as an annual event on the Labour calendar since 2003.

In this in-depth speech Jordan will explore the weaknesses and strengths of the two most evil forces against Labour in 2011. The Green Party and David P. Farrar. Jordan knows David P. Farrar better than any Labour Party member and has been chastised internally for hugging the Penguin. However today Jordan shares his decade of knowledge on the most evil force known to New Zealand politics.

5.45PM Housekeeping

Here Charles Chauvel will show you all how to make your bed properly. So you can tell the staff to do it for you later.

6.00PM Dinner

Our scrumptious three course meal will be prepared by in-house Chefs from the Auckland City Mission. Jacinda Ardern, fresh from a refresher course from her two day stint in New York almost a decade ago, will serve your meal. Entertainment from James Sleep and Michael Wood who will share with you the secrets of how to extract funding from your friendly corporate sponsors - the CTU/Maritime Union. Darien Fenton will be putting in a guest appearance showing you how to work a picket line while waiting for a handout.

7.00PM Welfare Reform

We have canned the guest speaker and instead will just watch a re-run of Inside New Zealand documentary commissioned especially for the Labour campaign by our mates.

8.30PM Debrief with David Shearer

David arrives refreshed from his mornings meeting with Garry Parsloe head of our corporate sponsor the Maritime Union and will be available to explain just how he became Leader when the membership really wanted David Cunliffe. It promises to be a stunningly open session where you can learn of David's time in Somalia fighting the evils of poverty by feeding the poor the skins of fresh fruit.

SATURDAY 21 JANUARY 2012

4.30AM Compulsory Bike Ride

Part-time Lower Hutt MP and Professional Cyclist Trevor Mallard will take you all for a compulsory bike ride through the roughest terrain he can find. Those of you who didn't bring bikes and instead took the one hour trip by car, can walk. This carbon friendly trail will show you the sort of discipline our Hippie friends had to win at the 2011 election.

5AM Coping With Loss

David Cunliffe will speak on his time dealing with disappointment. We haven't told him (or Greg Presland) yet but you will all be away biking with Trevor at the same time except those of you in wheelchairs or who are heavily physically impaired.

8.00AM Breakfast

If you still can stand after the compulsory bike ride our esteemed Deputy Leader Grant Robertson will serve you a Blanketman breakfast in honor of his favorite constituent. Just to get you all going for the day on a high.

9.00AM Dead At The Centre: The Third Way and Party Reform

Here Hayden Munro will bore and confuse the shit out of you all so no one will be left believing we can possibly prosper hogging National's centre ground. We are a left-wing party and proud!! Blair's bullshit has been exposed and he uses tax havens. Class traitor!

10.00AM Labour's Organisational Review

Our esteemed President Moira Coatsworth will explain how the Hippies infiltrated our core constituency, stole our donors, votes and volunteers. Input from Clare Curran. With SMOG advice from Darien Fenton. Our guest will be the anonymous authors of The Standard who always have a lot to say on this subject.

10.30AM Morning Tea

Enjoy your smoke while you still can. Discussion on Asset sales where CEO of Port of Tauranga explains how you can sell an asset and end up with way more than when you started. Quick session as we don't want mutiny!

10.45AM Beyond Migration - Multiculturalism in New Zealand

Dr Kathy Smits

Senior Lecturer in the Department of Political Science at the University of Auckland. Kathy’s research include political theory, identity politics, nationalism, and multiculturalism.

Kathy will explain to us why Labour shed votes to Mana and the Maori Party.

Wai Ho

Activist focussing on the place of minority cultures in New Zealand. Wai is interested in the dynamics of internalised racism, the benefits and harms of playing off “ethnic” versus “indigenous”, and the pitfalls of the model minority myth.

Wai will explain why Asians love making and spending money and cannot understand Labour policy or the opposition to the Crafar farm sale.

Neelam Choudary

Needs no introduction. How to catch sleazy Tories in a honey trap. Neelam did more damage to National in the last term than any Labour MP could manage.

12 NOON Lunch

Sandwiches. Suitably bland as we don't want to be seen enjoying ourselves.

Election Vote debrief - discussion on conspiracy of how we ended up on November 26th with the exact same percentage as people in the world who believe that lightsabers in Star Wars are real.

1.30PM The Future of Government

Dr Chris Eichbaum

Deputy Head of the Victoria University School of Government and member of the board of the Reserve Bank of New Zealand.

Dr Eichbaum will explain why less government in our lives is good for citizens but bad for Labour.

2.30PM Occupy: Symptom of what?

Dr Campbell Jones

Senior Lecturer in the Department of Sociology at the Univerisity of Auckland and is the spokesperson for Occupy New Zealand.

Dr Jones will explain why only 50 dirty hippies decided to camp at Aotea Square and the Greens and Mana picked up their vote anyway so we shouldn't bother about them. Not even Blanketman wanted to join Occupy.

3.45PM Afternoon Tea

More cigarettes. Spud will be in attendance and deliver a quick session during the break explaining how to use emoticons to say absolutely nothing and irritate Clare Curran all at once. Special use of "lol" explained.

4.15PM Crisis/Opportunity - Labour, climate and the end of environmentalism

Steve Abel

Environmental activist and a singer-songwriter based in Auckland with leading involvement in numerous environmental campaigns.

Steve comes along as an example of what we have to do to pick up the Hippie vote. Paul Watson to join as Special Guest explaining Environmental terrorism and how to scare the voters back to us in removing once and for all the Hippie myth that Green is good.

5.15PM Rebuilding Christchurch

Megan Woods, MP for Wigram.

Megan will speak about Christchurch and the relevance of hope in the rebuilding of our entire electorate organization down there after the decimation on 26th November where even Aaron Gilmore whopped our arse in the Party vote.

6.00PM Dinner - Sausages on BBQ sponsored by The Mad Butcher

Indepth after dinner conversation on "Traitors in the media" featuring John Pagani and Chris Trotter with comparisons to "Thee Who Can't be Named" from the pre 1990 era and Mad Dog Prebble. Guest historian Judith Tizard and Michael Bassett.

Prayers to Dear Former Leader Rt Hon Helen Clark and Skype to NYC. Followed by a bit of social media training to explain the phenomenon of Whaleoil and how to combat him. Alcohol will be provided so please bring a plastic cup.

SUNDAY 22 JANUARY 2012

4.30AM Compulsory Bike Ride - as Saturday

5AM There Is No "I" In Team

David Cunliffe will explain to Greg Presland and Lynn Prentice while you are all on Trevor's compulsory bike ride, that "there is a "me" if you look hard enough". And politics is all about "me". Please note we have not told this trio that you will all be on Trevor's bike ride during this time slot so please - Chatham House rules apply.

8.30AM Breakfast - Sponsored again leftovers from the Mad Butcher

9.30AM Drug laws kill. Why can’t we have better ones?

Nandor Tanczos

We canned the official speaker and Nandor will come and show you all how to roll some good ones. A not to be missed session. By then you will be needing it!

10.30AM Morning Tea

Save your tea bags from yesterday please - think of the planet. And the Labour Party campaign funds.

11.00AM Open leadership selections

Grant Robertson

Deputy Leader of the Labour Party. Grant will speak in favour of reforming the leadership selection process to formally recognise the role of members. Grant will also explain how one day he was firmly behind David Parker and nek minnit, running for David Shearer. Grant will also explain how you can be a part of a failed campaign committee and still end up Deputy Leader with future Leadership ambitions.

Trevor Mallard

Labour MP for Hutt South. Trevor will facilitate a discussion about a new concept - an open leadership selection process, outlining various options and opening the floor to discussion and input from the membership. Trevor will then share some of the secrets in how to roll one leader out and get your own candidate in to keep another out. A not to be missed opportunity to learn the true craft of the leadership coup from the Master.

12 NOON Lunch

Skype to Dear Former Leader in NYC.

1.30PM Closing comments and debrief

Conrad Reyners

Member of the Labour Party Policy Council. Conrad will lead a discussion on how the weekend’s sessions relate, and how they will not affect Labour one little bit in the approaching years as we will continue to use policies of envy and spite.

Ella Hardy

President of Young Labour. Ella will officially close Summer School 2012. That is if Trevor hasn't performed a coup over the weekend and installed his own preferred candidate in the role in which case they will be closing the camp.

Pack up - leave it as you found it. Remove all listening devices and hidden cameras from factional walls and send to Leaders Office for future blackmail attempts.

3.00PM - Depart back to spread the word about Labour Camp

Fenton on Casualisation

Darien Fenton has true to form, defied David Shearer's directive that Labour would stay out of the POAL v MUNZ fight and posted on Red Alert. I trust she will be disciplined by the Leaders Office as soon as they actually form one. Fran Mold as Head of Media and Comms has a job here that already screams constructive dismissal before it has started looking after the likes of Fenton.

Fenton's post is all over the place, exhibiting no Mantrol. As we have come to expect from Fenton and MUNZ on precisely what the strike is all about. Darting from discussing the sensationalism of privatisation, asset sales and Pike River. But let me pull out her words on one of the many things that the MUNZ argument has switched to and from - "casualisation":

The problem with MUNZ's, Fenton's and the left's argument about casualisation is that right now MUNZ is pursuing a case against POAL in the Employment Court to prevent the Port offering permanent jobs to "lashers".

This is not a joke. They are AGAINST casuals getting permanent jobs. The POAL has proceeded to employ on a permanent basis.

Hang on some may say, is the Union not bravely leading the struggle against "casualisation" along with Third Woman on the Wharf, Helen "Clean Up" Kelly and the left?

You may think so, but not when the Union bullies (mainly old, white crusty's like the charming couple we met yesterday on this blog) have the top jobs and like to take the overtime at their much higher rates rather than allow the lower paid workers to get permanent jobs.

See - it is never quite that straightforward with Union bullies is it Darien? Best you stay out of it then and go back to watching the Mad Butcher specials for some weekend shopping.

There is a reason that David Shearer is in charge. He's actually thought about this, spoke with all sides and decided to stay out of it.